I'm my own worst enemy
I'm my own worst enemy
It's been so many months since my discard... just a few months away from becoming a year when my past relationship started which is frustrating because here I am still trying to overcome it. Confusion even after true No Contact it consumes me every single day from the moment I wake up, frustration starts right afterwards because even after allowing time, seeking professional help, getting my life back.
Even after so many obvious signs of being used: her affection came out of nowhere (I have known her for years at work), intimacy after 2 days of meeting, declaring to be in-love within a month and moving in after 5 weeks because of her running away from an abusive relationship with her "separated husband".
So many red flags, my inner voice and gut feeling thru the roof telling me nothing about us was normal and I still allowed it until that night in October where I couldn't take it anymore and asked her leave. Only after that moment her true self came out and her mask slipped, she agreed that everything moved to fast but wanted to stay with me and make it work (until she secured old and new supply which I know for a fact and did not imagine). I attempted to break up twice only to allow her to hoover and suck me back in, "hoovering" is real; after I fell right back in she would disappear almost every weekend (she is clearly a player in a game I don't want to join), send me texts by mistake intended for others, hint at me on how she's screwing me over with certain words and pics she would send... My attachment was so powerful that at times even though I knew I was played I did not care as long as I was still in her life, it was pathetic, it was sad and it just did more damage to myself.
I am not a stranger to divorce and ending relationships but I have never experienced a relationship like this, it's a storm of affection, sex, attention, communication and admiration to "hook" you... the feeling is so amazing you stop caring about how weird or suspicious everything may feel because you don't want to stop or even risk that blissful love-bombing. I know it was fake, I know everything was based on manipulating but still to this day those memories keep me meshed and at times even doubting myself if she was really a narcissist or not! When I read the posts on this site it bring me back to reality, yes there are people that are completely the opposite of us and will use others for their gain - I am not saying we are perfect and never make mistakes but this is different this is about viewing others as a supply and what can they gain about it (no love involved).
Even after so much research I did about narcissism, about the inevitable outcome for everyone involved with one I still miss her, I miss the illusion and even in my current state of mind I wish it would have lasted longer... to those who experienced this and were able to overcome I hope you would comment or give some advice, I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired - does that make any sense?