To warn or to wait

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#1 January 5, 2018 - 3:34am

To warn or to wait

Been married to NPD wife for more than 15 years. Work from home and have an amazing son and, for the most part, I've been able to keep things on an even a keel as one can. For me it's all about my son. I've seen enough family splits to know that the trauma he'd have from her going nuclear in a separation exceeds the damage he's getting from being in an imperfect environment.

He has a good counsellor at school and I make sure to reinforce to him that he's loved and important, not just to me, but to his extended family. Counsellor has told me repeatedly that since one incident more than a year ago in particular, my son's confidence has improved and that the positive reinforcement is helping him grow into a good man.

NPD spouse has had at least two affairs. The first eventually ended because I rang the guy and talked with him and explained the situation. He'd been completely taken in and seemed like someone I could have been friends with under other circumstances. He shut down his relationship with my wife immediately apologized profusely. Understanding the blitzkreig of sensuality and attention he'd been subjected to, I understood how it had happened. I forgave him. NPD wife was angry, then never mentioned it again. Of course I'd tried to get her to end it but that didn't end up going anywhere - if only I'd called this guy earlier. I suspect that few men are willing to continue an affair with another man's wife when they are confronted about it in the appropriate way.

Discovered NPD wife several years later (right about 6 weeks ago) having another affair with a substantially older man. He's late sixties, we're both early 40's. She knows I know about the affair (I found the WhatsApp messages) but doesn't know how much I know about him. He's got kids and grandkids and a wife with health issues. He's also getting subjected to the blitzkreig of sensuality and attention. If I was in my late 60's and approached by an attractive woman almost 30 years my junior ... well I imagine the temptation would be strong.

My priority is my son. I've been keeping things on even a keel as I can so that he can finish the next three years at the very good (and very expensive) school he goes to and so that he has a good shot at getting a great place at an excellent university. I know that confronting NPD wife and asking her to stop isn't going to cause any changes. So I've been wondering if I should have a similar conversation as I did with the first affairee I became aware of (or more likely just send an email) to this older guy and say "look, you are involved with my wife and she has NPD. Here's some books you can read on it. It's awesome now, but it will turn to shit and the more you read about NPD, the more you'll understand the part of the cycle you are in. An affair with someone with NPD doesn't end well. Perhaps you might consider ending it, before you have to explain why you left your wife of decades for what turns out to be an abusive woman to your family"

What do people think? Happy to clarify. I'm far from happy with the situation, but striving to be a good dad gets me through on days when things seem impossibly hard as there's unlikely to be anything that I do that will be as important as being the best dad I can to my son.

January 6, 2018 - 5:42am

Addendum

So it turns out that the story is even better (in that tragic comedy sense of better). The older guy's wife had stage 3 ovarian cancer. I found google searches on NPD wife's ipad for life expectancy around the disease. So perhaps he's got NPD as well, as what sort of person cheats on his wife when she has stage 3 ovarian cancer with a woman 30 years his junior that is married? Also turns out that NPD wife is transferring tens of thousands of dollars from her "private" (I found it, she doesn't know that) account to this guy and to betting agencies. Turns out the guy was involved in the horse racing industry and had been subject to several track bans because of shady behavior. So from one perspective it looks like he's leaching cash from NPD wife whilst cheating on his own wife. I'm kinda thinking that I should just stay out of it and ensure that my son is protected as I can't see their relationship as being anything other than a colossal train wreck given the conditions it seems to have formed under and the probable personalities involved.

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