all these posts about the OW are pointless

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#1 Nov 13 - 9PM

empath

all these posts about the OW are pointless

It's the equivalent of Ted Bundy's victim organizing a beauty pageant or talent competition, and being jealous and competitive of each other...it is that insane.

If you are comparing yourself or obsessing about the OW, you are missing the point altogether. You were the unsuspecting target of a manipulative disordered predator, and so are they.

With time, more knowledge of NPD, you will understand what you are dealing with, and why the whole concept of OW is pointless. There will always be a slower gazelle for the cheetah to prey upon.

#2 Nov 14 - 8AM

Sea

Let me share something about

Let me share something about the ex narcky and how i am so over the OW issue even before i started NC. I used to be jealous of his "friendships" with his exes, female friends etc. It was so painful and tiring. As the weeks, months, years goes by more and more women are added to the stable. Many more i discovered as i go along. They all have entered narcky's life at some point of time without me knowing. Until a day all my fingers n toes together are not enough to count the number of these women. And he did exactly what Goldie said, profess feelings for me only then walk outa the door and text OW. They hate to be too close to any. They have intimacy problem. They keep grooming and keeping women around for supplies. I have seen quite a number of them. The "range" can be shocking! Some are uneducated naive, some are downright sluts, some are decent woman with regular jobs, a divorcee with kids, a few have professional jobs. He used to tell me none of his women is a lawyer like me. He is trying to make me jealous. By the time i had a view of his range. I gave up comparing. Who do i wana compare with? The slut? The other professional women? On what criterias? Brains? Earning power? Looks? So many? How to compare? And very importantly even if i beat them all will narcky love me? NO! By comparing with them makes us miserable. It does not change anything the narcky thot abt u. And most narcs esp somatic ones keeps zillion women. I am not joking. They do! Just a matter of how much we manage to find out. So quit comparing. It is doing nothing except hurting yourself.

#3 Nov 14 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

Gravity

Sea

Yup. I actually used to notice that whenever my ex-psycho was going to attend an event with mutual friends where he would run into his ex-gf, he would text me right before seeing her or right after. He would make the conversation turn sexual, of course, too. I definitely think he did it so he could see her knowing he had someone else, not get too close to her and not get too close to me. Also, to have his ego fed before or after seeing her. My ex narc before him did this as well. Would see other girls and then call me RIGHT after. Mean to both of us, really. And for the longest time I got upset when I saw him with OW, then I saw another woman, and another, and another, and another. All of them he idealized, and were "smaller than me" or "didn't talk as much as me" or "fit in better with his friends" or were "less anxious than me" and he always added "no offense" after these comments too. He then hated everything about them saying they weren't up to his standards. Some he was with for years, some for months. It all depended. And after he D&D'd there was no going back for him with anything.. just supply if he occasionally needed it.

#4 Nov 14 - 9AM (Reply to #24)

Sea

LOL i like what u said about

LOL i like what u said about another woman and another and another and another!! Endless! Looks like u managed to see how many zillions he managed to groom under his belt!

#5 Nov 14 - 5AM

Hermes

Empath

I wholly agree with your post. It is pointless to obsess about the OW, real or perceived. Indeed IMO the whole point is that these are abusers - it matters not whether they have or do not have a PD. It is abusive to verbally and emotionally batter someone. Abuse is NOT limited to physical abuse only. The question to ask oneself is : why stay with an abuser? And, how can I get away as quickly as possible from the abuser? Hermes

#6 Nov 14 - 2AM

dulcinea441

It's like you read my mind

It's like you read my mind tonight. Would any of us here date Ted Bundy -- or, for that matter, Charles Manson or Adolf Hitler? Our exes are just milder versions of those monsters but they are still PSYCHOPATHS. As in, they have NO CONSCIENCE. Let's all stop pretending they're human beings that are worth our love and attention!

