agnesmurphy17's story

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#1 Nov 15 - 8AM
agnesmurphy17
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agnesmurphy17's story

I left my N after knowing him 3 1/2 years. We met on line. Even from the beginning I felt something was rigid, stiff, & inflexible. He was from a foreign country, recently divorced out of a 20+ year marriage, & was breaking up with the woman for whom he left his wife & with whom he came to the States. Red Flags? Duh. Oddities I felt, I passed off as lack of fluency in English. He & I saw each other rarely the 1st six months & e-mailed also rarely. When I first met him, he had just broken up with his girlfirend & she had left the States to do research abroad. Then she returned & they were trying again. As he was one of many men with whom I may have had dinner & e-mailed, I was like, fine. We e-mailed over a crisis he had. Met at the symphony two times because somebody gave him free tickets. He was just one of many whom I might see socially.

After 6 months he finally broke up with the girlfriend, he asked her to leave & she did. At that point in time, our relationship took off. I was lonely. He seemingly wanted to have a quiet life of being together. He was very educated, successful. Introduced me to his folks who embraced me immediately--instant family for me. Travel. A whirlwind romance. Very good-looking, physically fit, very well-employed, ex-wife & child in another country, & could repair the house & the computer. Wanted a clean & orderly house &, therefore, hired a cleaning lady. The man is seemingly perfect! (The only thing he did not want to master was laundry.)

After 4 months together, he started to look for a place to purchase. His employment was fronting him a substantial mortgage. He wanted me to purchase with him. I said I would only purchase property with somebody I was married to. He wasn't ready. Fine. I didn't really care. I was very happy with the way things were. One day he took me with his realtor to see a lovely house, right near his work, on a pond. BUT the house was out of his price range, because, holding a work visa he was not able to get a US Bank loan. He asked me to marry him the day he saw the house. I said a house is no reason to get married. He said, no . . . he saw us together in the house, he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Also, within two months of our relationship he started talking about marriage. After a decade of dealing with men who wanted sex but not a relationship, N was refreshing. I deliberately threw all caution to the wind, I set out on a awfully big adventure. (I still had illusions of romance in those days. I still had a belief in the essential goodness of mankind.) Within 6 weeks we were married & closed on the house. You see, I put up the portion of the purchase money he could not make.

His Jeckyll-Hyde persona emerged within 4 weeks of moving into the house. But this was a HIGHLY educated individual. His profession is philosophy & he reads psychology all the time. He twisted & manipulated my vulnerabilities. I said to him once, other people do not find me to be x, y & z. My ex-husband, my colleagues, & friends don't have these problems with me. He says, well, only our most intimate partners know the truth about us. Those other people do not know you as I do. Whoa! The man really messed with my head. And he would become ENRAGED at the drop of a hat over any petty detail--my omissions & commissions. I became submissive out of fear. He cycled every 7-10 days. Then 3 days of silence. (I kept a journal.)

Within 6 months of the marriage, he was threatening divorce once a month & always stating he would get the house. Once he told me that he would help me get an apartment. I could leave my money in the house as a good investment. You see, he could not get a US bank loan without a Green Card. So he would stay in the house with my money; & I would move into an apartment. He had it all planned from the very beginning.

Our first wedding anniversary, I bought him gifts & was preparing him a special dinner of his favorites--he didn't get me anything: "I didn't think you would want to celebrate." (Playing with my head using his projections.) I was very unhappy & thought to leave but I had just married, moved, all my money was in the house & his renovations had bled me dry of my income. He had me believing that I was nothing without him & that I could not support myself alone (as I had been doing before I met him & as I do now). & I had hope for Dr. Jeckyll returning forever, not just a few days a week.

I started to take sedatives for my anxiety. Every abusive episode, I'd sedate myself. The dose went up & up & I became more & more dependent. After 1 1/2 years of marriage, I stopped taking sedatives. The first four months of withdrawal I was in such physical & psychological pain. My N was outraged that I had inconvenienced him in this manner. Somehow my pain was greater than anything he was doing to me . . . but he was just awful, although I have little memory of that time. After the withdrawal, I felt so guilty about how I treated him when I was withdrawing--that is, I was distracted, self-absorbed, anxious, basically, NOT devoted to him entirely for almost three months. So I tried to focus on him . . . do all the things he wanted me to do. For a month or two I was trying very, very hard to please him.

