Am I just living in a dream world?

Try not to confuse common interests with a good match. Look for common values. Of course, you don't want to be with someone whose lifestyle/interests are too different or opposite from yours, but if he hasn't heard of your favorite authors and you don't play tennis like he does, that is ok. It can be fun to share your interests with each other, and a person who is interested in getting to know that part of you is a good thing. It is sexy when a guy has his thing even if it is not your thing. (so long as it is not something that you oppose). You

You might simply just not be that into any of the other guys so far... or you may still need to do just a little more soul searching with some time on your own. Get to know yourself better and what your relationship patterns have been. Have a really good idea of what you like about yourself and what you would like in a partner, and what was it that the narc filled for you that maybe you can fill on your own... or what faulty beliefs of yours did the narc reveal for you that you can now reprogram? Try not to confuse common interests with a good match. Look for common values. Of course, you don't want to be with someone whose lifestyle/interests are too different or opposite from yours, but if he hasn't heard of your favorite authors and you don't play tennis like he does, that is ok. It can be fun to share your interests with each other, and a person who is interested in getting to know that part of you is a good thing. It is sexy when a guy has his thing even if it is not your thing. (so long as it is not something that you oppose). You may discover more common interests along the way as you continue to get to know each other. But remember that values are the key. Think about what your core values are and discover what these men value. What kind of lifestyle do you lead? Is nutrition and exercise important to you? Is it to him? Is practicing religion important? Do you value commitment and faithfulness? etc, etc. What are your deal breakers? There are nice-to-haves and must-haves. You may want a tall brunette with muscles who can play guitar, but that short, blonde guy who writes books may be the perfect guy for you, for example. A lot of what we like about the narcs was fake because they profile us and become what we want them to be (until that front starts to crumble because it was fake). They tap into that fantasy image we have of a "perfect" guy, though they are sooo far from it in reality. They hook us with something that we want or dream of and don't have... Or we are attracted to that front that they put up because it is a pretty good, glamorous, sexy, flashy front. Who doesn't want all that glamor in a guy? It's just flare, though.... just an illusion of a guy, not the real guy. Eventually you will find it sexy when a guy is a real good, honest, down-to-earth guy who is compatible with you and wants consistency and commitment without all the uber drama that the narc was. Good guys can become sexy as you discover that they are GOOD guys. Maybe you just aren't into anyone yet. And that is ok. Maybe it just isn't time to start looking. I suggest taking time to not date for a while. wait to date when you won't be comparing to the narc or to what image you have or whatever need you are looking to fulfill or whatever is going on that has you doing a comparison. You know the narc wasn't good for you and wasn't a genuine person, so what is it that keeps you comparing? explore that and grieve that relationship. I took a long time to be alone, and I got used to it and liked it. Now I'd like to date, but I haven't met anyone I am interested in. But I am not comparing to the narc, and that is a good feeling. I know more what I am after, and I am comfortable with myself. And instead of comparing a guy to another guy or to some fantasy in my fantasy-land head, I stay in reality and evaluate if they are good guys... would they be good for me and would we be compatible with similar values and goals. I stay grounded and don't get swept away, and sex doesn't cloud my vision because I don't let that happen. I used to just jump in and "have fun" and go for it only to end up in flings and dalliances with unavailable men or narcs. We women who have had a history with a narc or unavailable assclowns really should guide the pace of a relationship and evaluate and be selective. Know your worth and your boundaries and keep your feet on the ground and head in reality. When we feel such a super strong connection to someone who is unavailable, commitment phobic, or bad like a narc, we should take a look at how we, too, are unavailable and to what degree. You may first say, "Oh, no, i AM available and I WANT a relationship." But dig a little deeper and you may discover how you have been unavailable and have had relationship fears and faulty beliefs about love and what you deserve. Or maybe you will discover that your self esteem has been low and now is the time to build it up. Don't feel bad about letting these guys down. That is what dating is... you take a chance to get to know someone, but it isn't always going to work out. You may make some friends along the way or may learn a few things here and there. If they are ultra devastated that you are not interested, then that is something within themselves for them to learn from and look at (just like we need to do when we are stuck on a narc). but most guys will feel a little crush or ego blow but will move on if you are honest and nice about it. You SHOULD feel bad if you try to force feelings and keep a guy around when you just aren't present or aren't over the ex and are dating for the wrong reasons. Give it some time before you get back into dating. Be open to it , but don't force it or get down about it if someone doesn't blow your socks off. It is a good thing to be single. You are enough on your own. Men are enhancements, they aren't necessities. I have faith that we can find really great guys that we will feel that wonderful friendship, attraction, respect and love for. And they will feel it for us and cherish us for the wonderful women that we are.

IN THE MEANTIME she talks about this and says that when we meet someone that is not just like us it creates a feeling of resistance that is healthy and helps us to grow. That being in love is not bieng the same in everything. That will be a huge one for me as I too thought we were so meant for each other because we were so the same. dont know if that helps