Ali15's Story

Here goes!

Sorry if this is long winded, I've been a bit scared to write my story, afraid that my ex may see it and work out that its me, then twist that and throw guilt at me. However I believe it's cathartic and it may help someone else. This site has been so good for me, I can't thank you all enough.

My ex and I met as teenagers, 40 years ago, we were childhood sweethearts, I adored him. We lost touch but met up again several years ago and kept in touch.
2009 we got together and he was wonderful, my knight in shining armour, I'd been through a lot of heartache, he understood that and wanted to look after me. Friends and family had their doubts, not least because he was moving 400 miles to live with me and he wanted marriage within 3 months.
I did question getting married so quickly and I guess I should have noticed the red flag, his way of convincing me was to constantly repeat, I want to marry you.
They day I went to choose dresses I had displeased him, he ignored me all day, my bridesmaid said I was mad to marry him. She even tried ringing from her phone, but he wouldn't pick up.
He made me cease contact with some male friends, I should have seen that red flag! He said we should have new phones so that we both knew what phone numbers each of us had, he often got annoyed and frustrated with the fact that I had two phones, the other was my work phone and belonged to my employers not me, I had to show him that. I did what he wanted as I felt once we were married he'd have the reassurance he needed and would feel secure. After all his ex wife had left him nothing, he had his sole possessions packed in his car.
His ex wife was 20 years younger than him, they had young children, but he wasn't in contact with them, this appeared to upset him, again I should have questioned more, the thing was if I did he would sulk, which destroyed me!
People would also tell me how obviously he adored me, they said he never took his eyes off me, he told me I was his soul mate and he seemed to be. I could take the pain as the good made up for it, all he needed was reassurance, which I gave and gave.
We married early 2010 it was the best day if my life, we wrote our vows together all our friends and family were there, I felt whole.
Our sex life was amazing we understood each others needs, my only concern there was he often only climaxed from behind, I know that sounds awful but I suffer from back pain and that position was difficult for me, but it seemed to be his only way, maybe someone could answer that?
Shortly after we married he wanted ownership of my car, that upset me as it was a gift and though I didn't need it daily, I did need it for work . We argued about it one night, so he didn't come home until I agreed that it was ours.
When we were kids he dumped me for another kid, she suddenly got in touch on fb, maybe a coincidence, today I wonder?
Once married he wanted to move back to where he'd been 400 miles away, I didn't want to go, my life and most importantly my elderly parents were here. He said he'd go without me, I should have let him, but I came. I've worked in older people's services my whole life, you can imagine the guilt!
I hated the move but each time I got upset, he told me to go back, to what I'd no job, no home. I gave up everything.
He now had contact with his children, he hated their mother, she'd cheated on him. We took them on holiday what a nightmare, his eldest who had become like a daughter to me, turned on me she didn't want me to touch her Dad. But instead of teaching sharing, he told me not to sit with him, or touch him. I'll never forget the look of disdain on his face when he told me I could sit with them but not next to him as that was his daughters place. I went home, travelling alone, I'm terrified of flying but I couldn't stay.
He came back 10 days later, that was Sept2011. D&D began in style! He wanted to check my emails and my phone on a daily basis, he didn't want me to do fb, these were the way I kept in touch with friends at home, he wanted to control my every move. We argued he left in Oct, returned and left again in Nov. he left yet again 2 days before Christmas, he put all my gifts out, like you do on Christmas morning, along with his wedding ring, how cruel? I had a very lonely Christmas as I knew few people and my family were now 400 miles away
He came back just before new year, having spent Christmas in my home town, with his children.
I wouldn't have let him back that night had the police not informed me that he had a right to be there, and unless he was violent I could be arrested for restricting him!
We seemed to be ok, he got a new job in March, it meant he was away 3 days of each week, in a place with no phone, no Internet, no tv and living with a woman! He told me I was paranoid and jealous when I questioned the logic of choosing this job. He left in April, I tried to contact him and then the police came to my work place, he'd reported me for harassment. I was completely out of my mind. They suggested I tried to get him off the rent book, he was happy to do this.
He wouldn't speak and if I did manage to get an answer he threatened me with the police.
Slowly but surely and god knows how, I got through each day, I went to work coming home each night and crying like my heart would break, gut wrenching sobs. I literally put one foot in front of the other.
I got a new job and threw myself into that, I made some lovely friends. I started to move on. He reappeared, and I still loved him, I knew nothing of narcissism, he wanted to do an erotic video, I refused, he wanted me to watch porn, whilst he watched me, he then informed me it was a little clinical but could be improved.
He'd changed his eating habits and knew new positions, he was adamant that he hadn't been unfaithful.
His job finished in sept and he tried to be with me on his terms. He wanted 'no nagging, no moaning, good cooking and fantastic sex' he wanted me to get rid of clutter, my belongings, he didn't want my old furniture he wanted what 'we both liked ' but he didn't want to buy anything. I was messed up and confused yet again.
We saw each other and split so many times I've lost count. He pushed for anal sex refusing to see me if I wasn't willing, then coming back days later as though the conversation never happened.
Just after Christmas 2012 he accused me of being unfaithful, I've never looked at anyone else, he said there were text messages that led him to believe different, there are no texts, he said he saved them to his phone but refuses to prove it, he can't it's lies.
I found this site!
I began no contact
He's tried several attempts to hoover the last was to tell me about the new women he's employed, but they're not his type. His type is skinny, he said he'd leave me if I put weight on.
I'm not completely no contact but I did manage to refuse to see him on Friday, that's a first!
He gave me wings and then took away the sky. I loved him and thought he was my soul mate, maybe he was. I'm in therapy and I can't thank you all enough, you're the ones who keep me together when I'm lonely, you are there when no one else is.