All Good Things about NC- No Contact-- it will come to those who stay the course.

53 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 3 - 10PM

baddream

All Good Things about NC- No Contact-- it will come to those who stay the course.

I was taking a walk today and just enjoying the day. Along the way I started to think about all the good things that have happened over the last several months-- none of which would have been possible had I not gone No Contact 15 months ago.

I thought it would be a good exercise to list all the good things we gain from NC. I'll start. Please feel free to add to the list.

1. I never have to listen to his BS -- ever again.

2. I do not have to think about what is going on in HIS head all the time.

3. I do not have to wonder why he does not call or text

4. I do not have to wonder where he is and who he is with when not with me. I do not need to think about him with his OW.

5. I do not have to be the "ladder for his life" anymore. He can no longer count on me to do all his crap for him

6. My life is MY life. I have so much energy now to use on ME

7. I am no longer enabling him. I am no longer his supply.

8. I am no longer denying the truth to myself when my gut was telling me all the time lies, lies and more lies..

9. I no longer hate myself for allowing him to lie, manipulate and abuse me.

10. I am no longer waiting for validation that will not come.

11. I have kicked my addiction to this unworthy slime!

12. When I wake up in the morning, I no longer think about him. I get up and start my day, and get sooooo much done.

13. I am no longer sad, lonely and waiting for him to give me attention.

14. I am no longer anxiety ridden, afraid to critisize him, waiting for the next d&d and silent treatment.

15. I am free of him at last!!

16. I feel SO strong and so totally in control!

Stick it out and you WILL eventually feel all these things.

#2 Sep 5 - 6PM

truthseeker

All Good Things about NC

today is the 1st day in a VERY LONG TIME I felt light after reading these. 1st weekend I've smiled. I am so busy at work I don't have time to think about it,but weekends are terminal. I've isolated for a very long time too ashamed to share with anyone what I had been going through.with that being said... No more having to be asked what I ate. No more having to hear about how bad business was. And best for last no more having to lie and say I want you in me now, because the oral was so bad I couldn't stand it!

#3 Sep 2 - 9AM

Lisa E. Scott

xo

#4 Aug 6 - 8PM

Susan32

How boring he was

My ex-Psychopath professor liked fabricating stories about summer vacations spent in Europe. He could wax poetic... about places he's probably never been. As one of my friends put it "He spent his summer staying home and reading books." As exciting as he got was when he was making stuff up. However, when it comes to brass tacks, he was REALLY BORING as philosophers go. He never said anything thought-provoking or creative. Complex thought was beyond his ability. He was good at repeating other people's ideas, but he never came up with ANYTHING original. So much for the reasoning compensating for the lack of emotions. He lacked a heart... and a mind as well. His line "I am going to talk about 2 books" was one of his most-mocked lines freshman year. Duh. His lecture was about two different books. I don't miss how boring he was.

#5 Aug 6 - 9PM (Reply to #49)

moonshine

mine..

my N did the same. He does not have a brain of his own. If some one says they like it...he will start liking it or doing it. Now that we live in the age of internet..he gets info from internet and just repeats it. Quick and easy. Nothing original. He mimics everything. I was new to his culture and hence everything was new to me when i was with him ..hence stuck around. He was never able to answer my questions about life in any adult conversation. He would say "you are asking too many questions...i dont know the answers...and hence we should not be together"...... the only thing they are good at is processing different scenarios on how to bring us down....i cant even comprehend how a human mind can do that......no wonder he lost his hair fast.

#6 Aug 7 - 6PM (Reply to #50)

Susan32

Asking too many questions

At my college (and most colleges/universities), there's Q&A with the professor after the lecture. My ex-P was the ONLY one who ever got outraged at answering questions. Period. Total freak-out. If the questions weren't factual and he couldn't directly quote the text, he got frustrated. And it showed. He wanted to end it ASAP. When he was asked "why" questions or for his beliefs/opinions, his frustration was evident. The lack of originality is what sets the psychopath apart. (Narcs can be good mimics) Temple Grandin and Ludwig Wittgenstein have autism. The real man on whom "The Soloist" (the movie with Robert Downey Jr and Jamie Foxx) is based, and John Nash of "A Beautiful Mind" were schizophrenics. They have creativity, in spite of their handicaps. But my ex-P lacks creativity. Living with that would've been profoundly frustrating. There's nothing more pathetic than a philosopher who lacks original thoughts, can't stand questions, can't think outside the box, and can't take criticism.

