Back and embarrassed!
Back and embarrassed!
I thought I graduated from here; I did all the steps: posted, read, I took care of myself, lost weight, exercised, felt good, felt centered/confident/healthy/whole, felt like I'm ready to date after life and recovery from being with a narc.. I dated, no one I was interested in, until a month ago.
I met him on online dating and instantly we connected; an unbelievably magical connection. I loved the companionship and attention. We texted nonstop (day/night), talked on the phone for hours, had amazing dates and slept together fairly quickly; it was a whirlwind of excitement, I was literally swept off my feet and in a constant natural high from the good feeling he gave me. Then all of a sudden, he disappeared. He didn't answer my contact and I desperately texted/called him. I lost myself, I texted nonstop for 3 days, trying to find the right thing to say to get him to reply then he did. We talked on the phone for 2.5 hours to resolve things, almost 200 texts later and feeling like I was kicked in the gut, he explained that he disappeared because I texted that I was concerned for him and couldn't keep up with his lifestyle of a current dui, drinking/driving, constant partying, women, carefree'ness with no regard for consequences. He said he didn't like me judging him, though I wasn't, I was genuinely concerned for him.
We went out this past Sat., last talked/seen eachother on Sun. with hug/kiss good bye. I texted him Mon. about seeing him signed on online dating (we talked about it, was going to see where it would go btw us). He must have not liked my comment, so then again has put me on ignore and I followed by texting/calling nonstop again; pleading for him to talk to me, losing myself in constant attempts to resolve things and being ignored with the gut wrenching silent treatment. Then I called him last night, a girl answered. I hung up, she called back saying she's his gf and asked what is up with my 200+ texts to him. I felt so embarrassed, so ashamed and extremely hurt. I thought there was something btw us, I thought he felt it too.. I'm so disappointed with myself. I can't explain the urge of the constant texting/calls, I felt helpless and wanted to fix things because I didn't want to lose this great feeling he gave me.
I thought I was smarter than this because I was recovered from a prior experience and I got sucked in so easily, then I question if they're really narcs or am I really crazy. When we went out Sat. night, he called me crazy because of my excessive texts but we put it behind us and continued to have fun. Background on him: he's divorced of 2 years, has lived with younger women since, has a dui, parties reguarly, is wealthy, has a lot of "friends". In the big picture, I feel like I was just a number and no one special to him, how could I be if he allowed a woman to call me last night to scold me about my texts.
How do I forgive myself. How do I become forever healthy of this behavior? I had good intentions with my excessive contact because I wanted to hurry and fix it, move on, put it behind us and be happy. I was desperate, I acted desperate and I look like a fool. Help! :(