I really want to tell my story. But its a long one.

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#1 Jun 23 - 3PM
Erica
Erica's picture

I really want to tell my story. But its a long one.

Im Erica, 32 years old from the Netherlands.
I think my ex is narcissistic. Very early on in the relationship I noticed he was very intense. Wanted things to move forward quickly, like meeting my daughter, meeting my relatives and friends. He was always near me, protecting me, showering me with all his attention. He is a goodlooking man, younger than me. I thought i was so lucky he was into me. But soon enough he started telling me i need to cut people out of my life that werent real friends. I knew on some level he was right about them. I'll get back on that later. He was telling me i had to stop giving people so much, stop listening to others so much, don't drink too much, i thought it was cute, he really cared about me. Then he started to get annoyed with how much things im forgetting, my memory isnt that great. He started to get annoyed with how stubborn i am. Im a lot of work to convince before i give in. I saw him lash out to people for the smallest jokes ( later on he turned to me ) also he gets embarred easily, for example when i talked too much in front of other people about him or made stupid jokes. But when his friends were around he talked about our sexlife and didnt understand it was embaressing to me. Or when he was angry with me he talked to me like i was a kid, almost couldnt get a word in. Only when i had to answer a question he asked and it better be the right answer of he would go on and on about it until i gave in. He didnt care if we were having company or not.
Thats when i started to realize something wasnt right, but al his good qualities were still there so i choose to just live with it.

6 years ago i was having a big depression which resulted in having my daughter to move in with her father. My money problems were getting bigger and in the end lost my home.
I seeked help and i went to a shelter. At 8 am you go outside and at 5 pm you can return.
I was there for a few months when i started to drink alcohol to get through the days. I had been used by some people there for money, i had been raped, i was going into the wrong direction. It was a hard time, i still saw my daughter in the weekends. I lived for that. Nobody knew i was in a shelter except for a few people.

I think a month of me going into the wrong direction my ex came to this shelter too. Right next to mine. We started to become friends. He was funny, relaxed, minding his own bussiness. Just nice company. After a few weeks we suddenly kissed and it al started.

He was protecting me from the bad people there, telling me to not spend money on them. I even made a mistake of lending a drug user some money and he got it back for me. At first i didnt want to listen but eventually i started to trust him completely.
It was all for my own good right?
We were always together, he was my light in a dark place and i think i was his. The one positive thing in this negative situation. He was telling everybody i was just perfect for him.

But as i told you soon enough the first cracks came. I was perfect if i just wasnt so stubborn. I was perfect if i just wasnt so naive. Etc etc.

He had no job at this point and no money. I provided food. Sometimes paid for a hotelroom. Anything we did i paid for. I work at a secondhand clothing store and brought home clothes and shoes for him because he had only what he was wearing. And he was so thankfull. Soon enough i let him come see my daughter too.
She never liked him. He was too pushy with her. Wanting to hug and kiss almost immidiatly.
After a few times i brought him he was nagging to her and saying she doesnt like me and im leaving. She was there and apologized so he would cheer up. When she did something wrong he was like he was with me. Her sorries werent good enough, they didnt sound sincere or she wasnt looking into his eyes. After that we took a break with her and him.

We started to fight almost everyday, it kinda was always that he was annoyed by something i did. I talked too loud, walked to slow, said something stupid, be too emotional.
At one point he drove me crazy, the first time he dumped my ass, he was talking and talking and talking as we were walking outside. Going on and on. I tried to get away from him and he said if you walk away you can stay away. I was mortified and walked away. He followed me. Then walks away then come back. And then he said something about my daughter and i snapped.
I kicked him in the shin and pushed him away. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Then he walked away and i followed him. I knew i did something very wrong and i had to make it right. I apologized. Talked to him and he forgave me.

This was the beginning of the physical abuse. In a lot of fights between us he grabbed me, stopped me from leaving. Threathening to leave me. Telling me im a whore. He was telling me he saved me from alcoholism. And i was just as bad as him sometimes. I scratched him a lot. I couldnt control myself either. But he was always very sorry when these things happened and blamed it on the people around us or the stress of being homeless.

He started to block my messages in fights but we were staying at the same place so that never lasted longer than a day.
He got a job so i figured his money stress would became less. We started going to hotelrooms once a month and now we both paid. We were also not always together and actually it was better for a while.

But not for long. So many times we had talks about touching each other in fights and i actually did change. And he did also. But then every now and then he now would go completely insane. He would just torture me. I couldnt leave or he would punch me. And he would make the move and stop right before my face. He dragged me over the ground. Took my stuff from me. And almost immidiatly came with regrets.
But in fights he told me i was the one who kicked him first do i deserved it.