#7 Aug 6 - 2PM

Lim

NC List

No more listening to the far fetched porn stories he would tell while we were having sex...always of him having s*x with someone else while I watched or a threesome. Sometimes the stories seemed so real, I wondered if they happened...and they probably did! No more listening to his stupid sport stories and how he just loves being a coach and the high he gets when he runs out on the field or court. He thinks all of the parents are looking at him, when all they care to see is their kid. Grow the f*ck up. This isn't high school anymore you idiot. No more watching him pull up his t-shirt on the court or field to show his gut and rubbing it. Trust me honey, we women want six pack abs. Not your ugly buddha belly. No more watching him pout like a baby when he doesn't get his way...making me feel guilty that I didn't succumb. He once told me if he had to change anything about me, it would be my feet (I wear a size 10 and they are very well pedicured). I looked at him and said, "well your toenails are so large, we could plaster a billboard on them!" Then I added, "have you looked at your wife's feet? they are pretty f*cking ugly, too." Apparently that wasn't a prerequisite when he conned her into marrying him.

#8 Aug 5 - 8PM

Susan32

A thousand million miracles happen every day

Okay, my post is named for a song from Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Flower Drum Song." 1)No more worrying about what he's saying about me 2)No more fear of criticizing his essays, lest he lash out 3)No more worrying about laughing in his presence... and being bashed for it 4)I can laugh AT HIM without fear of the Narc rage 5)I can finally laugh at him stealing one of my lousy philosophical ideas without feeling pained by it--I guess my idea using "War and Peace" REALLY appealed to his pretentiousness 6)No more blank looks when I'm talking 7)No more sounding bored when I'm happy 8)No more of him and his ennui and his beret--and he is NOT FRENCH!!!!

#9 Aug 5 - 7PM

almostlydia

all the above minus the

all the above minus the dentures and the meat plus: being able to plan vacations with my children without the fear that my absence was always easy fu*k time with the OP's. Never going out again and watching that leering demanding look at other women. Never going out again and wondering if he just made a hook up with the gay guys there. Never going places and getting terrible vibes wondering what awful lies he had told these people about me.

almostlydia

#10 Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #44)

helldweller

almostlydia

Oh, my gosh. Yes. You reminded me about going places and having the feeling that everyone he knew hated you for some reason. No one freaking hates me! But when we'd rarely, rarely go to a party or something, it would be like ice, polite conversation, and then, "Oh, would you excuse me?" to get away from me. It was unbelievable, too, because wherever we'd go it was me who brought the birthday presents, the cards, the wedding gifts and cash, the wine, the food, whatever. I'd put it into his hands before we got to the door, too, so everyone saw it coming from him. And then he would bad mouth everyone after the party. But they LOVVVVED him. I can't even imagine what he said about me. Yet another thing that makes me crazy. I think the main thing was that he likely always told people I was too busy to come to these events, or that I had something else to do, making it seem like I was a bitch and didn't care about him or them. Very helpful image to plant in people's minds. If only they knew that every time I wasn't there I was home crying because I didn't know where he was, was alone, or was otherwise uninvited.

#11 Aug 9 - 1AM (Reply to #45)

almostlydia

helldweller

It was a horrible feeling. No one ever hated me either, not after spending 5 minutes with me. It made me lower my head in an insecure and beaten down way that was never me. It was so awful. I hadn't felt so insecure since middle school. Then a funny thing happened last time we reconciled and were at one of his clients' Xmas party. I was still feeling pretty self conscience for the same reasons as always, then a group of his clients that had all known me for a year or more came up to me and very quietly told me how happy they were that I was back in his life. It was sooooo odd. The only thing I could figure was that his secret life with the 'boy friend' had been exposed in some way and they were so happy he was on the straight and narrow again. I was gone for good 3 wks later after the 'boyfriend' showed up at the N's Xmas party uninvited and our perfect little world changed abruptly. All of a sudden we HAD to go to the day spa where 9 out 10 guys coming out of the locker room were gay. Go Figure. But at least I knew that they knew who the sane one was here. And that made all the difference. Also, just a few days ago, a friend who is one of his clients altho not so regular anymore, told me that she had run into another of his clients recently who made the statement 'he just lies about everything doesn't he'. So eventually, the truth prevails. I just hope to be around to hear about it.

almostlydia

#12 Aug 5 - 3PM

baddream

You are all

Great, smart, witty, strong (getting stronger by the day!) and wonderful! No matter where you are in the process-- whether you are just starting on your NC journey, struggling and on your way, or have been for a long time-- you are enlightened now and understand the power you have/will have when he is gone, gone and gone forever from your life! All I need to do is read all these comments and I feel better and better each time. So happy he is gone! So happy you are getting rid of yours too..There are so many similarities in what we have all been through. It is wonderful to be able to share our struggles and likewise-- our joy, when we reject the slimy, scummy sick N and close the door and padlock it forever.

