To warn or to wait
To warn or to wait
Been married to NPD wife for more than 15 years. Work from home and have an amazing son and, for the most part, I've been able to keep things on an even a keel as one can. For me it's all about my son. I've seen enough family splits to know that the trauma he'd have from her going nuclear in a separation exceeds the damage he's getting from being in an imperfect environment.
He has a good counsellor at school and I make sure to reinforce to him that he's loved and important, not just to me, but to his extended family. Counsellor has told me repeatedly that since one incident more than a year ago in particular, my son's confidence has improved and that the positive reinforcement is helping him grow into a good man.
NPD spouse has had at least two affairs. The first eventually ended because I rang the guy and talked with him and explained the situation. He'd been completely taken in and seemed like someone I could have been friends with under other circumstances. He shut down his relationship with my wife immediately apologized profusely. Understanding the blitzkreig of sensuality and attention he'd been subjected to, I understood how it had happened. I forgave him. NPD wife was angry, then never mentioned it again. Of course I'd tried to get her to end it but that didn't end up going anywhere - if only I'd called this guy earlier. I suspect that few men are willing to continue an affair with another man's wife when they are confronted about it in the appropriate way.
Discovered NPD wife several years later (right about 6 weeks ago) having another affair with a substantially older man. He's late sixties, we're both early 40's. She knows I know about the affair (I found the WhatsApp messages) but doesn't know how much I know about him. He's got kids and grandkids and a wife with health issues. He's also getting subjected to the blitzkreig of sensuality and attention. If I was in my late 60's and approached by an attractive woman almost 30 years my junior ... well I imagine the temptation would be strong.
My priority is my son. I've been keeping things on even a keel as I can so that he can finish the next three years at the very good (and very expensive) school he goes to and so that he has a good shot at getting a great place at an excellent university. I know that confronting NPD wife and asking her to stop isn't going to cause any changes. So I've been wondering if I should have a similar conversation as I did with the first affairee I became aware of (or more likely just send an email) to this older guy and say "look, you are involved with my wife and she has NPD. Here's some books you can read on it. It's awesome now, but it will turn to shit and the more you read about NPD, the more you'll understand the part of the cycle you are in. An affair with someone with NPD doesn't end well. Perhaps you might consider ending it, before you have to explain why you left your wife of decades for what turns out to be an abusive woman to your family"
What do people think? Happy to clarify. I'm far from happy with the situation, but striving to be a good dad gets me through on days when things seem impossibly hard as there's unlikely to be anything that I do that will be as important as being the best dad I can to my son.