Any insight into "co-parenting" in this situation?

27 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 31 - 3PM

itreallyisabouthim

Any insight into "co-parenting" in this situation?

Our 1 year old got hurt at her father's last week. He has so far stonewalled me on the details when I asked directly and has not answered through his lawyer either. What am I supposed to do? I don't want this happening again and if he won't clue me in on why it happened in the first place how am I supposed to feel assured that he is remedying the situation????? He is being neglectful and secretive all in one fell swoop. I am terrified something worse will happen next time.

#2 Feb 1 - 10AM

reneek

day cares and incident reports

you do know that day cares are legally responsible to file an incident report if your child is bitten and they are never to return your child to you without that awareness ... use that same standard. I don't think you are a whiney mom -- trust me I get it more than you know -- I am supportive of you, but the court gets sound bits from both of you -- maintain your image as someone who cares -- but be careful -- the other attorney can and might portray you as overprotective. I got that. I know. And I am not ... so just remember perception means alot. hope that helps.

a woman learning to love again

#3 Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #25)

itreallyisabouthim

I need to know

What would being "overprotective" of a 1 year old even look like?

#4 Feb 1 - 7PM (Reply to #26)

reneek

I don't know exactly

your lawyer needs to help you with the image thing. everything I read and see ... the abusers want us to look weak, pathetic, freaked out, overprotective, and so on ... the game is about so much. It helps them. Get a lawyer that understands this stuff and abuse. Barbara gave you great advise below -- that is the sort of approach I would take.

a woman learning to love again

#5 Jan 31 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

call CPS

first thing tomorrow ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#6 Jan 31 - 4PM

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

Get a BULLDOG lawyer!!!!! get the lawyer on his ass... demand he have a PSYCH EVALUATION and that you want SUPERVISED VISITATION to prevent this from happening again... document document document - date time incident times you called times you called his lawyer - what was said... etc DO NOT TALK TO HIM DIRECTLY - have your lawyer do it. do NOT try to deal with this directly... that's bad news and DOCUMENT LIKE CRAZY. Be sure to bring up his BEHAVIOR and lack of communication (don't say outright he's a narc) and get backup from family & friends as to what he's like; in writing. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#7 Jan 31 - 4PM

Ellen

What is hurt exactly

Hi, What do you mean hurt? My 18 month old hasn't been with exN unsupervised and won't be. We are going to a contact centre. There is no way i will leave her with him, let alone if she came back hurt. Then to top it off no explanation either. Just who does he think he is..........oops a narc of course. I'll tell you what to do.......don't let her go unsupervised. If he wants to see her do it through a contact centre then your mind will be at rest. She is only one come on you don't need to be worrying like this. Now you have a good reason to stop the unsupervised. He needs to get some respect.

#8 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

itreallyisabouthim

Ellen

She had a bite mark (two sets of opposing teeth definitely not her own) on her arm, a mark on her nostril that got worse over the next 2 days (blood under the surface) and a scratch on her thigh and back - both disappeared that night. Our older daughter says she was bitten by the neighbor kids but I have no way of knowing for sure since she is so young that she can distort reality.

#9 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

Ellen

Thats so sad for you

Oh i feel for you with this. I'm imagining if my little girl came back with this. They are just so little. I hate the thought of me not being there for her at any time. I put a post up on here about my childminder and what to do with her. I wasn't listening to myself enough. Now i got rid of her i feel so much better and i can see what was happening. You described the scene well and only one judge......who doesn't have a clue or care less. To rule overnights at one year old...........thats a joke. There is no way that will happen with my daughter. I would move area if i wasn't getting anywhere. Your daughter can't speak and she only has you for a voice. How would a male judge know about maternal instinct but if he doesn't he should at least respect it. Are men trying to take over childcare now like they did the childbirth years ago and look where that has got maternity services.