#13 Aug 5 - 1PM

Steph

I don't have to guess what

I don't have to guess what is on his mind anymore. I don't have to feel desperate for his approval. I don't have to take his little "jokes" that hurt my feelings. I don't have to worry about what would please him. I don't have to prove that my job is just as important as is. I don't have to account for my every minute. I don't have to feel embarrassed by his arrogance around my friends and family. I don't have to worry about having the cops called on me for crying. Most of all, I don't have to listen to his CONSTANT complaining about something, his constant need for an ego boost, his overall negativity that sucked the life out of me. Good Riddance!!!

#14 Aug 5 - 2AM

happydaysahead

Yep......

NO MORE MINDF*CKING !! I mean, my N was good. HE would blame me for cheating (and we all know the answer to that, he was) but he would project in onto me and I would even sit back and think, damn DID I cheat on him ?? LOL I never did, but that's how good he was at the mind games !! :) One I could add and it may be here and I have NO idea what number it would be is: Me leaving the house and getting that sick feeling in my stomach when I would come home wondering if he was still gonna be here or if he was gonna pull another disappearing act !! Looking for his car to be in the driveway and feeling relieved when it was still here. NOT ANYMORE !! Now, I get to park in my OWN driveway, not out on the street !! And I can come and go whenever I want, no more fitting it into HIS schedule !!

#15 Sep 4 - 1PM (Reply to #40)

sweetsamm

LMAO

i'm lmao right now,mine would always accuse me of cheating too...and i did the same thing as you and started wondering if i did....lol.....calling me a whore and thinking am i? and yes,it was projection...and P.S. if i'm a whore,i really suck at it,cuz i haven't had any action in a looooong time!

#16 Aug 6 - 5PM (Reply to #39)

girlfriday

the mindf**k

It really is a trip how someone can get you to doubt your own reality. You really do start to believe you might have a mental illness. Scary.

#17 Aug 5 - 1AM

girlfriday

Congratulations, Baddream. I

Congratulations, Baddream. I can feel your strength and freedom in that list and it is inspiring. I want to be reciting that same list soon and I would add: 18.I never have to wonder if what he just said/did was a mindf**k. Because it seems that's all I have done for the past year and three months to the day. What a freaking waste of time and energy. Wow.

#18 Aug 4 - 5PM

imabloke

Silence is our BIGGEST ally....

On thing my now, ex, gave me as a piece of advice and as a lawyer.. She said - "silence is a bloody good ally" - well rather odd that i'm now using the very same advice. Now i've had no contact whatsoever, not even thro her friends, for over 7 weeks. Its hard sometimes, but i know it's worth it. Good bit of NC advice here: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-contact-rule-46556.html

#19 Aug 4 - 4PM

janine

No more routine sex

while watching the TV and switching channels with one hand! No more abuse of my body and mind knowing he's thinking of what other supply he is after while being too bloody stupid/weird/lazy to get them and too stingy to pay someone. No more sexual need instead of passion. Ha, no more sex EVER with him! Let's all go and open a bottle of champagne to celebrate.....

#20 Aug 6 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

drivencrazyinflorida

Love it! I'm with you!

My ex so grossed me out sexually with his deviant desires and demands that I don't know if I will ever enjoy sex again. But I can recover myself and my dignity. Let's toast to that!

#21 Aug 7 - 9AM (Reply to #30)

wholeagain

Driven

I hear you and I'll toast to that! I used to know a woman who was a sex worker and she said every other sex worker she knows has the most vanilla personal sex life imaginable. It'll take me a while to sort through what I lived for so long but am at least to the point where I feel like I can come to some peace about it. You will too I bet, it just takes timetimetime.

#22 Aug 7 - 9AM (Reply to #31)

almostlydia

I hope when I do find

I hope when I do find somebody and have sex again they are good at it because damn I deserve it. I had to work so hard for so long just to get mine and most of the time I never did. It's scary to think about. I've had a few opportunities but I just couldn't do it. Maybe because I've already had the equivalent of 10 yrs of one night stands and enough is enough.

almostlydia

#23 Aug 7 - 11AM (Reply to #32)

wholeagain

I knew

the man I'm with 2.5 years before we even kissed. I know what you mean about x years of one-night stands--impersonal, porn-style sex where there's no connect except for body parts or sex toys. I feel way more exposed and vulnerable being with a normal man who really loves me and wants that connection than I did with the ex. I suppose I acted as though I was a sex worker for all those years.

