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Am I insane??

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#1 Jan 31 - 3PM
vFox
vFox's picture

Am I insane??

gosh aren't I a mess today!!

As I said in another post, I broke my 3 month NC yesterday. It has me such a mess now.

I am about to get off work, and I am so tempted to go to his place to see him. and talk to him. i find the weakness in myself thinking maybe he will be rational and honest with me. I want to open myself up to him. I want to cry to him. and as much as i HATE admitting it, i felt such comfort with him yesterday and I want to feel that again! i told him that we needed to go back to not talking since all he wants is sex and i want more. I was waiting for the "no thats not all i wanted from you, I miss you, i want you in my life, i will try to be better to you this time" but instead he is just said, ok. and why wouldn't he...its the easy way out for him, im doing him a favor

then everyone once in a while during the day, I start thinking how insane i am!! the realistic, strong side of me realizes how crazy i am thinking!! this is all part of the game. its just the same cycle that has repeated itsself over and over. I know what he is now...a big dumb N!! he got what he wanted from me (sex/supply) and he can go back to his g/f till he needs it again. He isn't worth my time or my tears.

ugh such a mess...its insane how he has such an effect on me. How he has changed me from one day to the next. And he has NO idea. I got a taste of the drug and it screwed me up!!

ladies...NO CONTACT IS GOLDEN!

Jan 31 - 6PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Your mad at yourself because

Your mad at yourself because you gave thus guy another chance and he burned you again. He will continue doing this and it will only get worse. Temptation, want and desire are extremely dufficults things to say no to. You just have to remember the end result and realize it's not worth it. It's like my friends that are dieting. They aren't going to eat anything that is fattening and they are going to go to the gym. Next thing you know, they ate an entire container of ice cream and skipped the gym. And they are left with the guilt of letting themselves down, giving in to their desires. Imagine if they did that every day? They would be faced with a much higher mountain to climb. And so will anyone who breaks NC. Shake off the mistake, think of the bigger picture next time and know your worth. You can do it!
Jan 31 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Look sometimes breaking no

Look sometimes breaking no contact after a long period of time is a good thing.. You've stepped back..gained knowledge and now see him for what he is.."Scrambled Eggs" Happened to me..at the six month the mark he called all pissed off.. What he was saying made zero sense.. ZERO.. The Mask was gone forever... I told him everything I thought of him.. And I included his mother.. Nothing was left unsaid.. He tried to weasel his words.. At one point I laughed at him.. Oh... That pissed him off.. I hung up ... I cried for two days..Goldie held my hand... Then ... Done.. Stick a fork in it.. You won't gain anything from contacting him...you figured it all out yesterday.. That was enough.. Hunter
Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
vFox
vFox's picture

Hunter, you just portray

Hunter, you just portray yourself so much stronger than I am. I hope that one day I can look back at all this and learn from it as you have. You and the others around here give me so much faith. How long have you been NC??
Jan 31 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I've been given the silent

I've been given the silent treatment.. As my form abuse.. I spoke to him I think it was may for the final time.. He resurfaced from 20 yrs ago.. I believed his BULL SHIT...He did this to me once before .. It all makes sense ..all of it.. He's insane.. I use the word PSYCHOPATH often.. That's what he is.. Do you like to associate with PSCHOPATH'S? I don't so....NC my friend.. It takes a long time to get better.. Trust me I still have my moments.. What he did is not OK.. Hunter
Jan 31 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
vFox
vFox's picture

Oh the silent treatment...

Oh the silent treatment... That's the abuse I endure as well. So ur N came back around after 20 years?! had he changed at all?? Better, worse??
Feb 1 - 3AM (Reply to #5)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

They never get better and

They never get better and indeed many become worse. My xN went back to several women 5/10/12 years later and successfully managed to have one night stands with them (unprotected sex). One of these women he'd dumped at a clinic for an abortion 12 years earlier, calling her a liar and driving off. These were women he'd tortured and destroyed welcoming him back for another kick in the teeth and he had a wife or Gf each time also. This is the strength of the addiction/conditioning/Stockholm Syndrome and the depth of their depravity that Ns feel they are entitled to come back as/when they decide and infect people's lives again. My xN started his reign of terror age 20 - he's now 66, a five year old in an aging lothario's body, still smug, arrogant, boastful, still manipulative, controlling, a pathological and compulsive liar, who feels entitled to do anything he likes and who truly sees nothing wrong with his behaviour - pure evil