And now the sadness card.....

Okay... I'm pushing forward with ending this... and it's definitely not easy. In fact it hurts... a lot! Not that he does anything but put down my pain when it's been revealed... but that's beside the point.

However, that being said, in the last three days I have been sent an e-mail saying, "I can't believe you'd end the relationship over this." (Referring to my son and the summer, and then an e-mail saying he would sign the Quit Claim and get out as fast as humanly possible.

Then when I wrote and said Thank You and could we please try to have some dignity because we have been together for 8 years and did have some good times and there was love so could we try to be decent through this very difficult time.... (stupid me) the next e-mail I got was, "Please take that crap and shove it back up your ass." And then I got, "At least now I know you were lying the whole time... I knew you were."

When I didn't respond to that (cause I'm getting better at this a little at a time) I got two lengthy voicemails explaining to me that it "really wasn't very cool of him to tell me to shove it" but that I needed to understand that I have been delivering lies to "people" the whole time because if it has taken me 8 years to figure out that our needs are different. Apparenlty, I knew all of this in the beginning and decided to just lie about it the whole time. Yep. We're going to overlook the fact that he threatened to leave the relationship over my son and then indeed did go to Mommy's in-between shows on the weekends. And hasn't paid in over two months.

Sooooo, today I saw an attorney (he doesn't know that) to see what my rights are and although they're limited, there are some things we can do to try to scare him off. But he said that he will sign the Quit Claim today or tomorrow so attorney and I agreed to give him through tomorrow but that's it.

And then... the sadness came. I get a phone call at work with a message that says, "Hey, I just called to say Hi. I have this huge knot in my stomach and I tried taking a walk and just wanted to call."

Now of course that made me feel for him... and then I thought what his reaction would be if I had made that call to him.... it would have invited any kind of nasty response.

I'm struggling to hold on to my humanness because I really really really don't do the cold bitch thing well. And I actually do have love for this guy... although I can't tell you why. ANd I miss him a lot, at least the way he was more often the first few years. I went out with friends Saturday night to a bar and listened to a band play and danced. Was a little bit tough for me because I haven't gone out in awhile, I really didn't want any of the schmucks there to hit on me (and of course some did and one was married wearing his ring... JERK!) and then there's the part that this boyfriend of mine is an excellent musician and entertainer... and watching another band do a lot of songs he does is really hard. But I did overall manage to let it go and have some fun.

Anyway.... this just doesn't seem to get any easier does it.

Thanks All! I keep whining on here and even if nobody answers.... it's very cathartic just to write it out where people who will see it... will get it. Know what I mean?