And, tonight, I cry.

When I can pull my shit together, I'll tell you about all of the fuckery my NFS has been up to. It's mind boggling. I not only outsmarted and avoided his BLATANT attempts to Hoover, I did it without him even knowing I was behind the scenes. What happened makes me sick but it quite honestly took almost all of the CD running rampant in my brain and eviscerated it. That will be for tomorrow...

In the meantime, I sit in my bed and sob. But it's different this time. I'm not crying because I'm wondering if he can ever step up and give me everything he promised. I'm not crying because he's in bed at this moment with one of his OW.

I'm crying for me. I'm crying over how he robbed me. How he fucked me up in the head. What I let him do to me. Now I feel anger and mortal sadness. I'm mourning the loss of a very special part of me that he took. I'm not blaming myself, I'm just so sad for that little girl inside of me who was so eager to give it away. I look back and see with such clarity what I so willingly and lovingly gave away WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT.

I will mourn this, I am not mad at myself, I'm trying to let go of the shame.
I'm crying because its like I'm fucking seeing everything through a completely different set of lenses.