#24 Aug 7 - 11AM (Reply to #33)

almostlydia

Quite often I figured he

Quite often I figured he ought to have left a hundred on the nightstand before he left:) I did get quite good tho so the next man is going to EVENTUALLY be a very happy camper.

almostlydia

#25 Aug 7 - 12PM (Reply to #34)

wholeagain

I found

that much of the skillz I learned flew out the window when I was with someone who wanted it to be about love as well as the physical act. Weird huh? Like if I did some of those same things I'd be little more than a performing monkey. I guess I need to learn to integrate! The ex had a fantasy about leaving money for me after a night of me being his "hot slut".

#26 Aug 7 - 2PM (Reply to #35)

almostlydia

Funny how they only

Funny how they only fantasize about it when it comes to parting with the cash:) Maybe a little integrate but not really. I mostly refused to be the performing monkey because I knew he already had plenty of them. I worked very hard, and in vain, to show him the difference between fu*king and making love because it seemed to me that by 40 you ought to at least have some idea. This was long before I knew that he would never really know. In the process it made me a much more giving and intimate love maker than I had ever bothered to be before. Probably had a lot to do with the fact that I loved him so deeply at the time too. Course now I get that in all the text that keep coming - 'You're the only one I ever made love to'. Yea, right.

almostlydia

#27 Aug 4 - 12PM

NoNarcingZone

No Mas!

No more... 1. Motivating someone who has no true intention of moving up higher in rank. He reports to guys who entered the military after him & are 10-12 yrs younger. Sad & embarassing. 2. Systematic sex or pretending his oral sex was so mind-blowing. Dude, a tongue is a tongue! He used it for lying & licking. Yawn! 3. Watching him PRETEND to love my baby. He's void of emotions. I loathe him for this! 4. Searching for my missing belongings - not knowing they'd been thrown away. 5. Arguing over MY future infidelity. He swore that if our marriage ended, it would be b/c I was unfaithful. Projection. He was the guilty party. p.s. It ended b/c that M_F_r is NUTS!!! 6. Questioning his behavior - odd as it were. Finally, no more silencing my SALSA music/dancing because he hates it! Better than that devil-worshipping sh*t he blares. Wepa! I'll end my list there (it could be longer!). Thanks for this post 'baddream'. I'm THANKFUL for much more...NO MORE HIM! LOL

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

#28 Aug 4 - 9AM

wholeagain

no more

listening to him way overshare details of our sex life with just about anyone, or seeing him troll for sympathy on Facebook no more seeing that weird lizardy half-sneer that I think he thought was his sexy look no more watching him drink two bottles of wine while he listened to sad, sad songs, intermittently weeping in the most theatrical way. Often playing the same song overandoverandoverandover no more watching him move his dentures around in his mouth, presumably cleaning underneath them with his tongue. Get a tube of Seabond for gawd's sake! no more trying to deal with his 1000th course change in our business because he has some great new partnership with a new bff that was going to be "so great"! no more trying to figure out what was the lie and what was the truth no more listening to him talk about the cult he wants to start (seriously) no more hearing him idolize then devalue everyone he knows no more hearing him tell some young thing how much they have in common (like, we both live on planet earth?) no more looking at his outfit and thinking seriously, you must be gay I can take a nap in peace and quiet. He was very noisy, and he made the dog very noisy. I can cook with meat. It was probably good to live a largely veggie lifestyle for all those years but I missed cooking with meat. I drink less. I was so stressed around him or being in any kind of contact with him that I was drinking way too much (and that was the only way I could have sex with him). Over the last year I've cut back and back and back--no longer feel the need to numb out. I can dress the way I want, wear my hair the way I want, color my hair the way I want, wear makeup or not without fear of being judged. I have blissful amounts of time to myself. I don't have to host another FABULOUS party, ever, if I don't want to. No more hiding in my closet during parties because my introverted brain is overstimulated. No more social striving. I am beginning to listen to, and trust, my intuition again. My brain and my heart are my own now.

#29 Aug 5 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

"I can cook with meat"

Wow! I get that one! In that case, it's that I can eat meat without him telling mad cow disease jokes. He's no longer around to parade his supposed moral superiority as a vegetarian. I cook and eat meat... I don't have to get vegetarian lunches to please him. Thank goodness. Besides, I've been making hot dogs lately. It's summer, isn't it?

#30 Aug 5 - 6PM (Reply to #25)

RandomGal

lol weird lizardly

lol weird lizardly half-sneer you thought was sexy!!! thats funny...x

#31 Aug 5 - 10AM (Reply to #24)

NoNarcingZone

OMG Wholeagain...

The dentures...the (gay) outfits...starting a cult (funny, but NOT!) Your N has trump'd many. Oh, the visual! UGH. Seabond! ROTFLMAO!! You must truly feel 'whole again' after that experience. Stay strong lady. =)

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews