Another wound, thanks to him

12 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 3 - 12PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Another wound, thanks to him

I have known something from a mutual friend.

He has spread gossips about me. Of course he depicted me in the worst way. But what I did not expect is that people would believe him.
I have known that this woman-I thought she was a friend of mine!!!- has told that she "has always suspected that I invented things" and also said that I "was avoiding her since she told me to play less the part of the victim".

I have never invented a thing. And I am not absolutely avoiding her. I simply stayed more alone since everything happened, because I was hurting and I did not want to burden people with things they cannot understand.

And this si the result?

Yes, they are narcissist. But bad people are just evil as they are. They are not the only evil out here.

I don't know why this hurts so much. I don't know but it does.

May 4 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mariline

Of course it would hurt. I'm so sorry to hear he has spread gossip about you. As you can see from other people's posts/situation, the truth does come out. Eventually. It may take time, but remember "time is a gentlemen." All good things come to those who wait, right? Just hang in there. Things are going to turn around eventually. Just a matter of time. Stay strong and know we are here for you! Big Hugs, Lisa
May 4 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Narc Victim's Stages

Mariline - having bouts of depression after these vampires is normal. VERY normal. It's been 5 years and I STILL have them. That so called friend is WRONG. And mean. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/10872.php As Sandra Brown says - these Narcs affect us on a CELLULAR level. And not in a good way. Hugs - just ride it out - take a bubble bath - take a walk - pet your cat - listen to music - browse online shopping sites - whatever it takes... ~~~~~~~~~~~ The stages of feeling victims experience. 1) The Roadkill Stage This is when you finally hit bottom due to the experience with a Narcissist. 2) The Realization Stage This is when the answers to the questions that have been plaguing you begin to get answered and you now know what it is you have been dealing with all this time. You begin to research everything you can find on Narcissism. You usually feel better that you know, but the sense of betrayal begins to hit you like a Mack truck. Unfortunately, you start to feel angry at yourself for letting it go on for so long. 3) The Anger Stage This is when the full impact of what you went through hits home and all hell breaks loose! Anger is uncomfortable, but I think it is a necessary step towards healing. At first, it is like an erupting volcano, then it usually evolves in focusing on how to get through. If you don't let as much of the anger out at this stage, you will stay stuck for a longer period of time. 4) Taking Affirmative Action Stage This is when you begin to learn to effectively focus your new-found knowledge into making life decisions. This is also the period where you begin to learn and practice techniques on how to protect yourself from the Narcissist. This is the stage where some decide on divorce, relocating, changing jobs, and lifestyle changes. This is also a time of great upheaval, because the Narcissist usually knows that the "jig is up" The Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to win. This is a crucial stage in healing, because it is at this stage that the Narcissist will also try to "put on the charm" to return you to status quo. The Narcissist also can be very vicious at this stage. It is usually best to have as little contact as possible with the Narcissist. It is also the time to continue to learn about how to continue to protect yourself and continue to focus on you and your healing. 5) The Fall-Out Stage This is when you become more comfortable in your knowledge of how to deal with the Narcissist, where you begin to forgive yourself, where you begin to feel better about yourself and your abilities. You are actively planning your future, getting to know yourself again, and you notice how much better physically and emotionally you feel out of the presence of the Narcissist. The fog of Narcissism has lifted somewhat and you begin to get your confidence back. While this is happening, you are still experiencing the waves of the past stages, it seems to come in cycles that diminish in intensity over time. 6) The Mirroring Stage Not everyone goes through this stage, it is a personal decision. This is when you mirror the Narcissists behavior back at them, hopefully scaring them off! I was particularly fond of this stage, because it allowed me to siphon off the anger and project it back to the person who caused it. It can be effective in scaring off the Narcissist, but sometimes it takes many sessions of "mirroring" before the stubborn Narcissist finally "gets it". Unfortunately for many victims, many Narcissists aren't willing to accept that it is OVER and continually try to get back under the victims skin using guilt, fear, pity, threats, violence and financial abuse. Many Narcissists keep "coming back for more NS." Depending on how you handle the Narcissist in this stage, it will depend on how long this stage lasts. If you, even for a moment give the Narcissist ANY NS at all, show any vulnerability, sympathy, fear, or confusion, it will put you back a few stages and you will have to work your way through again. This cycle can happen many times. 7) Realization and Apathy Once you effectively block all means of communication with the Narcissist as efficiently as possible, protect yourself from them as much as you can, gain knowledge and confidence in yourself, you reach a stage of realization that there was nothing you could have done to help or prevent the nightmare that you just lived through. You start looking for effective ways to manage your life, work towards your new future and close the door in the face of the Narcissist. The most effective way that I have found to do this is with APATHY. Apathy works. It requires very little work on your part. You display no outward emotions towards the Narcissist, who seems to forever be trying to re-enter your life for the coveted NS, you yawn frequently whenever they have something to say, you outright IGNORE their existence as if they died. Eventually, in a sense they do die, because without your attention, without your sympathy, without your guilt, without your adoration, without your anger, and without your fear, they do wither away and die. If there is nothing for them to affirm their existence through you, and they cannot exist around you. It is not to say that they won't try. They want to be able to evoke an emotional response in you. If you don't give them any, then eventually, like Pavlov's dog they figure out the bowl is empty and move on to the next victim. This stage can take some time, because as we know, the Narcissist does not give up on precious supply sources easily. http://www.narcissism101.com/CopingwithNarcissists/victim%27sstages.html
May 3 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