Then shortly after our 2nd anniversary there was an abusive episode which became very physical for the first time. Generally he was verbally & psychologicaly abusive (physical had been only blocking, slight pushing, threatening violence). After this physical episode I became very upset (more upset than usual). In an effort to comfort me, my N suggested that we commit suicide together! I was shaken to the core. He was losing control over me & he sensed it. Thereafter, he escalated the abuse in an effort to regain control & my submission. On one hand, I was disengaging, on the other hand, I was still clinging to the hope that I could "make the relationship work." Also, I was very afraid that I was the crazy one & really just imagining that he was evil personified. In the last few months THE LOOK in his eyes was horrific--I was struck dumb & a thought entered my mind: "I have seen the face of evil." Either I was crazy or he was crazy.

In a discussion, a week after the sucide pact suggestion, he told me: "I was never emotionally or sexually connected to you. I married you because I believed that my love for you would transform you as [ex-girlfriend's] love transformed me." I was stunned. A few days later, he wanted sex. I told him that he was going to have to explain the not being emotionally or sexually connected thing before the deed. He went WILD & out-of-control! Scared me & scared himself. The next morning he told me that we had to go into family therapy or else he would divorce me. I said, divorce me. I knew he was toying with my mind. He'd kept his ex-wife in the marriage some 20 years & they were always in therapy. I knew therapy was a means to control me. I realized one night shortly thereafter: I know why they murder the kids, the wife, & then turn the gun on themselves (maybe)--this man does not see me as a separate person. When he says, we are one -- he means it! I am his to dispose of as he wishes. I did end up in family therapy just to keep the peace. What another violation by the therapist! He had her hoodwinked.

I planned my escape. Within five months of the proposed suicide pact, I was out of there. But I made the mistake of telling him I was leaving shortly before I left. The last four weeks before I left my life was a living nightmare. A roller coaster! His weeping & wailing. A two year old sobbing throughout the night. Then the threats & the rage. Dr. Jyckell & Mr. Hyde would alternate within minutes. Portrayed himself to the world as a devastated man whose depressed & drug addicted wife just cruelly abandoned him!

One of his female friends who comforted him -- she brought in her friend for support. Her friend is a recently-divorced psychiatrist. (I met the psychiatist once at a social function when I was living with my N still. I have her card. She was a very nice woman.) Exactly five months after I left my N, this female psychiatrist moved into the house I still own. My N is very secretive & doen't want me to know that he's got another woman. My N still plays up the broken heart thing for sympathy. He's in "recovery" & "mourning" the loss of the relationship. Teaches only one course this semester but gets his full salary (his chairman was so touched by N's grief).

Life with my N was rather similar to living in a 19th century Gothic novel--The Mysteries of Udolpho--type of thing. After a year and a half of marriage, my N got a Green Card from his employment, hence, eligible for a US bank loan. My N is buying out my share at a discounted rate because there has been a crash in the market since we purchased. Plus every penny I earned while we lived together went into the house--he gets to keep all the money for renovations with the house. My N says, too bad, you made a bad investment--the market crashed. He thinks he's being very generous. Has portrayed me as a grasping, money grubber to others!

I knew when he got the Green Card my time was limited. This was all about a house, sex, & laundry -- in that order. Our 3rd wedding anniversary just passed. Very soon I will get my money from the house & get my divorce. He wants it over ASAP. He has deleted me. He replaced me very quickly. Just as he replaced the ex-girlfriend very quickly with me. Just as he replaced his ex-wife with the girlfriend. He always has another lined up before leaving. But I was the first to abandon him. For the first time in his life he lost control for a few moments. (I have no satisfaction in this because I have literally paid money to get away from him.)

I thought I was crazy when I lived with him. I suffered panic & anxiety attacks which never had happened before in my life. My hands would shake constantly towards the end even when I was alone at my job. All that stopped shortly after I left him. When I went to move out my furniture & the psychiatrist opened the door & showed me around my own house, I felt very crazy. She told me which rooms I could enter & which I could not. (Basically trying to hide her stuff from me.) My N once told me, it was the tragedy of his life that he fell in love with women who were so emotionally damaged from their childhood traumas -- this was in reference to my past, another of his mind game put-downs. Anyhow, I know the drill he has told psychiatrist to get her to admire & adore him & to wait on him hand & foot. Convince her what a lucky, middle-aged woman she is to have another chance at romance with a man who is seemingly perfect.