#7 Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #20)

empath

dulcinea

After some of the things I've read on this site, I am convinced some of the women here would indeed date those men. Once you know what you know, you must put that knowledge into action. If you refuse to do so, you go from being a "victim" to being a "volunteer". Why continue to cooperate with your abuser, once you realize what they are? All the information and tools you need to protect yourself are available...seek them out and make use of them!

#8 Nov 14 - 12AM

lillymarch

Nicely said.

"There will always be a slower gazelle for the cheetah to prey upon." I love it! Thanks

#9 Nov 14 - 12AM (Reply to #18)

empath

thanks lol

Every day during my morning mediation, I ask to have a Truth revealed to me. Seems to be helping. :-)

#10 Nov 13 - 9PM

ReclaimingPower

That is hysterical

GREAT Point! And what a ghoulish visual. Even when they are with us, they are feeding on many others for attention -- they are energy vampires. My N would see me on a Wednesday and then be at happy hours on Thursdays and Fridays. He would be with women much older than him that were oozing all over him; he just loved the attention. And when he didn't get the adoration from me, he'd be playing the opposite game of silent treatment, flirting in front of me or picking a fight to get a negative response. If only I knew about narcissism BEFORE I was devalued and nearly lost myself completely. But I'm a fighter...and there are reasons for everything.... I'll be a better stronger person and will definitely be able to help others after I am back at full strength, and he won't have another go at me (please God let that be true).

#11 Nov 13 - 9PM

Gravity

empath

totally agree! Hunter reminded me of this a while ago when I was upset that he was hitting on another girl at work. For a while I would beg my friends to describe the girl the ex-psycho was walking around campus with and then I realized.. it DOESN'T FRIGGEN MATTER! She's another victim and the only reason he's spending so much time on her is because she's knew and she has yet to be "conquered." My ex-psycho broke up with his ex gf of 3 years when he met me. At the time I didn't realize that he kept her on a string throughout the year we were together. The second I found him out I saw him in pictures A WEEK later with his ex gf. I heard through the grapevine that she was asking about me when we first started dating. She didn't realize that I was just new supply.. I was a new conquest.. I was NO better than her at all! And now he circled back around her when I became to difficult. And he'll come back to me when she find him out, or he's bored, and so forth. Who knows how many girls he talks to, for a while he would text me down to the minute (6:53) every night at the same time, so I often wonder if the douche had an alarm set on his phone when he would text each girl he was dating at the time. VOM DOT COM.

#12 Nov 13 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

empath

gravity

Someone had posted about the movie 9 1/2 Weeks, the scene where he gives her a watch and tells her to look at it at a certain time every day and think of him. They DO "train" us like that. When I first left the N, my bff would call me every day during "the witching hour", the time when the N would usually reach out to me...my bff did this on purpose, to help keep me strong...we both knew that would be something that would be undone. I had to actively work through no longer associating certain times of the day with him...it was a trigger every day for me when i first went NC though. As I am sure that time is for you. Eventually, we stop attaching significance to it, and it fades away. :-) Just like the Ns themselves do.

#13 Nov 13 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

Gravity

Empath

I haven't seen the movie but I've heard of it. I definitely have to check it out soon! Do you think they do this on purpose so that we are trained to expect to hear from them at certain times of day and get upset when we don't? Or, do you think it's a way to organize and keep track of all the women they are playing? Either way it's horrible and manipulative so I suppose it doesn't matter because the end result is still the same. Still.. curious. And if they are doing it for control, where did they learn this stuff!? Mine did say some pretty scary things and when I asked him where he learned them he simply said "he did a lot of reading." Maybe he did a lot of reading about manipulation/control/etc. Very scary!!