#10 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

itreallyisabouthim

It is so easy to say that

It is so easy to say that but they'll need more than this to order supervised visitation - trust me on this. My stbx stood there in court and told the judge he lets this same baby nap in the car nearly daily, alone in the driveway. The judge was fine with it as long as he could hear her if she cried, even after I described how the property is laid out and how dangerous this could be. He also didn't care that this N gave our baby goat's milk totally on his own without asking anyone if it was ok, and then refused to tell me for how long he did this though I e-mailed him repeatedly. The judge does NOT care and considers everything a "parenting difference". Where we live there is so much lax parenting and if you're not smokin' meth you are considered a saint. Plus he views a father's involvement as a categorically good thing. I am telling you that I have communicated every single concern I have had and have had MY wrist slapped for interfering with his time. The judge turned around and ordered OVERNIGHTS half the week. There is an evaluation coming up. I desperately hope that the evaluator will shed some light on this to sway the judge from his simplistic "dads are good" stance. BTW there is only one judge here.

#11 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

I am not just "SAYING" that - I am well aware what is involved. There's no quick answer but I would get YOUR LAWYER to start demanding answers. Take yourself out of the equation. And have your lawyer as for a new judge ASAP. document document document everything for the evaluator. scroll down - there's good articles here - I suggest you take some to your lawyer: http://www.thelizlibrary.org/outrage/ if your lawyer isn't FIGHTING for you - get a NEW ONE ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#12 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

itreallyisabouthim

I know this sounds like

I know this sounds like excuses but there is only ONE family court judge and there are no bulldog lawyers available. I don't want to say where, but we live in a very geographically remote area.

#13 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

then you need to LEAN on your lawyer... be a friendly pest... or go to the next town over or somewhere else to hire someone. perhaps you can move eventually? take the child elsewhere? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#14 Jan 31 - 5PM (Reply to #19)

itreallyisabouthim

I am petitioning to relocate

I am petitioning to relocate as part of the divorce trial because I can't make a living here and he does not really work to help support the kids (the same kids he is demanding to see half the time). I am PRAYING we will be allowed to go soon if not at the time of the judge's decision. Next stop is the projects for us. Thanks for the "friendly pest" advice. I will take that. I sent an e-mail last night expressing just how frustrated I am becoming - but stopped just shy of saying I was frustrated with her. I really like her and she did just get me the best evaluator available, which turns out to be a pretty major coup since now he has to go get second best (we're doing the dueling expert witness thing).

#15 Jan 31 - 3PM

rache

Just me

I wouldn't let an N near my kids without social worker there-supervised by an agency.

#16 Jan 31 - 3PM

itreallyisabouthim

I should add that of course

I should add that of course I documented everything (photos of the injuries) and that my lawyer was on the fence about calling CPS but ultimately decided not to - this time.

#17 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Ellen

Call the cps

I would call the cps especially if he won't give you explanations. Do what a mothers instinct tells you to do. You know the instinctive reaction that happens before the rules in society and peoples opinions and then fear of repurcussions set in and sway you. That is why we have so many adults with problems partly cos women have been brainwashed, subdued, controlled, threatened etc etc.

#18 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

itreallyisabouthim

I am thinking that if by

I am thinking that if by Monday he has not offered an explanation that sounds plausible I will call.

#19 Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

itreallyisabouthim

I've already attempted to

I've already attempted to get supervised visitation and every time we go to court the judge gives him more time. No one seems to care about my instincts. I do but nothing I have presented seems to have any effect. Maybe this will, but I'm afraid if I call CPS it will just make me look vindictive and have no real consequence because CPS is just so dysfunctional. I will def call next time but how do I get him to tell me what happened so I can deal with it? There is a possibility the neighbor kids were involved and I need to know.

