And he's finally hoovered ... Pearls of Wisdom Needed

My bipolar father passed away a couple of months ago. My ex N's first wife who I was on good terms with heard the news, called me, and told me she would share the news with the N who was out of the country. I told her it was not necessary. My ex N and I both hated our fathers and admitted that now that they were old, we were looking forward to their dying. Less than an hour later I received an email from him cc'd to my mom and brother offering his sympathy and condolences. At the same time, he made sure his email was stamped with evidence of his tropical location. I hit reply all and typed,"there is no need to offer your sympathy since the only emotions you have ever exhibited are anger, rage, fear, and envy. Save the show for your next victim." He quickly replied back, "You are right. I retract my condolences." and I luckily never heard from him again!,

Mine liked to exchange niceties. I think he wanted to prove he had a soul. HA!!!!!!! FAT F_____ CHANCE!!!!

The one time I responded to my narc's hoovering was to confirm that, yes, my relationship was continuing fine. He didn't reply.

VERY COMMON! He was fishing.............thre his line in, confident he would catch you, and what he caught was an "old boot" and it infuriated him. There is NOTHING sincere about these men! Reading posts like Gerri's should remind and confirm that to us!!! Hang in there girl! You are doing amazing! And clearly, he's not! He must be STARVING right now. Asshole!!!

in not including anything about feelings in your response. Please note that you were again D & D'd in just a short e-mail exchange. Since you did not gush back that of course you will recall fond memories and yes, you miss him too (gag) he had to send you a jab 'yeah, i'm fine...nice of you.' What a guy! Boy I bet that just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy about him. Bet you're just sobbing over what you've lost... NOT. You re-wrote the script. You didn't fall into place. You didn't bite so he's got to attempt to make you feel bad. Typical. Predictable. Boring. I am so glad you are done. Great work, Gerri! You should feel very good about yourself. Great things are in store for your new Narc Free life. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. THE SICK FREAK IS BACK IN THE ZOO AND NOT IN MY HEAD.

Yes, it's typical. Like you, I tried to discuss "divorce business" (only) via email with xnh. I said nothing personal, because I had already reconciled in my mind that it was OVER. There was no point in hashing over battles, or opening old wounds any longer. I have more than 50 whining, emotional messages archived from xnh, however. Most of them were divorce business information from me, and he would respond back trying to interject what he thought I "should" be feeling into his responses, or he would just send whiny, blathering rants back at me for no reason at all. I simply refused to respond to any of the emotional stuff. One example is the following email I send him about divorce business: "Xnh, This is just to let you know that I have refinanced my car and removed your name from my account. Please do the same for me on your car loan as soon as possible. For your second car, I will be somewhat negotiable since it's so close to being paid off. However, the credit papers stated that you still owe ~$26,000 on your main car. I wish to be removed from any involvement with that loan. Also, please let me know when you are coming to get the remainder of your stuff. I would like it removed as soon as possible. Mystwoman" Here was xnh's response to this message: "Not sure I understand the hostility, but OK. If it is OK with you, I will go out on Friday and finish everything. If you would like me to do it sooner (like after work) I will. Please let me know. In case you haven't figured it out, I still love you and always have. We are split up because you are not my only priority and I feel like that is not acceptable to you. I really tried to be nice yesterday even though I was sad and tired. Please accept my apologies if I sounded bossy. I deeply hope we can talk again someday. If not, I'll try my best to understand. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I know you will be less stressed now. Xnh" As an entertaining little side note, xnh started signing his messages using all THREE of his names (first, middle, last). It was like he was trying to be very pompous and "formal". Maybe he was afraid that OW would see. lol. I ignored this message from xnh and did not respond at all. As far I can tell, there WAS no hostility in my message. It was business, and there was nothing emotional coming from me. His response, however, was twisted into an excuse for him to vent. We are NOT split up because I'm not his only priority. We are split up because he was an abusive narc liar, and he was cheating on me. I see absolutely no need to accept OW as one of his "other" priorities. As for xnh being bossy, that is a complete understatement. Xnh is ALL about control. He was even trying to bait and manipulate me in that message. lol. So yes, narcs will try to pretend that they are caring and considerate, if they think it will make them look good. Narcs are all about illusion, and maintaining their false self. Underneath they're still turds. In reality, they're so full of crap that their eyes are brown.

Yes it's hoovering and yes it's BS! Answering him for anything is a mistake. Bills weren't there for 2 months? I know I need to take care of my bills monthly. I just had an ahha moment, mine is silent because any comment like that would get a response that he would not want to hear! They know 100% what they are doing. This mess even the bills are yours to fix, he will never follow thru with any request! Delete Delete Delete or you will be stick FOREVER! Hunter

He told you he missed you 'so very very much' and you did not acknowledge that part of his email! I bet he thought you would jump on that one sentence - He misses ME! but you didn't!!! good for you! Nothing is normal , no text or call or anything is normal with them, you will go insane trying to understand and reason with them - word salad/ scrambled narc eggs - keep looking forward! you have it in you to do this and get out! good for you!! be strong!

Typical Hoover. He's a dick and a bigtime narc. Try not to analyze it too much, there just words, there's no weight behind them. Your doing great! :)

My Narc hasn't hoovered and I know it is for the best, but kind of hurts and is bothering me....but I don't have the dilemma about what to do. So I guess I should consider myself lucky. Yes this sounds like something he would write too, and I think something he wrote to me in the past was similar to this. Whats a bet the colder you are the colder and more pissed off he will become. He expected you to mirror what he said and butter up his ego, instead you didn't take the bait. Don't react to his snide comment having a dig at you...just keep it factual. It is best for you and it will totally mess with his head, not yours haha Wow 2 months! My Narc had this thing where he just couldn't accept he was an asshole and had to play nice guy, do the right thing etc....I think this is what yours is doing. Doesn't want to be painted as the asshole, trying to clear his name and make you think he is a decent guy. It is all an act to make him feel better.

It's funny. I'm seeing a pattern on this site lately. Dear ______. Gee, how are you? I really hope you are well. We had it good. Now it's over. Blah blah blah blah blah. Sounds like your narc is classic text book. Good for you for not getting hooked in. I'm rolling my eyes right now...what a dork he is. And the sad thing is, I can totally hear my xN saying something like that. Thanks for the cautionary tale...he might be back and I will be ready. Hope this didn't rattle you too much. They can be sarcastic sh*ts when they don't get what they want.