This came back more and more often. Im not an easy person. I make mistakes. Im inpulsive. Sometimes i go crazy in a fight. When someone stops me from leaving i go nuts too. I been pushing again my nails in his arm.
And i knew it was wrong. So when he told me it was all me i believed it. Even though i had never been in these kind of fights with any other ex. I tried to change bit somehow there was always something else or i didnt change enough.
At first he praised me for it. But the he said he couldnt take it anynore to be with me. I begged him to stay. He said im a toxic person, i bring out the worst in him. And i told him i will change more.

I think it was about 6 months into the relationship i got an appartment. And when he wasnt working he stayed at my place. We were away from the bad people. We could finally relax. Stay inside. Sleep together. And it was going great.
But again not for long. I made him dinner, snacks. I wanted to take care for him now. And in return he was very generous with money. He always gave me money to pick up my daughter. He buyed me food. Because now i had to pay rent i couldnt pay for things like before.
I let him back into my daughters life and 1 day later it escalated between me and him. A huge fight. And i already regretted taking that step. But he was so serious with me. He missed her. He wanted to take care for us and marry and have children of our own. I think i wanted it so badly to be true and i thought i had the one back i met in the beginning.

In fights he wouldnt leave. I couldnt get him out of my house. And when i wanted to leave he wouldnt let me go. And not in a begging way with tears. But just forcing me. If i would fight back he said i would be beaten.
So many times i just layed under the blankets and listen to his insults for hours and hours. Just undergoing it.
Until i gave him the apology he wanted. He said i just didnt own up to what i did. That i twist his words. I was so stubborn. A liar.
I started to say sorry a lot more, but that lost his effect after a while.
When i cried i was too emotional. He even Threathed to hit me if i didnt stop it. When i ignored it i was cold. Didnt care about him. One time he forced me onto the bed and started chocking me for a second. He now pushed harder so i would fall onto furniature. He grabbed me so hard my boobs were often blue or my belly or arms.
I stopped being violent, sometimes fight back like the time he chocked me.
But i figured he is a lot stronger. I will only make things worse.

I was living there for a month (it wasnt my own appartment, it was thanks to the shelter. There were rules like no one stays the night. Just me) he came to me and said they sent him away for a few days. He was treated badly there and he yelled and called this guy names. He said he didnt want to go back.
I told him he could move in with me for a few weeks so he could save money to rent something on his own. He was very happy with my offer and moved in.
After a few weeks someone suspected he stayed with me and i lied he spent one night. I got a warning. After two warnings i would have to move to a place with security and he off course couldnt live there with me. He was angry with me.i should have never been so stupid to confess. I already pulled jokes on him with seeing my ex (who is a very good friend and he told me it was fine at first) i brought a lot of drama into our lives with seeing the wrong people. Trusting the wrong people. All i brought was drama. And he was just working and working and working to feed 3 mouths. I should be more gratefull i have him. All i do is nag. Its like he never lets go of anything.
I was doing nothing for him except giving him headaches. I got into defense and said i bring home clothes from work. He replies ita old crap. An ex gave him new expensive shoes. And im telling him i just dont have the money. Or im telling him i cook dinner. Wash his clothes. I do that out of love. But it was just my job to do so after he worked so hard and who paid most for groceries anyway.
At this point it goes so bad im walking on eggshells not to piss him of. Everytime im in a bad mood he can handle it for 5 minutes. Or when im angry at him he decides its been enough and gets angry at me for it.

Offcouse while he was living with me he was also seeing my daughter. He promised never snap in front of her.
One saturday im on my way to her and he is messaging about how i took the charger with me and the others dont work well on his phone. I said im sorry. Ill be back soon. Relax. But he went on and on how much i only think about myself, about how self centered i am. On and on and on. And then blocks me. Before i was home he unblocks and im telling him that i would really like him to be gone when i come home because i have my daughter with me and i want to have a fun day and im scared we get into a fight. I also messaged i bought him a new charger but he didnt want it. We came home and i told my daughter we were just going to get some stuff and leave if he is still there because he is in a bad mood. As im inside i ask him if he had seen something, dont remember what anymore. I seen him with it a day before and i say this. He snapped into rage. Im accusing him of having it. He goes on and on again. But now to my daughter. Telling her how terrible i am. How nobody can love me. She better stays with her dad. Im raising my voice and said you leave now. And as my daughter was crying i was telling her its the last time she sees him. He was getting all his stuff but was not hurrying at all. It took him very long. Meanwhile still rambling on. He took all the food i had. The money he gave me (in the beginning he was generous but he gave less and less and still acted like he was the hero in our lives. Our provider)
When he finally got to the door i did something i regret to this day. I slammed the door as he walked out in an attempt to get out my anger.
His foot was still there....he tries getting back in pushing the door open and jumped on me. His fists hitting my head and i bit him. His nose was bleeding. Neighbours came. My daughter was very upset. Never wanting to see him ever again. I had to bring her to her grandpa because she didnt want to be in my house.
I was sure this was the end of everything.