#20 Jan 31 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

how do I get him to tell me what happened so I can deal with it you can't he won't he's withholding get your lawyer on this IMMEDIATELY ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#21 Jan 31 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

#22 Jan 31 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

reneek

it is a health issue -- it is neglect

this is very different. This is not a difference in parenting styles. This puts your daughter at risk. If she were to get an infection and you were not to know where or how this problem began you may not be able to help her -- this is an issue. Kids bit kids and that sucks. He has a right to let your daughter be with other kids and you may not like those kids and that sucks, BUT, he has a responsibility at the exchange to tell you any healthy issues that could put your child at risk ... that is what you need to focus on. Her health and his neglect and how him not co-parenting with you puts her at risk. I am becoming well versed in this stuff. Do not go in as a pathetic whiny mom that worries about every scratch -- they don't care. The just see you as over protective. Talk about the risk of infection -- the problems it may have caused because you had no information about the origin of the health issue. Hope that helps. I, too, am in court ... and I go on friday and all of this sucks when you can't properly protect your children. Get a kick ass lawyer who will make mince meat out of him. Someone that will focus on protecting your child and someone that stops talking about his rights ... If the judge sucks -- remove your case -- tell your lawyer you believe the judge is predjudicial and that you need a new venue --- let the lawyer find a solution to get a better venue.

a woman learning to love again

#23 Feb 1 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

itreallyisabouthim

Thank you

I hope they don't try to make me out to be a mom who worries about every scratch because I am NOT. I am totally level headed and expect kids to come back with shin bruises, the occasional random scratch, skinned knees - that's all part of being a healthy kid. And I expect my toddler to fall down and bonk her head and run into things. This definitely goes beyond that. Another child BIT our baby. To me it's not a matter of whether or not I like the kids (though I don't and their past behavior should be a red flag to him as it is to me) but that they had access to our 1 year old like that. And either he knew or he didn't, and either way it's the sort of mark that needed to be explained. I hadn't thought of the health issue, the possibility of infection. Thank you for that. The skin on her arm was not broken (I could make out every tooth in red, though) but the skin on her nose was. I am going to speak to my lawyer tomorrow. He still has not piped in though I both e-mailed him two days ago hand wrote him a note when he saw the girls today. I hate this.

#24 Feb 1 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

itreallyisabouthim

never be on the defensive when a lawyer, judge, evaluator questions you. Never. Simply say "as the mother of a very young child I need to be informed to take the best care of her possible. I would never withhold this sort of information from N. I know he is doing it to hurt me; and that is not the point. The point is the well being of my child. If Ns priorities are upsetting and hurting me above the safety and health of our child - this is cause for great concern, and no one will tell me any different." ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#25 Feb 1 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

reneek

That is all the same stuff my affidavit was made of !

Good to see your advice about that and it will also help me in court on Friday as I will remember that !

a woman learning to love again

#26 Feb 1 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

itreallyisabouthim

Witholding

So you think that's what this is? Interesting. I have a different take on it but I'm new at this N stuff. To me it feels like he's scared he's in trouble, like a little boy. One time when baby was 7 months old it was about 100 degrees out but he had a ski cap on her. Why the hat, I asked. I pulled it off and it turned out he had let her fall off the couch onto the wooden floor, and she had a goose egg on the side of her forehead. This feels just like that. He didn't even think he could get away with me not knowing, he just had no skills of how to tell me and was wanting to do whatever he could to delay having to talk about it. But maybe both are witholding. I have definitely experienced that with one other BIG parenting thing with him. And we have evidence of a day when he just wrote "SILENCE" in the parenting notebook we are supposed to exchange information in. He was mad at me and withholding the details of the baby's nap/eating schedule that day to punish me.

#27 Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

reneek

mine would definitely do the same

he hides all bang up and things. one day she came home with some weird black mark all over her feet. I told him she seemed to have a good time, but she had wierd things on her feet that looked like burns -- I said I didn't think they were burns but they look them -- asked him if he could help me figure out what it was. He went nuts on me about "accusing" him of burning her. I did not. also, last time we did the parenting exchange notebook -- he actually ripped my pages out and refused to give them back to me saying they were his since I addressed it to him and he also refused to put anything it. It was not court ordered yet -- but my attorney said that it will be after our hearing this Friday. These men are so F'ed up ! My God !!

a woman learning to love again

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews