My Emotional Trap Door

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#1 Aug 9 - 10PM
Overproof's picture

My Emotional Trap Door

I will never forget that feeling of despair, laying in the ER, road rash and pain all over. Single car DUI accident survivor. Hi, i'm co dependent and was discarded by my narc the night before, my 2nd discard in 5 months and I "celebrated" binging on booze. As a road rage shooting survivor 18 months before I met my narc I was already a mess. The love bombing stage was brief and she had me quickly, not that I felt euphoric love but she had my buttons mapped like a PS4 controller.

I felt strong, I was aware how she was operating and I was fighting resiliently, suffering harm in her trap but feeling I knew this was not good at all and I was trying to be precocious. I was playing checkers ofcourse....

After we 1st started dating I was D&D during xmas '08 after 3 not so great months. I think my attempt to set boundaries during the love bombing stage had already caused a narcissistic wound and I saw many red flags after month 1 that should have sent me running. I had been lonely since my attack 2 years prior and I kept being willing to move those boundaries back. My discard christmas day was for no reason other than her feelings had changed and the excitement days before to meet my family didn't matter. I was crushed but still had an excellent support system that got me through it. By Feb I was good until I got my 1st real hoover. I was open then until a week later she shows up at my fav bar with the bouncer that works there, my replacement who she began speaking with in November. She was nonchalant about it, she wouldn't have taken his number if I didn't get so drunk ON MY BIRTHDAY. The 1st time I took her to this bar I carried her out of the bathroom half passed out and cleaned puke out of my bed at 4am that morning.

I went NC and she hoovered again 2 months later, I was sucked back in.

2 months later the idealization stage was coming to an end again as the resentment for paying for meals because I am not all out courting someone who displays her behavior isn't in my methods of operation.

By this time she is working front desk at a hotel (supply city :-( ) and she asks me to come by mid-shift (she worked swing shift) for some fun, conveniently this idea comes to her mind right when I tell her i'm there.

I have 2 drinks and head to her job, she gets us to an empty room and within a minute begins to argue how drunk I am and how badly I smell of cigarettes (pack a day smoker at the time for years). We argue and I leave the room. Till this day I will swear she removed my keys from my pants because I never take them out unless i'm home, they were in the room and she held the key. I was not getting them as I was drunk and belligerent. The woman who has shown no moral character so far was sooooo concerned for my wellbeing. I knew right then she was a POS. I left, called a cab, went home and I drank and drank, binged for 24 hours until regaining consciousness int he ER. Embarrassed, confused, hurt and alone. I had no family living in my state, who did I call?

Her eyes welled with tears the second she came in the ER and layed eyes on me. I don't know what I would pay to see the real look on her face as she grabbed me and pulled me in as tight as she could.

My recovery was about 2 months and she was there every step of the way, she picked glass fragments from my back, my source of transportation and cried with me as I beat myself up for being so silly. After a tumultuous beginning she had found a way to connect with me and make me feel she was not as shallow as she perceived to be. Cognitive dissonance went into overdrive, she was flawed but perfect. I could count on her, she would be there for me through whatever. 10 years later I am ruined while she no longer works the front desk for $10 an hour banging guest while she delivers towels. She manages one, a nicer one at that. She one upped me in every way she could while tearing me down. Divorced me the month she began making enough to support herself, our child and the lifestyle she wants. I have so much more. This is just a breakthrough I feel I had about why I got stuck, once I did I was prime for the control. Her 2 months of sacrifice gave her the key to my humanity and she took every bit of it.