The shame i felt, the guilt. I shouldve kept it in. Im so stupid for hanging on to the idea this could still turn into a picture perfect relationship. It killed me. And also the hurt of that fight. It is really over.
That night he came to me asking me for blankets. He was staying at a friends house. I agreed. He was very remorsefull. I felt guilty about his nose so i told him i was very sorry. He cried, brought me food. Cried some more. And he left.
I think a couple of days later he was still sorry. We talked. How can we destroy each other when we love each other so much. And as i write this i feel like the biggest moron and the worst mom. We talked about seeing where this goes. And he came back because he still didnt have a place of his own. He was gone in the weekends when my daughter was visiting.

He never really looked for rooms to rent. I was the one doing that. Sending him phonenumbers, screenshots of places to rent but he didnt call. Sometimes he told me to stop sending these things because i know he doesnt have money. He was working, smoking weed with his friend when he wasnt, or gaming.

At one point my brother said he needed help. He had to leave his appartment but had money to rent a new one. I said he could stay with me for a little bit too. My ex was at first understanding but got annoyed with him. He was too loud was his biggest complaint. He was right. So i figured my brother got money, im helping him find a place before it escalates. Every number i gave him he called. Within a week i found a room to rent. There were two rooms to rent at the same place so my ex was interested too. I didnt like the idea of him living with my brother and also not of him living with another girl. (I was jealous.) But after a talk i said ok sure. Im being silly. Go for it.
But he still didnt have the money he said but maybe he can pay later (he was expecting money back from taxes).
My brother made an appointment for the next day and found out these two rooms were very small and were only for one person. I told my ex. He was quiet, wanted to be alone and went into the bathroom. He was rejecting me when i wanted to hug him. When my brother came he said he felt bad and wanted my ex to have the rooms. I told him he was in the bathroom feeling annoyed. He heard that and got mad. He didnt want the rooms anymore and my brother should take them.
My brother left after that for a little bit to come back later to sleep.
When my ex and me were alone he got mad at me for talking bad about him. He left in a rage and when he came back he just ignored me. I didnt say anything to him either. When my brother came back there was a huge tension and when he mentioned the rooms a few times my ex got annoyed. I understand. He went into the bedroom.
My ex was on his phone all the time but he left his phone with me. And for the first time i checked his messages.

In the beginning he was so focussed on me he blocked every female. I didnt ask him to. But he told me. There was this one girl, a friend, who was into him. They kissed. But he told me he didnt want her. So he blocked her.
I on the other hand had an ex who became a friend. And at first he let me see him. But then this ex started flirting and i told my ex. I had to block him.
I did but after a while he called and apologized. I wasnt even talking to him but from time to time i asked him how he is doing because he is in a long depression. I told my ex and he was furious so i deleted that friends number.
Bit he said he will unblock that girl again.

I had a talk with him maybe two weeks before i looked into his phone. I mentioned her and he didnt even know who i meant. He was like omg. That really bothers you. You're silly i already forgot about her.
But when i looked i saw her name above one of his chats.
( i was actually looking if i could find something he said about me to a friend)
I was shocked. Heartbroken even. He wasnt flirting back but still i felt like i was being lied to. He couldnt remember her two weeks ago.

I told him to fucking go to her. Leave now! In the middle of the night. I hated him i screamed. And as he was leaving i threw his stuff down the stairs. My ex tried to calm me down being on top of me. Holding me. my brother saw this and got in the middle and punched my ex. My ex let him. And he left.

The next day my ex told me he was done with me. My brother moved into the rooms and it was all my fault. I didnt want him there with another girl in the first place. I said you didnt have the money to pay her also. But he said this week it was coming. I alway help other people but never him.
He also didnt want me back if my brother wouldnt apologize. I told him i cant force my brother to do so.but i asked my brother 5 times to please do so.
He didnt want to, he said this guy is ruining your life. Look at how easily he gets angry at you. And i said it was the stress.

