1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. Another pearl of wisdom from Goldie's blog

Another pearl of wisdom from Goldie's blog

15 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 3 - 5AM
empath
empath's picture

Another pearl of wisdom from Goldie's blog

In Goldie's blog on contact, she offered this in her closing:

"Understand it and you will not want it anymore."

That line from her blog speaks volumes to me.

When you understand that a Narcissist has a personality disorder that cannot be "fixed",

When you understand that they are abusive, manipulative, intentionally dishonest and that everything they do is tied to their own gratification,

When you understand that you have been their target...not their wife, girlfriend, lover, etc...their target,

You will not want it anymore.

When you are ready to accept that NC is the only way to get the fog to lift,

When you are ready to accept that contact only prolongs their abuse of you and causes you pain,

When you are ready to accept that no amount of scholarly research that you might do on NPD will change the fact that they are permanently disordered and that the solution is still that you must permanently cut contact with them,

You will understand it.

If you understand it, you will not want it anymore.

If you understand it, you will be able to take the focus off of them, and put it back on you, where it belongs.

If you understand it, you will be able to give yourself the love, care and validation you were seeking from your abuser and were never going to get from them.

If you understand it, you will push the "stop" button on the unmerry-go-round, and step off of it.

If you are still wanting it, then you simply do not understand it yet.

Dec 3 - 5PM
workingonit
workingonit's picture

dont know how to break the addiction

I have been reading the posts on this site for a couple of nites and really feel I need support You all are amazing. I was with a man for 13 years. He is 6 years younger, we are now both in our 50's I moved out over a year ago I couldnt take it anymore. He would verbally insult me, no intimacy, he is a spoiled self centered artist. Fed up, I moved out in 20 minutes, no money nothing. I had the worst year of my life very painful, he would call, NC from me. Then I gave in when Spring came. We went to dinner he lied to me and said he didnt want to hurt me thats why he lied. I ended up teling him he was toxic and I couldnt be around him. But the dance did not end I would feel pulled in both directions. He was sleeping around Not with me at all. I sent him a letter and that was that until recently. I texted him Happy Thanksgiving...I could kick myself he responded with a flat text back responding to a photo of painting that I had done and attached. It was like a drug. He asked if I had seen his new website ( he doesnt know that I know he is living with a 28 year old who he pays to work for him and has no clue as to what shes doing)...I sent a corrected paragraph back to him...never heard back like a Thank you etc. I texted him yesterday that he had burned the last bridge. His response was that he is trying to live his life with honesty and integrity and not to contact him again unless its an emergency. I responded with a goodbye. Now I feel so stupid and powerless over this. I hate that he feels like he had control over me. I dont want him in my life but I feel like Im addicted and brainwashed and angry. Not sure what to do with myself...thanks for any suggestions
Dec 3 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

working on it

I so know where you are at. When it happened with me I would feel so pissed and more importantly powerless. I would want to text until I go the right response ( therefor me in power) I had to accept that it was a losing game. The only way I could win is if I let go of wanting the right response. The best thing you can do, what everyone here always says is no contact. It really does get easier and a lot faster than I ever thought it would. I went from wanting to die (really) to telling him no to coming back to live with us in 4 months time. Keep reading here. post your feelings and thoughts.
Dec 3 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
workingonit
workingonit's picture

workingonit

Thx Goldie Started today NC again...its my noisy head that drive me crazy...realizing that I am so much stronger then he will ever be, but sometimes think he has moved on... to this comfy,cozy life with the young girl. He has traveled with her to all the same places we went...taking yoga and getting certified to teach. I am thinking this is what you mean by re-inventing himself. Just can make me crazy Thanks so much for responding to me. I am doing much much better then I was last year at this time PTSD symptoms from the relationship.
Dec 3 - 1PM
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

This is amazing

and SOOOOOOOO true
Dec 3 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
empath
empath's picture

nomoredenial

I hope reading this helps you as much as writing it helped me. Thanks for your kindness. :-)
Dec 3 - 9AM
Layla
Layla's picture

I wish I was a good writer like some of you are!!! : )

....some of you are so good at expressing things on here, I wish I had that gift! Hahaa!! : ) empath, I really loved this, it is so TRUE! And goldie is right, "once you understand it, you will not want it anymore".....love this!!!!! love~ Layla
Dec 3 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
empath
empath's picture

