Better Now

Last week friends and I were passing through a section of town and went right by the narc's house. I wasn't going to say to the others, not this way. Rather as we passed one of them said: You know he put up those shades just after he broke up with you. I said Oh.

His front door is glass above and wood below. Right next to it is a small picture window. I could always see him in the kitchen as I approached to go inside. He's lived in the same place for 25 years with the windows like that. So putting up the clearly custom made cloth shades was a message: Either he felt he needed more protection or he wanted to signal he wanted me out of his life or both. My bet is they are part of his protecting himself because he's the victim. I bet it's part of his smear campaign against me for calling the police after he abused me. He's so vulnerable that I might see through his windows. ( Like I even go near the place alone)

Then on the weekend there was a gallery showing that I had always enjoyed and was not going to let his presence prohibit me from enjoying it again. I was prepared for any reaction from him from trying to be cordial to herding his new honey away from me the dangerous predator. Surprise! After years of attending and proclaiming his support of local artists he no showed. Whew! I was reminded of him screaming to me that he'd never take his next woman to any place that we had been (since I was a predator)
Again firm proof that he's endangered in my presence. I know some of you will think I'm paranoid or full of myself but I know that man and I know his ways of saying things.

The thing is, previously I would have been very upset. Now 11 months into no contact and not inquiring into who his new honey is, I now see his antics as part of his insanity and smear story. He can't get over himself.

I also wondered for a long time about people saying the relationship you had was not real. I heard it but didn't understand how that could be until now. Thinking back to a year ago I was the happiest I had ever been in the relationship. I now remember his telling me that's because he was enjoying my company and that he was honored (his word) by my trust in him; it was narc speak for never thinking about me in his future life like he led me to believe. It wasn't real; it was a calculated manipulation to have a toy for him to use for his pleasure until he found another toy.

Of course both of those things hurt my feelings, I'm human but I'm not upset. It's sad that after all the time we were together we can't at least be cordial to one another. I recognize however that his alleged felt fear of me , if indeed that's what he feels, is likely rage: a projection onto me that says I'm the one who really does not want to meet him in a dark alley.

Thanks to all of you who for 11 months have helped me to stabilize myself and start seeing the relationship and narc speaks for what they are.