We ofcourse came back together. I got my second warning so i had to move myself. My ex stayed with his friend and after a few weeks found himself a place. By this time its all my fault.
If he didnt invest so much in me he would have a place of his own a long time ago. He would have gotten his drivers license. That i took him in was a selfish act. Just for the money. He wasnt going to give me any more. I had to prove i love him. He got meaner and meaner. I took away my daughter from him.when i know his past with his dad. How could i? I fuck up everything. Im not thankfull. Who was there for me besides him? I mean my best friend i had to let go because i told him she didnt like how he treats me. He said i told her lies. And im saying no..i tell her what i do wrong too. Then she s just as stupid as you are. And a whore. A bitch.
I got tired of fights like this and didnt stay in touch with her.
I was always with him. Or talking to him. Yes you were there for me i said. Im sorry. I do really love you for that.

He moved to another city. The friend he stayed at he got rid of. He was just after money he said, no backbone. Just like me.
Every once in a while he still gave me money. If i needed it i took it. Made sure to thank him. When i didnt need it or after a fight i refused to take it. But then he wouldnt take no for an answer. And ofcourse next fight it was used against me.
At his place he sent me away half the time i spent there. It was payback for the times i sent him away. Just like the beating. He feels justified. I once told him after a lot of humiliating to shut his ugly face. Since then he is saying the worst things about my appearance. Things i am unsecure about. I told him my insecurities and it got worse and worse. Its always payback. I start something and he makes it go out of control. Every fight my every mistake in his eyes i hear back and he wont let me talk or explain. No. The only thing i am allowed to do is agree. And i did.he started saying i put him in a cage. There was always a fight when he would go somewhere. And i get to see my daughter every week and he is always home. He changed his life for me. He made all the sacrifices. The list goes on and on.
I told him i was a little jealous he always did something with other people but we were always at home and there wasnt money for fun things when i wanted to do something. I told him we can go to the park. Or beach. What ever. But he still kept holding on to his point of view.

Now comes the last part. The part where i started lying i didnt see him anymore.
There was a fight. And the funny thing is everytime he was done with me i was sent away so easily bit when i wanted to end thing the crying came, the begging, holding me.
I said im done. Im leaving. He wouldnt let me go. He pushed me onto the bed. Every time i got up he pushed me back. Took my blankets. Gave me little slaps to my head. Was rudely touching private parts. I couldnt take it anymore.i tried to get up and he chocked me for real when he let go I said im leaving. I dont care. I hate you. And i never been scared of him up to this point. But he looked me into the eyes with crazy eyes. He said: you like to play games right? Lets play Erica vs 'ex name' en laughed like a crazy person.
His face always changed when he couldnt control himself anymore, but this was different. I screamed HELP! HELP! And he got scared and let me go outside. Once there he followed me and didnt leave me alone. He talked for hours to me until i gave up. He was sorry, joking, angry. He didnt mean it. Like the times he said he would kill me or himself if i end the relationship.

Somewhere in my mind i know he is not normal. Like this time he didnt have food. But we agreed, because im a golddigger according to him, we wont take each others money.
I told him he can have some money for food. And he replies in this fake voice: thanks honey, we always share everything. I love you.
Without thinking i replied. Uhuh. He took it like an insult. Im an ungratefull bitch. I still went to his home that night. When i tried to talk to him he told me to stfu. I asked him if he wanted to go get dinner and he wouldnt. Then he sent me home.
Afterwards i get these texts saying i left him without food.

The biggest fight is probably what made me realize he cant love me.
Again after hours of insults and me keeping quiet i told him im going home. And im not coming back. He pushed me onto the bed and as i tried to get away i scratched my nails on him. He was saying i hurt him once again and i told him he deserved it. He took my shoes trying to keep me there.
I said i dont care. Ill go barefoot. And then without any warning i see stars. I feel blood streaming over my face. And he goes into panic mode. Im in shock and as he tells me to let him see my face im telling him to let me go now. His neighbours saw me on the way out. Im walking outside in shock. He follows me. Crying his eyes out. He is sooooooo sorry.i tell him to call for help. An ambulance came and two cops. He was still in panic mode. Kissing me hugging me. I lied to the cops about what happened. And they told me i have to go to the hospital on my own. I will just need some stitches. It was 1:30 am. And my ex asked if i could go alone cause he had to get up early for work. Right after he said this i think he realized this was cruel and he went with me. Telling everybody in the hospital when he sees the person who randomly hit me hes going to kill him. I just stared. Was quiet. Numb. On the way back home he "joked" now we're even. Referring to his nose.
He went on and on about his nose for months until this happened. How i scarred him for life. Nobody sees the scar but him. Mine was fresh. On my eye. Nothing to hide. In bed he promised me never to hurt me again. And all this time i believed him but this time i didnt. I said we'll see. I lied to everyone how i fell down the stairs.
The next day. Over the phone he got annoyed with me. His told me to not nag about my eye. I deserved it. It made my ugly face prettier.