#14 Nov 14 - 12AM (Reply to #15)

empath

gravity

There are plenty of sites on the internet where people can learn seduction techniques, how to be a player, etc. There is something called neurolinguistic programming or NLP that is a method of speaking designed to manipulate. There are military strategies for influencing and cercing people...so much dark knowledge that can be found on the internet. No doubt the N you were with "did a lot of reading". I have checked out a bunch of the sites myself, and learned about techniques all the way from the rather mild "negative hit" or "neg hit" technique, which is something players do to make a woman feel unstwble...it is a compliment with an insult embedded in it...and then there are far more neoharious techniques, one that can cause a person to have suicidal ideation. Ns use trauma bonds and"double binds"to influence our thinking and gain control over our thought patterns...there are techniques that work and can be replicated by even the most worthless oathetic loser of a mna, to help him gain dominance over a woman. Our best defense is our awareness and our own intuition. If it feels like something isn't right, it isn't right. If it feels like something is too good to be true, it probably is. If you feel in a way that is totally different or surprisingly too familiar, that is a clue to take an objective step back and examine the situation. Getting back to your question about why they do it..your question is a good example of a "double bind"...you are wonderin this about him or that about him instead of just realizing that for whatever reason, it was a fucked up thing for him to be doing and you are lucky to finally be free of that!

#15 Nov 14 - 12AM (Reply to #12)

destiny (not verified)

I think they do it on purpose

I think they do it on purpose in fact I know Narc did. back in the 'good old days' aka days he wore the mask still. he would call me to make sure I was awake and on time for this one appt that I had that only happened one day a week. I used to t hink he cared...how sweet the N. most of the times it was the day after we had been up late at nite talking when we used to get along. so there was this time that he was doing the silent treatment thing...or partially... I was going about my day...and I jumped when the phone rang.. it was Narc checking to see if I was running on time- (only thing is N didnt know the appt was canceled for that week) oddly the nite before i had been thinking he never did that anymore. he used to 'meet' me on IM at a set time each nite, until it annoyed the crap out of me...because this was when I still had MY own life..pre Narc...and I was not ready to end my nite and sit on IM that early ... so then he moved it back...and I got used to him either Iming or calling nightly. and lost my schedule which I still have not gotten back .although I am trying. if anything he would call me twice a day. i used to be very busy and would enjoy our talks as a nice break in my day. he would always either text or email if he wasnt going to be on IM to let me know he was going to bed (that all ended and I missed that part a lot) then he got into this thing that he was too busy.. and i had to understand that it cant go back to the way it was. :/ so , he would go days with nothing...not even a morsel and be very harsh about it too. one nite before i recently went NC he sent me an IM- just saying goodnite so you wouldnt think i was ignoring as absurd as that is ( mocking me I believe) I guess I should be thankful I am past the wondering and fretting over the hour of the day he used to call and went thru that part of hurting months ago... and that was a very difficult time for me. withdrawl is not easy.. the twisted thing with this narc is that he actually said to me I will do what you need me to do.. I am willing to do that..you just have to let me know ( I never felt comfortable with this...because I felt , but he had to know I liked the way it was before..we faught enough about it) my gut says he knew exactly what he was doing and loved every moment of it...blaming it on him being busy. sick

#16 Nov 14 - 12AM (Reply to #13)

Gravity

Destiny

It's startling, truly. They really want it to be all about THEM THEM THEM. His control techniques worked for a while because I wouldnt make plans around that time because I knew I'd be talking to him. He was like clock work. If I didn't hear from him by 5:43 ON THE DOT I swear to God like clock work, I'd hear from him by 10:30. He's also very into "the 30's" meaning whenever I hear from him it always seems to be at EXACTLY 11:30 etc. It's like he waits until that second to contact me. My gut says he knew what he was doing also. Ugh the more I think about him the more I get the heebie jeebies. These guys give me the creeps! Don't they have anything better to do with their time? Anndd the answer to that is No, no they do not. *sigh*

#17 Nov 14 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

destiny (not verified)

mine was exactly on the 30's

mine was exactly on the 30's too...so freakish!! and also liked 1245 on the weekends... oddness. he had me trained to watch the time.. and get anxious if i was on a call with someonelse.... i had to hurry up and end the call etc. or often not take the call to begin with. only for him to go into too busy mode...and me regret all those times I made time for him. no they dont have anything better to do they have to fill the bottomless pit they call a soul.