This is CLASSIC. It's very childish. Here's some reading for you: http://www.womenslegalresource.com/DomesticViolence.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

unfortunately - this is from

unfortunately - this is from Vaknin's sites - but it is quite good: The Smear Campaign of the Abuser "Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself". Judge Harold Medina All too often at the end of a relationship with abusers, they begin what Lundy Bancroft has coined the “preemptive strike”. They will hurl accusations, usually ‘projection’ at their victim and recruit whatever audience they can fool. The support network of our friends and family are targeted and lied to by these disordered individuals. To avoid exposure, the abuser will resort to a smear campaign. On closer examination, the words of the abuser reflect himself and his own behaviour. The cruelty of this attack can be like a cut with a salted knife and done in a ‘kick ‘em when they’re down’ attack. It is the cruel actions of the sadistic, often personality-disordered, abuser who uses this tactic to coverup his own actions. Lundy Bancroft, author of ‘Why Does He Do That - Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,‘ says… "Abusers increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done." UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES by R. Lundy Bancroft http://www.lundybancroft.com/pages/a...ub/CUSTODY.htm I think we can all relate to the way our abusers will gather sycophant allies around them and resort to spreading lies, malicious projection, finger-pointing and false rumours by factless innuendo and cruel insinuation. This rallying of troops to his ‘camp‘, those enablers that work with them is the well-worn tactic of the personality disordered fearful of exposure. His lies and calumny an effective coverup of his own actions. These abusers, fearful of exposure, become ruthless in recruiting our families, closest friends, employers, colleagues and competitors as he systematically attempts to build support for his coverup. His self-serving smear campaign begins. Words cannot describe the hurt that is inflicted. Hang on tight, it‘s going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride. Don‘t expect other people to understand. They don‘t know about this type of abuser - yet! If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done. This abuser will devalue/discard and break off contact with us quickly, thus appearing to be the victim of cruelty from us. We are cast in a defensive role by this outburst of lies. The abuser has no understanding of the degree of hurt and emotional devastation he creates. He will never know this pain. However, he will only be able to pull it off temporarily because other people don‘t understand this first-strike tactic of the mentally disordered. They have no personal experience with it and are unable to recognize it. He begins the false muckraking and finger pointing as he revels in the attention and limelight he generates. He knows his victim will appear to be vindictive in any attempts to disprove his allegations. He portrays himself as the victim to these recruits who only see him as the injured party, pitiful and in need of help. Sadly, the abuser will escalate his tactics and the victim becomes subjected to a multi-focused attack. The deceived and gullible recruits often take up his cause and will work as his ally to attack right alongside. Now, the abuser will remain out of the picture as his naive and ignorant recruits do his dirty work. Often the best defence is to completely remove yourself from the abuser and those he is able to fool. Unfortunately, this can often include our closest friends and family. Focusing on our dignity, integrity and grace will get us through this. Naive, easily deceived people, may be forever lost to us. We conduct ourselves with grace and dignity. Warning others and exposing his lies may help eventually, but some people will take up the abuser‘s cause for their own self-serving reasons. Do not engage in any retaliatory mud-slinging that can be used against us, but do let these proxies know they can and will be subpoened in a potential defamation of character action to provide evidence of the origin of the lies he spreads. If anyone tries to talk about his false accusations, hold up your hand (stop-sign position) and just say something like "I‘m sorry he feels that way. What he says are lies. I don‘t want to hear anything about him". This can have the most amazing effect of causing people to have another look at what they’ve been told. Most people will figure things out for themselves quickly. It‘s not necessary to defend ourselves further. Often the abuser‘s proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Coping with Your Abuser The abuser is now at his summit, and about to topple. This abuser will not engage in a fair fight, but it will ultimately backfire on him. Slowly his newly-recruited allies become aware of the truth. Suspecting the abuser’s true motives and questioning his actions, they slowly remove themselves and walk away from the mess. The ones that hang on are the most dim-witted. Their bad judgement in supporting him is easily transparent. They usually support the abuser for their own Mephistophelian self-serving aims. This cycle is repeated throughout the life of the abuser. Most of us will become targeted by our abusers in this way. He fears the exposure and truth. He will work hard to keep his factions separated. That is how they operate. He deceives only the fools gathered around him. His target now in a box canyon defense position. The battered emotions of the victims craft thoughts of revenge, vengeance and justice, but his targets, often reeling from these unexpected cruel lies and alientation, will find little solace in their mentally-constructed retaliation thoughts. Your abuser expects your pleas of virtue and expects you to retalilate. He has set the bait and your strength will come from remaining ‘unbaitable‘ against this onslaught of abuse from the mind of the deranged. Over the course of time, this abuser’s audience will abandon him. Those he worked hard to secure by portraying the victim have left. His very actions will alienate anyone still near him. They begin to avoid him like the plague as the discrepancy of his lies and actions surfaces. We may be able to ‘nip it in the bud‘ by anticipating and preparing for this common response from the mentally disordered. Ultimately there will be no audience of fools gathered to listen. That is the self-inflicted fate of his own behaviour. He faces humiliation and exposure and will withdraw into final isolation. Long after we have healed and moved on, this final treachery will forever be the single act that stands out in our thoughts. Our ultimate victory is the bitter/sweet irony of the abuser still portraying himself the victim as he continues his life-long blame-game and his last remaining audience only the walls to hear his lies. * * * * * * "Our credulity is greatest concerning the things we know least about. And since we know least about ourselves, we are ready to believe all that is said about us. Hence the mysterious power of both flattery and calumny." --Eric Hoffer "Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny." --Shakespeare, Hamlet One suggestion put forward is to have your lawyer send a cease and desist letter with demand for retraction. However, be aware this type of abuser will have us served with the same right back!! However, that document may be useful in litigation/custody/parental alienation situations. Also recommended is to ask whoever is telling us their lies "What are your thoughts about what he says? What do you think." If you‘re talking to a child, make sure it is a time when you are relating well to them.
May 3 - 2PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

