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"aha" moments on my date last night

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#1 Feb 4 - 9AM
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

"aha" moments on my date last night

had a date last night. and had some major "aha" moments. thought i'd write a list:

1. New guy treated waiters/hostess with respect, made eye contact, said thank you. The N was always haughty, arrogant, didn't make eye contact w these ppl who were soo beneath him. he mostly just shook his head "yes" or "no" and I would be t one saying thank you and being nice!

2. New guy did not get a glazed over look and change subjects quickly when I would talk about myself, he was genuinely interested in learning how I became t person I am today.

3. New guy talked about his family easily, what they did, how he feels about them, his relationships w them.

4. New guy asked about my family and friends.

5. In general he asked "getting to know you" questions and seemed genuinely interested in ME.

I feel so psycho because this is NORMAL but I am getting excited over these relatively SIMPLE things.

When I got home I started to miss t N. WHY???!!! I missed t way he'd make me laugh, I missed the fairly tale, I missed the way he'd lean into me in public and act all "gaga" I miss t pet names. But I just try to keep telling myself it was all an act, that he was just mirroring how he thought guys were supposed to act.

I really struggled last night bc it's t first weekend he has really been back in town and I know he was on a date, hooking up or looking for supply. Makes me feel really anxious and super angry.

I am in the angry stage!!!! I HATE HIM! Look who I am now, a person that gets excited if someone opens up a little about his family!!?!?!? I am so messed up!!!!

Feb 4 - 10AM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Nlvr7

I think it is good that you were able to see the differences in your ex and what is probably a "normal" guy. To me, the key bit of information here is that you were comparing the 2 in your head on your date. This means YOU were not present in the date and are still processing and dealing with what has happened with the ex. I am of the belief that you come to dating as fully healed as possible. I don't want to date someone who is still in severe pain over an ex. Just my thoughts and it is normal to be angry and hate him. I was spouting hate just last week-end and it was good for me.
Feb 4 - 10AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

nlvr7

it is nice to have met a nice guy, but how soon out are you from the narc relationship? It may be way too early to go dating again?? It takes a long time a year, usually longer, to process everything and getting back to dating too soon is damaging to you and not fair to the new guy either.my thoughts.............
Feb 4 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

A little over 3 wks

Usually going out on dates is part of my usual post breakup process but ur right I am still pretty injured and so maybe its best to not date for a while!
Feb 4 - 9AM
kartaga
kartaga's picture

well, i would still be on my

well, i would still be on my guard. at first, they are doing everything right, you are the center of the universe, they are trying to get to know you (your weak points...). about the eye contact with a waiter...mine was always polite, understanding, helpful...he want to be perceived like this with others. im not being paranoid here..just saying..
Feb 4 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Kartaga

You are 100% correct..one date will not determine the person.my narc was always a perfect gentelman..fools hold so to speak . Dating when suffering Trama as we have is a really bad idea.. You will not stop the cycle of toxic relationships .. There is a reason we were Narced Figuring out who you are is more important after such a break up., finding another man is just a bandage .. Hunter
Feb 4 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Armed
Armed's picture

Yes Katanga, so was mine. He

Yes Katanga, so was mine. He had to APPEAR the perfect gentlemen. They care a lot about keeping that good mask on for others and also for you until you're hooked.
Feb 4 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Armed
Armed's picture

We are all messed up in a

We are all messed up in a sense. I find myself watching for clues and listening intensely to just about anyone. I haven't even the strength to go out on a date and it's been almost a year sice N and I broke up. Kudos to you for the strength to go out. Thanks for the list. Observe, listen, be intuitive!