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Always and Absolutes

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#1 Jan 21 - 9AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Always and Absolutes

Somone made a comment about you cant use always and absolutes regarding this. I will respectfully disagree.

This is a disease of ALWAYS and ABSOLUTES. It is the crux of their illness. Ridgity and Inflexability. This is the core of their behavior. Very early in life they adopted very maladaptive behavior as a means of coping with a parent that wasnt meeting their needs.

One of the most prevalent characteristics of these freaks is their absolute black and white thinking and many of them use stock phrases such as ALWAYS and NEVER when they communicate with you. I know mine did. He would say I will ALWAYS love you and He ALWAYS did that even when it didnt really flow in the conversation.

One thing for certain, They will ABSOLUTELY and ALWAYS hurt you. That is their disease. They will ALWAYS need supply. There will ALWAYS be other women. There is ABSOLUTELY no way around this.

Jan 23 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You're always and absolutely

You're always and absolutely correct.. Hunter
Jan 21 - 7PM
Im_always_fine
Im_always_fine's picture

The CONTEXT of the comment

The CONTEXT of the comment that I made about "no always and no absolutes" was not about the narc but the in response to the comment that "all" women involved with the narc are the OW. That's not ALWAYS true, it is not an absolute. The narc is the same animal...it's the women that VARY.
Jan 21 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

gettinbetter

Do you mean they use the words absolute and never all the time..... SO DO I?...is that what your post is saying...so that proves they are narcs I am a bit lost...
Jan 21 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

No used that's not what I'm

No used that's not what I'm saying. What I mean that will always behavior in a dysfunction manner ie I dealize devalue discard. But I was also saying that narcs use those phrases a lot. But guess who else does ? Yep you guessed it the codependent! It is a manifestation of black and white thinking. I tend to be a black and white thinker. Just cause you use those phrases doesn't mean your either. I would just say narcs and codependents use them more than average
Jan 21 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Used
Used's picture

gettinbetter

OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ONE I AM....LOL
Jan 21 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I would say that black and

I would say that black and white thinking is not always bad in your case it helped you get out of this mess. You are one of the few people on here that when you were done with this cat you were DONE!
Jan 21 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
Used
Used's picture

gettinbetter

THANKYOU FOR THAT GETTING BETTER.... I still get days that I THINK I AM A NARC.... cos I didnt just drop him, I dropped my exh, and *best* now exnff, and I ended up thinking....didnt I care about any of them.... on a good day, I think I did once, but cos of the co-dependant thing, they thought I COULDNT LIVE WITHOUT THEM....AND THATS WHERE THE BLACK AND WHITE THINKING CAME IN.... I THOUGHT WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT.....THEY ARE STILL TRYING TO GET BACK WITH ME....NEEDY SODS..
Jan 21 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yep me too. I hate to say it

Yep me too. I hate to say it Codependent have some things in common with Narcs. We have a very strong need to control. Dont you think thats exactly what you were doing? You wanted control over that and if you really think back on it I bet you felt very out of control and thats what drove you to do it. The need for control can also drive a codependent to keep trying to gain control in the relationship thats why many go back over and over with the "Im gonna fix him" mentality. Its to gain control over a situation that you feel very out of control in. You know what used? I think they are so drawn to codpendents because they see part of themselves in us. The fear of abandonment. Thats why they feel so comfortable with us. One wounded soul recognizes another. Also when the they look at us they see the good side of themselves. I believe it is the codependent that they feel most comfortable with but with that comes even more volatility both fighting fiercely for control of the whole dysfunctional relationship
Jan 22 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

This hits close to home. My

This hits close to home. My therapist introduced me to the word co-dependent. I didn't know I was one. Co-dependents and Ns..are the perfect storm. I think everyone that knew both my N and I never understood why we couldn't just "quit each other."
Jan 21 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Used
Used's picture

gettinbetter

What you have said is spot on, except the reason for going back the last time with exn....I thought, you are history my son and I am going to make it as painful as you did to me when you kept disappearing....AND I DID!!!!! I also think with people like me... my feelings for someone can be SO INTENSE....So that in the end it feels burnt out....and cos they all controlled me....AND I LET THEM.....I WAS ANGRY WITH MY SELF AS WELL.....BUT NOW ALL DONE AND DUSTED AND 3 NARCS OUT THERE LOOKING FOR THIS LITTLE CO-DEPENDANT.... DO YOU AGREE THAT ITS POSSIBLE TO NO LONGER BE A CO-DEPENDANT?....I HAVE CHANGED MY WAY OF LIFE COMPLETELY, SINCE I RELIZED THIS ABOUT MY SELF BEIGN CO-DEPENDANT...
Jan 21 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

OH of course. There is no

OH of course. There is no once a codependent always a codependent. Codependency is simply a set of of dysfunctional behaviors (usually fixing) rooted in control. Once you recognize you can absolutely make conscious efforts to change it. A narc cannot because they have no ability for introspection so there they do not see their behavior as dysfunctional. They see it as right. I am still struggling with it though people have commented that I am much more "Assertive" these days. So I think I have made progress.
Jan 21 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Used
Used's picture

gettinbetter

OH, you have made loads of progress....you realy have... I was always assertive, even more so now......lol but if I liked someone, I used to let somethings slide... I dont now....those days are over.. I also used to be more aggresive....now I just think oh who cares..... I HAVE SENT YOU A PM..
Jan 21 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

So very true. Anyone that

So very true. Anyone that thinks their is "different" and their's may change, couldn't be more wrong. They are all the same, just in different costumes. It is what it is. Mine, I can guarentee, without a doubt, is on the prow, searching for his next target. He has done this for many, many years, and will do it until the day he dies. He know's no different.
Jan 21 - 9AM
Skb
Skb's picture

Wow

How astute. You are SO RIGHT! He WAS rigid and inflexible. Always made it out to be because he was "doing the right thing" while all the while lying through his teeth and cheating. He said people misunderstood him. Arrogant SOB!
Jan 21 - 9AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

gettinbetter

Yes, they see things as black or white. They ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE CONTROL. You must play by their rules,or get played.
Jan 21 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

YEP. ALWAYS!!

YEP. ALWAYS!! IDEALIZE, DEVALUE, DISCARD rinse and repeat ALWAYS OVER AND OVER!
Jan 21 - 9AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Fogot to say is they ALWAYS

Fogot to say is they ALWAYS repeat the same behavior over and over and can NEVER figure out that their relationships fail because of their maladaptive coping skills. Over and Over they do the same thing and they NEVER get it. NEVER.