Layla

Thanks for your kind words. I think everyone here does a great job of expressing themselves and who they are, and what their experience has been. I have said it before and will say it again...how strange and bittersweet it is to receive a sincere compliment...I get overwhelmed thinking about how many beautiful, wonderful, sensitive people there are here on this forum, and how all of these qualities we possess were either considered extraneous or used against us, by the N. Truly, we were all casting our pearls before swine. No offense meant to swine. :-)
Dec 3 - 7AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you Empath

NC is such a struggle for some because they still have doubts about who and what the PD is and what he is and is not capable of providing for them. The solution does not lie so much in struggling with remaining NC. The solution lie's in understanding it better and: "If you understand it, you will be able to give yourself the love, care and validation you were seeking from your abuser and were never going to get from them." NC will become a natural result and you will not want to answer the phone, check your text messages, read the emails, and answer the door. You will know that there is no longer anything there for you. The solution DOES NOT lie in struggling with NC; the solution lie's in waking up and getting real with yourself. THE SIX STEPS OF RECOVERY. If you are serious about NC; you will get the book, read it, and begin to do the work of understanding it so you avoid these "slips" with NC. If someone had a contagious disease and you knew and accepted that by being in contact with them you would get sick and die. You would stay away to avoid a certain death. Contact with the PD is the same thing. He has a contagious disease which causes you to become very sick and the only way to assure your continued survival and health is to stay away. God bless, Goldie
Dec 3 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
empath
empath's picture

Thank you Goldie

I posted another topic yesterday to highlight a quote that caught my eye from the bottom of a webpage that was linked to here, it was a quote from Louis Pasteur: "The microbe is nothing, the terrain is everything." NC breaks the cycle and allows the fog to lift so we may begin to see clearly. After that happens, the responsibility rests fully upon ourselves to ensure that we no longer provide the fertile soil or growth medium that facilitates the Ns and PDs behavior to root and flourish. We are responsible to re-create ourselves and cultivate our own "terrain" to support our new N-free life. If we turn our focus away from the N...the microbe...and towards our own inner landscape....our terrain..., then yes Goldie...you are so right...NC becomes an automatic response and you will no longer want it because you understand it.
Dec 3 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

This is all so very true.

This is all so very true. Understanding is the most important tool to NC.
Dec 3 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Empath, WAY TO GO

THIS post deserves a standing ovation, I will be printing it out to remind me always !! CONGRATULATIONS WITH THANKS TO GOLDIE AS WELL.I realized when I got a horrible, hateful letter from him, he was doing the exact same thing to me, as he did to one of his other wives, bad mouthting me, as he told me about her, when we were still together, the never ending repeat pattern of theses morons lives..................
Dec 3 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
empath
empath's picture

onwithmylife

WTG to all of us here who are committed to our own healing and to sharing our strength with others...all of us deserve some applause! I am happy to know that this resonated with you. It is very cathartic for me to get it out. I'm kind of giggling to myself right now, thinking of how many thousands of emails between myself and the N were three sentences long or less, and if they didn't contain four letter words, they were not likely to be read by him...and I always thought he was so intelligent! I realize now that the fog I was in was less like clouds and more like mashed potatoes. Never again.
Dec 3 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

empath

the exnarc sent me a second hateful i am sending it back tomorrow, marked refused, return to sender, he is psychotic, now he swears any ad he sees on the internet is mine!! Do i hear the word nutcase, DONE after 15 freaking years and 3 years of recovery , YIPPEE.
Dec 3 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Layla
Layla's picture

Oh my gosh, ME TOO!!

This was a "lighbulb" moment as well! When I had gotten an order of protection six months ago to have him removed from the house and went NC, he proceeded to humiliate me by texting neighbors about me, and threatening THEM (people I HARDLY KNOW, by the way!!) he was sending messages to family members through facebook and posting nasty stuff about me on his "wall" (THAT is when I blocked him!)....IT WAS AWFUL and it was the SAME type things he had done to OTHER people!!! I knew then I was truly dealing with a disordered mess (even though I KNEW he was, this solidified it for me!) This is a 49 YEAR OLD MAN doing this!! CRAZY! I learned strait out the gate how important NC was, because any contact DOES equal PAIN, as Hunter says!!! And it's true, once you understand it, you DON'T want it! Good grief! : )) love~ Layla