#18 Nov 14 - 12AM (Reply to #11)

Syren66 (not verified)

For those who have never been

For those who have never been in a relationship with a psychopath, the movie was meh. For those of us who survived one, the movie is BRILLIANT...we "get it".

#19 Nov 13 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

ReclaimingPower

Wow

Wow, that's what my N did. At 10 pm, he'd say "ooh that's my daughter, I've got to take this." I was so naive...

#20 Nov 13 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Gravity

ReclaimingPower

I'm obsessed with this quote by Anais Nin that is "We don't see things as they are, we see things as WE are." You didn't suspect him of doing anything sketchy because YOU'D never do anything sketchy. Something like that would never even cross our minds! The good thing is now we know and we will neeeeveer ever let that happen again!

#21 Nov 13 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

Anari

That's a great quote and it

That's a great quote and it makes perfect sense. I live with integrity and hate hurting others whic is hy I thought he'd be the same!

#22 Nov 13 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

ReclaimingPower

AMEN

SO TRUE! And the ironic thing is he would go on and on about how much integrity he had. He said he wasn't even on any dating sites, and when I had a hunch and found him on them, his dating site name had the word Integrity in it! Not only that, the write up spoke about how he was looking for someone honest, and responsible and how he was warm and giving and affectionate....all the things that he wasn't. Classic projection. The more reading I do, the more amazed I am at everything. I go back to the first night and can see how he even shifted some of the conversation when I thought he said something odd. Much smarter now; so know what to look for. Just want this so behind me. And I really don't like the feeling of looking over my shoulder knowing he is coming back.... He is so full of himself and thinks I am just angry and need time. Indifference is my greatest defense, but I'm working on that muscle day and night to be ready. I hear that Rocky music playing....

#23 Nov 13 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Gravity

I am totally with you. There

I am totally with you. There are some days when I definitely get VERY angry because he seems to have gotten everything he wanted..he got to go back to his ex when I finally stood up for myself when he had put me through HELL and there was talk of getting police involved. Then I remember how easy it would be for ME to do the same thing. I could have lied to my ex boyfriend and kept him on a string but I didn't.. because I have a conscience and I told him the truth.. that I was seeing someone else when I met the psycho. It'd be easy (if not EASIER) for us to have all sorts of "supply" we're all intelligent, beautiful, women and we could lead guys around and lie to them in order to feel good about ourselves. But A) we don't need that.. because we've taken the time to get our strength from within and B) we would be uncomfortable living our lives by a lie. We would be uncomfortable if people loved us for a pretend image. What a sorry miserable life to feel like no one knows the real you, including you. Tha'ts why they can't be alone.. they get their entire identities from the outside world. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall!" and the only Disney character that used that quote was EVIL!

#24 Nov 13 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

empath

our biggest "mistake"

Our biggest mistake...which the N fully exploits...is in our false assumption that they think as we do. They most certainly do not think as we do! They are disorded, and they cause others to be disoriented.

#25 Nov 13 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

ReclaimingPower

They say...

...evil does not walk into a room wearing horns and a tail. It is insidious and charming. I also believe in most cases evil is made, not born. I think the N I was involved with may have been abused in childhood by an uncle by some redirected conversations he shared (a friend of a friend) to gage my reaction. But even so, he would often ask me if something he said or did had hurt me almost eagerly hoping it did and it would catch me off guard cause I would question if I was losing my mind. But as I look back, there were many instances where he created uncomfortable situations where we were out that caused unnecessary drama and he thoroughly enjoyed it. And yet, I sit here now and STILL question why I stayed. I did walk out a couple of times, but let him come get me and pull me back in. I'm smarter now; I know what this is. I won't let it happen again. NC - 7 weeks.

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