Cassiemay is exactly right. Typical abuser behavior. They do whatever it takes to make themselves look okay, including trashing us. I can only imagine what my exN has said to people he knows about me, but who cares? He's trying to save face for his bad behavior, and I'm sure is making shit up to cover himself. He is really good at doing the 'hard sell' afterall! I only care what people close to me think, and if for some reason, he ever tries to spread poison about me to them, I'm certain they'd scoff at him for it. If those people are falling for his BS, they are not the people you need to be around.
May 3 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Mariline

Just give it time, and the truth will come out. This has actually happened in my life, and yes, there are those out there who chose to believe his lies, but not many. He is between being notorious and unknown right now, a place that he probably hates. He feels free to have his 23 year old girlfriend overnight, she parks her car that her daddy bought her where everyone can see, yet they were both horrified that the news would get out at work. (My place of employment). He doesn't take her out in public really, I wonder what will happen next week at her college graduation ceremony!! I'm sure that he feels no shame about it, but I bet she does, and I KNOW her parents will. Hey everyone! Here is our daughter's middle-aged boyfriend. He's still married and has a wife and 3 kids. We're so proud! Whatever this woman believes about you is her problem. Eventually they burn so many bridges that it begins to affect their careers, and it doesn't matter how high up they are or how great their reputations are. what I have found is that people always respected me too much to say anything about my crazy, selfish husband. Now I am hearing from people who are saying that they always thought he was a jerk, but that he acted so nice in public and he wrote such nice things about me. I always point out that he does work in the PR field and boy, can he spin it. People LOVE to gossip, but there is always some new drama to talk about. I also have learned that people who gossip have nothing good going on in their own lives. They are usually very unhappy themselves and distract themselves with other people's problems.
May 3 - 2PM
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

marilyn

Sounds classic. He will do this and others will fall for it. Perhaps she has another motive? Don't try to understand, none of it makes sense, nor will it. Know in your own heart you have done nothing wrong and take the high ground if you can. Defending yourself only makes you look more "guilty" and crazy. Try to ignore it. I know it hurts like hell. Such is the result of deceit and betrayal. I hope you never have to go through this again. Build a new support system and get rid of those who don't truly know you or support you. They aren't worth it. That hurts too: it multiplies the loss. But when someone shows you who they are, believe it. CM
May 4 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dear, dear friends

You all are so dear. Sorry, but this evening I am so sad. I feel alone. Usually I am strong but this evening my child is with hhis father and I feel alone. I have here my cat :-)))) Eva, my books, my PC but I feel alone. I feel so because I am so tired. I have spent such frantic days. I am tired, tired. I would like to believe that one day someone will love me too.....but is this true? Sorry for "playing the victim", ladies. Bad day. Maybe the "so called friend" who told I behave like a victim is not so wrong after all..... Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
May 4 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

Sorry you're having a rough time. Weekends get that way for me - sort of missing date nights and stuff. I think it's just going to feel this way at times. When I go through this, I remind myself better alone than with 'him'. And our dates were usually me planning stuff, hoping it made him happy, and if not, the whole evening would turn to sh** anyhow. Glad you refer to that person as 'so called', and don't listen to that garbage. If they only knew what you've been through, and the huge steps you had to make to get away, they'd be cheering you on!
May 4 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

alone

Dear heart, Take advantage of your time alone without your child. Cuddle up with Eva, read a good book, watch a stupid or funny movie and go to bed early! Rest! REst! You are tired, as well you should be. Enjoy it, not lament it. Treat yourself. Chocolate??? Sleep. CM
May 4 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Mariline

Of course you are tired. Enjoy the break and indulge yourself with something delicious and wicked. Soon you will know exactly what you want to do with your time. I spent the entire first year of separation going dancing-- salsa dancing, line dancing, two step, rhumba, you name it. It made me feel alive!