Am I delaying my recovery

As you may have seen from my recent posts I suspect that the ex n has gone back to his ex wife. I stumbled accross this knowledge by accident and It was a major shock and setback and made me doubt that he was really an abuser if she would have him back.

Since this information coming to light I've done all I can to avoid finding anything more out because I'm focused on working on my recovery and I'm fully nc. No peeking no stalking avoiding all sources of information to the point where I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

I totally get that what he's doing and ow should not be my focus. We are over it's done and I'm committed to working on myself.

However I'm living in daily fear of finding out she's had him back. It's like I'm hiding away from having to know which is for my own protection. But am I just delaying my own recovery from hiding from this ? I don't know one way or the other what he's doing. Whether he's with her or someone else. But I feel like I'm doing myself more harm by this constant avoidance of it. I'm going to have to find out at some point. Someone is going to tell me despite the fact I've told anyone I can not to mention him to me.

It's not that knowing will make the difference to anything really. But I just feel like should I just find out and get it over with so that I'm not living in fear of finding out in a way that's out of my control.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this. I know that many members write about how they torture themselves by looking at what their ex is doing on Facebook etc which is something I have no intention of doing but I feel like if I knew he was with her or not it would be the final blow. The final piece of the jigsaw and the final hurdle so that I can work through recovery without the fear of this hanging over me.

Can anyone give me some guidance On this so that I can try and bury it once and for all ?

It's going to hurt either way and maybe it is best I do what I'm doing by avoiding any knowledge of him until I care less. It's been 6 weeks nc so it's early days but everytime I've left the house recently I've seen someone connected to him and I've had to do all sorts of avoidance tactics.

I just feel like I'd rather know so that I can deal with it and get over it instead of delaying the inevitable.

Just to reiterate this isn't about me wanting to know because I think there is still a chance for me and him. I have reached my ENOUGH point. Another go rooms would surely kill me I do know that. I simply couldn't take anymore