Was my ex presenting with NPD traits?

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#1 Aug 3 - 12PM
roberto516's picture

Was my ex presenting with NPD traits?

Hey everyone. First time posting but I'll keep this brief. I at first thought my ex had BPD traits but the more I spend on a BPD support group and the more I learn I believe she presents more with NPD traits. I know they can intermingle and such but here it goes.

In the beginning it was great. She came onto me while she was still in the air about leaving her boyfriend. She made the advances and I helped her through that time. Then I was really idealized. Telling me how great I was, being very social and taking an interest in my hobbies.

Then after a few months I think that things slowly changed over time. It became much more of me giving and her taking. I played a role in this and when some boundaries were stepped over and I could have stayed firm but I really loved her. I was basically addicted to chasing the idealization phase.

Well fast forward 16 months (in between which we tried couples counseling and prior the 4th session she said "I don't want to go. It's too much work."). My grandpop passed away, my best friend. She spent a day and a half being very supportive of me. Then she came home and started going right to the bedroom to watch Netflix. One of those nights I walked into the bedroom to lay next to her for company and she said "The tv is really loud and I'm trying to watch netflix on my phone and it's cramping my style."

Finally I had had enough so I told her a few days later that I had to leave. That same day I told her I wanted to be with her but we spent 2 weeks apart. That last weekend she asked me to come over (a 50 minute drive. something I always did). I asked her if there was going to be a time that she could meet me halfway somewhere. She said "I don't know." Next day she said she didn't want a relationship.

For 2 months I begged her to give it a chance. Even at one point she told me "Someone at your work called my coworker and said you are depressed. You need to get over this because its effecting my work now."

Well I finally got the message and backed off from talking to her. 3 days later she begins calling me non=stop, calling my work, asking a coworker to have me call her, having her mom call me, and then showing up at my parents house.

This led to us getting back together but it was me doing her homework, coming over her house, catering to her. But I wanted to. I wanted to show her I had changed for the better. Well one weekend she said she didn't want to hang out. I agreed with her. Then she changed her mind. I said we should stick to the original plan as I didn't want her to resent me. Next day she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

Led to another month of anger and rage on my part mixed with apologies and pleas for love. She needed my help one more time and then I helped her. i told her I didn't want to be with her and I was only helping because she needed it. She said "What if I change my mind?" That lured me in again and then she went cold and changed her mind about inviting me to the beach. I raged at her one more time in anger and that was it. 6 months NC this Monday, her birthday.

I have been going to therapy, learning about abandonment issues in myself, the rescuer role, and the anger that came out when I felt betrayed, etc.

But I just wanted to see if anyone could relate. There are 1000 other situations I could bring up but that's the gist. I remember so many times telling her "I feel like a slave." and "You say you want me to be in control of the relationship but it's always you making decisions."

She seems like, based on my readings, to be a covert/vulnerable narcissist. Because she never got angry outward (she would internalize) and she was very much on the outside a very charming, kind, caring person. Just behind closed doors she would take and take and whenever I tried to speak about my concerns in the relationship she just wouldn't talk, want to go on a break, and then I'd come back and apologize for my behaviors without her ever taking any responsibility or admittance of doing anything that might have hurt me.

last example I promise. We fought one weekend and make up and she tells me "oh we got tickets to a concert in las vegas. do you want to come?" I agree and then she says "oh well we already got the tickets but you can come and do something else during the concert." I told her I felt hurt and excluded and asked her to consider me in the future. Well when she went to vegas she was out all night partying with family and I told her I felt hurt because we never got to do those things together as she didn't want to. That ended with her going silent on me as I tried to reach out until I broke and promised to do better and start taking her out to fancy places to eat and drink. Fast forward when I invited her to a concert a few months later and she said "Oh, me and my family already got tickets to that." I think that was the last straw.

Thanks for reading.