Anger has passed, stuck in sadness & denial

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#1 Nov 17 - 12AM
Makessensenow
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Anger has passed, stuck in sadness & denial

I stayed in touch with my first love, who broke my heart when I was in my late teens, every year or two, just to check in. I was long past my hurt and we had both moved on to other relationships. Then a few years ago, when he was going through a divorce, he said he had never stopped thinking/caring about me, and over the past few years he really laid it on thick. We've seen each other a few times, but we live far away.

We were never in a committed relationship, but I recently found out this whole time he's been declaring his love for me, he's been seeing another woman, hiding the truth from both of us. I think he just used me for support while he was going through his divorce. He wants to continue being friends (?!?!?!) but I went NC. He sent me one text since his admission, but I ignored it.

My anger has subsided over the past few months since he finally was forced to tell me the truth (due to circumstances, he couldn't hide her anymore), but now I'm stuck in the denial thought loop of "How could someone I've known for over 20 years lie and mislead me like this? I'm his oldest friend!" I've read enough to know he doesn't think/feel like me, but when I look back, he never seemed truly narky til his divorce, when he went through a pretty big depression. How do I shift gears out of thinking "How could one of my oldest friends do this, how could he blatantly lie over and over to me, all the while telling I'm his one and only?" I feel so stuck!!! Are the steps that Lisa outlines I've seen people mention in her 2nd book? Would that be helpful getting past my denial?

Nov 20 - 4AM
empath
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are you sure he's a N?

Is it possible that you were always in the friend zone after your big breakup years ago? Guys have different points of view on "relationships" than women...and everyone confides in an opposite sex friend during a divorce, to bolster their self-esteem. Without any other details from you, it seems like he was just looking for female companionship and perhaps some ego mending from a willing and supportive friend. I have zero tolerance for Ns, however from this story, I am not convinced he is a N. Seems like just a guy on the rebound post-divorce, who perhaps had already decided that he was not going to "get serious" with you...maybe because of the distance between where you live and the past history of things not working out between you. As you said yourself, you were never in a committed relationship, so what is the transgression here, other than you not telling him that you were expecting more from him then he realized, in his emotionally unavailable post-divorce state? It's awful that you are hurting and I wish that you weren't. Before "diagnosing" this guy with a personality disorder, I think you have to question why you stayed in touch with someone who broke your heart years ago, and why you would get involved with him again while he was "working his shit out" from his marriage, because it sounds like he worked a lot of it out on you, by using you as an emotional airbag. That makes him a garden variety jerk and an assclown for sure, not necessarily a N
Nov 20 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Makessensenow
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Yes, I left a lot of details

Yes, I left a lot of details out; I didn't want to make the post any longer than it already was. At the end of the day, whether he's officially a narc or just a jerk doesn't really matter. I think the emotional fallout of being blatantly lied to and misled is the same regardless of a diagnosis. And, yes, of course ... I and every one of us on this site needs to question why we got and/or stayed involved with the narc/jerk who hurt us. I'm guessing that's the most important piece of this crazy puzzle we're all trying to solve! Thanks for your thoughts....
Nov 20 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
empath
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makessensenow

He does sound like a total DB that you should not allow back into your life ever again, and I feel bad that you are hurting as much as I feel it for myself and everyone whose circumstances have led them to this forum. There is a lot of strength and healing to be found in looking at your own vulnerabilities with compassion, and now is a great time to do so. Surely now you realize you deserve better than the experience that you had with that user, and you will learn to assert yourself and your relationship requirements better from now on. I know that you will learn and become stronger as a result of this. If anything, these men give us a parting gift, in that we find our way back to who we are and what we want and what we deserve. Wishing you peace and healing. :-)
Nov 17 - 7AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Makessensenow

I have my own version of "how could he?" and it is so disappointing and painful. That being said, I know what you mean. You know, from reading stories and opinions here, I came to peace with this idea. The answer is: "He could cause he is a narcs" They are not all exactly the same. What is common to all of them is the lack of empathy, lack of compassion, lack of this natural responsability for what other may feel as a consequence of their actions. They do whatever suite them, the rest does not matter. Yes, it is sad, period. We need to accept it. Once accepted, the sadness slowly goes away. Wish you inner peace. Love Winter
Nov 19 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Makessensenow
Makessensenow's picture

Thanks Winter....

You're so right, "they do what suits them" and a "lack of natural responsibility for what others may feel as a consequence of their actions" describes the N I know perfectly. Or, I should say the narc I "KNEW" -- thanks to NC!!! I think the bottom line for me will just have to be "it is what it is." There really is no point in trying to figure them out any further than that, is there?!
Nov 17 - 7AM
Sparrow
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You weren't support, you were

You weren't support, you were supply. Getting past denial is a very important step. You need to truly look at him for what he is, don't focus on "who" he is and what he represented to you all these years. You need to be honest with yourself and admit and accept that he is a disordered man. And there is nothing that he can do or say to make that any different than what it is. Good luck! Youi can do it!
Nov 19 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Makessensenow
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Spot on, Sparrow

I was SUPPLY, not support! And you're right, I need to look at him for what he is, not who (I thought) he was to me all those years. Thanks for tweaking my outlook on these points. It's so easy to get stuck in the emotions of the situation that it definitely helps to have people on this forum give a more objective viewpoint! Thank you!