Am I so different from him?

Hey Survivalist.... I don't like words like better because it implies a competition, and I don't compete...however Mr. N always did and that was something that bothered me. He either was better than other people or extrodinarily jealous of those around him who had more than he did. Why do I mention that? Because I think that one of the outcomes of being with a Narc is that we spend so much time trying to understand them, trying to figure them out, trying to please them...that we lose a bit of ourselves in the process. Coming out of a Narc relationship is our first opportunity to really see just how changed we've become..but it first requires that we untangle ourselves from the Narc influence. That untangling is not an instantaneous thing...it can take weeks, it can take months...and when we are fresh out of the relationship we have to give ourselves time. That being said, I do think that an important part of our untangling is to understand that Narcissism is a personality disorder and that there really isn't anything that we could have done to influence the outcome of our relationship with the Narc. We have to understand that Narcs lack empathy and as such, make poor partners due to their inability to see things from another's point of view. Regardless of how charming they are at times, we cannot forget that everything is about them. Right now, it would not be good of you to look for another relationship...you have to give yourself the time to process this one. You need to seek out a therapist so that you can take a deeper look into yourself and see what is it that drew you to the Narc in the first place. Oftentimes there are wounds within us that attract us to these types and without addressing them...we will simply go from Narc relationship to Narc relationship and that is not a good way to go. But just because you may have wounds that find the Narc's charms to be desireable, does not mean that you are dysfunctional. It means that you are human. Hugs.

You can still have good self esteem and be with a N for other reasons. In this economy, some people have lost nearly everything. They are more vulnerable for a time, but that does not mean they have self esteem problems. Many psychiatrists have had family and relationship problems even with PD's. The N's are the ones with self esteem issues underneath their false fronts. Are we to blame for their being abusive? Not in my book. I do however take my power back by finding out how to better shield myself from them by putting up more boundaries. That is taking responsibility for what actions I need to take from now on. To me, this shows that I deserve better treatment. Therefore, I will protect myself from them and be more selective to find what I deserve. I deserve to get back some of what I give to my partner. If I get nothing, then I need to dust myself off and keep moving onward and upward...Face what it is that you may need to improve on, but don't put all of his nonsense into your responsibility bucket...

I just spoke to some of this in another post. Don't forget while you are self reflecting what was just done to you. Yes, we all play a part and do need to make adjustments in ourselves to avoid future abuse. You are also in healing mode now and while the tendency for some is to blame themselves, you did not deserve what was done to you no matter how low your self esteem may have been. He took advantage of this, they look for those who are trusting. Sometimes we use this self butchering as an excuse to return to the Narc, so please do not fall into that trap. Work the steps, they take you through all of these stages, from the looking at what was done to you to the self reflection stage. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/12/26/numb-feeling God bless, Goldie

That's just the negative thought patterns that the N kept triggering in you. It's a bad habit which was formed through repetition. You can now replace those with positive thoughts. Through the same use of repetition, positive images will replace the negative, self defeating ones that are causing you to doubt yourself. Every time you hear yourself say something, or think something like, "I'm dysfunctional", tell the voice inside your head, "No, you are wrong. I"m a smart, strong. healthy woman." and that is the truth!

Absolutely feel the way you describe. So many times I think I'm a complete waste of space...with simply no direction or hope. Id say I feel this 70% of the time :/

Absolutely feel the way you describe. So many times I think I'm a complete waste of space...with simply no direction or hope. Id say I feel this 70% of the time :/

A Narc wouldn't try to grow and change and seek help on this forum, trying to make sense of it all, trying to become a happier person. Also, I assume you don't usually lie to other people, manipulate them or willingly hurt them. And if you do hurt them, you will probably feel bad and apologize, right? Because you have empathy and respect for other people. You probably wouldn't blame them for something they are innocent of and be cold or aggressive and try to "punish" them somehow. So you may not FEEL very stable or healthy or loving as a person - we all got our issues to work on - but what I'm saying is: compared to a NARC you ARE. On the issue of low self-esteem: Thanks to the Narc I have finally understood how impossibly hard I've been on myself all my life, and that pretty much all of my problems are a direct result of extremely low self-esteem. I am by no means perfect, but I am definitely way more beautiful and awesome as a person than I have been giving myself credit for! We need to learn to see that in ourselves, we need to love and respect ourselves. Imagine you were a good friend of yours: would you judge her as harshly as you judge yourself? Would you expect her to be perfect? Or would you be genuinely fond of her in spite of her imperfections? We need to learn to see ourselves that way. And then we will finally realize that we DO deserve better! :)

Ditto, I feel the same, like I don't deserve better. I have empathy and lots of feelings, included in there is anger, resentment etc. Mostly I feel sucked dry by him and life.

Regardless of who you are or are not, have or have not, You have things the xn never will, " the ABILITY to heal " . You also have empathy, remorse and the ABILITY to look at yoursef. Those are like the keys to opening the doors to the paths to healing. If you dont have one of the keys you may as well give up. These keys are such blessings and tonight I realised just how lucky I am to own these tools. I'm not doomed for a life of misery and dysfunction if I am willing to take action to work hard from here forward. You have the keys, he doesnt... that is the difference, so yes you are so very different from him.