I didnt see him very often after this. Sometimes he popped by after work but we were always fighting. I never felt beautiful after this. He kept using my insecurities against me. My pig face. Disgustimg body, ugly teeth. I should go to fat kamp. Get rid of my mustache (i have pcos, i have to remove hair often).nobody wants me. Only for sex cause im a huge whore

One day I ran into the friend he was staying with for a while. And he was with another friend. I was on my way to get some wine. After being called names over the phone the past couple of days. He asked me how my ex was cause he didnt hear from him anymore. I told him he was stressed. But i couldnt keep it dry when he texted me and i showed his friend the texts that i was recieving. I cried my eyes out. I was done with him at that moment. The other guy there gave me his number.
I went home to talk to my ex. Said i had seen his 'friend' he exploded some more cause i shouldnt have talked to him. I told him a guy gave me his number. I will call him and go out with him if he doesnt stop right now. And he said i should go. So i went. Didnt do anything. Just talked and went to a bar. I went home alone. He did try to kiss me but i didnt.

The next day my ex wanted to make up.i told him i did go to the bar with this guy. He eanted to know exactly where so he could talk to the bouncer. Since then im a whore and i should take every insult. He moved close to me again. I found him a place, he let me stay for 3 nights antil he got annoyed again. But we were have two really nice days. He wanted me to come. I helped him move. And because i wouldnt see him on saturday he wanted me on friday. I drank too much red bull. More than half. I was being selfish. In these three day he said he had forgiven me, we had a lot of sex, we had long and good talks. I showed remorse. I offered everything for him to trust me again. It was ok. Even the red bull thing was resolved quickly. After the weekend i asked to see him. He didnt have time.
He was always the one wanting me to come. Was hurt when i wanted to sleep at home. And now he was more distant. But ive hurt him. I understand. That was 3 weeks aho and i didnt see him again. One day he hated me. The next day he called crying. Or wanting things to work out. Or dumping again. Blocking me again. Last weekend he went to friends. He called me on sunday he really wanted things to work out. I said take your time. I will prove my love for you.

The next day he texted he was going home early from work. He was tired. After a few hours he texted me again. I asked him if i can call him (im not allowed to call without permission) he said no, he is tired. I should know. Later he called me asking me if ive seen his lock cause he can pick up a bike.
When he texted me he found it i replied happy for him and asked him where he got this bike. I shouldve never asked this. I wasnt allowed to show interest. I told him never mind but he wanted to go on. Then i siad fine. Fine made him dump me. Block me. Later that night i tried to call him all he said was fine fine fine. To everything i said.
So sunday you love me. Monday you dont i said. And he said yes. Tuesday i left him alone. Wednesday was my birthday. I was in bed crying. Then he texted me: i told you to stay the fuck away from me creep. He said i was calling him with a private number. I tried to talk, he wouldnt. He said he hated me. This is the end. Insulted me again. Telling me if i called again he would contact my mom. Contact other friends and family. And he did contact my mom. Telling her i was stalking him after everything he done for me and i done to him he didnt want to have anything to do with me anymore. My mom said it was childish. She didnt reply.
I sent his mom a message in rage. She never replied.

The next day he calls me for 3 hours. He only insults me, Threathening to hurt me or my friend and family.
Then he drops the bomb. He was with his friends for the weekend and that girl he blocked and i saw on his phone was there too. They are both single now he said. She got ambitions unlike me, she is an 8 instead of a -2 he send me a pic of her and him there. Im just seeing he wears the 'crappy' clothes i bought him. He sent me a chat between them how they both are looking for the same things in a relationship. He is telling everyone im a psycho. He ordered me to remove his number and chat. I did. But i couldnt leave it. I found his number on my other phone, trying to talk but he just got more angry.
Soon i have a new home, my daughter moves in. And thanks to me he accomplishid nothing. I can only talk to him if i pay him back all the money he spent on me.

Im so hurt. All the times we fought he wasnt this cold. He never was so full of hate. I tried to tell him it was indeed all my fault. But he said it was too late and he hates me. Im sure this time he really doesnt come back. Im going back and forth between strong and weak. He doesnt believe i loved him. He tells me im a whore and after his money. I dragged him diwn while he was building me up

Jun 24 - 7AM
Fearless
Fearless's picture

Erica, take care of you...

FeFe

Jun 23 - 8PM
transcend
transcend's picture

You're right this is very

Transcend

Jun 23 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
Erica
Erica's picture

Thank you for repying

Jun 24 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
transcend
transcend's picture

Addicted feelings

Transcend

Jun 23 - 3PM
Erica
Erica's picture

He also said im the first