I realized, this N committed crimes against a criminal defense attorney. Many criminals are narcissists, but I never understood what that meant until I personally got caught in the web of a narcissist. My N will commit psychological manipulations against psychiatrist (and crimes as well). She may have passed the psychiatric boards, but she didn't really understand what narcissism meant, only words in a definition. But she will learn & very soon.

You know, I liked her when I met her at the social function while I was still living with my N. I even asked for her card so she & I could meet socially. This was exactly one month before I left my N. But if I tried to warn her now, she'd only think: I am jealous & crazy, or both. How could any woman not be happy with this perfect man? She sees him as kind & sensitive & gentle. Just as I did.

Oct 17 - 11PM
Amiee
Amiee's picture

Pattern

I have reading a lot of the stories to night. I see some patterns besides their behavior. Online dating is a good mine for NARC's. They get a little information about us so they know the answers to give. They have some secrecy which is exciting to them, and they can fish for multiple victims...
May 1 - 1PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

agnes

Just read your story...wow.... are Ns are very, very much alike. Just like you, he seems perfect in every way...and he does think that women who meet him are lucky that they finally have a chance for romance with a perfect man. And of course, the fact that he has many women after him all at the same time...and many incredible women...does not help him get a grip of reality and settle down with just one. I too feel "deleted" from his life. I had panic attacks and anxiety attacks when we worked together. My heart started skipping beats...this lasted for two months until I finally asked him to stop working at the company. and about three weeks after he left, my heart was normal again. He too made me feel like the crazy one...that he was a normal stable person and I was crazy. But everyone in my life believes I'm the most stable person they have ever met... he just did something to me...all of the mind games...false accusations...making me wonder if I really did do those bad things and just didn't know. Have you heard anything about this new relationship?
May 2 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

His New Woman

Well, I know nothing from him. She moved in in 9/09. Just after she moved in, he called me asking to reconcile. In 3/10, he called twice asking me to reconcile. One time with a concert ticket for that evening (I suppose she refused to go). So, I can only assume that she's useful--but, I was perhaps a better servant to his needs. I know in 3/10 she was seen at a lecture of one if his colleages. But, he was not there. People thought that was strange. However, some people did not recognize her! She waived & they had no idea who this woman was. And then, OMG, it's 'Name!' They said she looked 10 years older & stressed. I know that sometime after New Year's 2010, there were some semi-public announcements that they were finished. But, then, reconciliation. I learned that she was divorced for a long time. Raised her two sons alone. Never had a relationship. Now the sons are all grown up. She moved here in 1/09 from another state. For work & to be closer to at least one of her sons. So, when she got involved with my N in spring & summer 2009, she had not been involved with a man for a long time & had just moved here. She was vulnerable. She's very sympathetic & empathetic given she's a shrink. I assume she held his hand . . . & she got sucked into believing he was an extraordinary man. Nobody that I know has any idea if they are still together. My N plays his cards very close. Does not reveal much. And, he's not an approachable guy. Even a 'friend' or associate can just ask a personal question. One would not feel comnfortable. BTW. I am on Facebook as agnes murphy17. And, I am one of Lisa's friends on FB.
Oct 10 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

The End

This is how my story ends. In May 2010, I was contacted by the psychiatrist. In March 2010 she left him at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. She wasn't gone 2 days when he was hoovering me 2 weeks before our divorce date. He told me that I could come back & take my place as if nothing ever happened. It doesn't matter that I did not bite. He had a new women within a few weeks apparently. The psychiatrist took out a restraining order against him. He was worse to her than he was with me. She was too busy & did not cater to his needs, nor did she cook, clean or do laundry. Also, she did not own the house (my share he purchased from me in the separation agreement) & refused to pay anything for the renovation or major investments in fixtures. (That miffed him off.) I learned that from the first month he was madly in love with her (so he said). But what he was trying to do was get her to give him the capital to purchase my share of the maritial home. I showed her all my e-mails from him. She was stunned. Even in the first few weeks they were together he was hoovering me in an attempt to save the house as the banks refused to give him a mortgage to buy my share. In the end his parents gave him the cash to buy my share. All the lies he told her about me & our relationship. He told her that I was a drug addict and "severely autistic." That I was just too damaged from my childhood. He only realized that shortly after he married me that I was incapable of true intimacy. She bought it all. Well, after her . . . I found his ex-wife of 20 years on the internet. We corresponded & finally met in person. OMG! The lies he told about their life together & how it ended. He told me he left his wife of 20+ years for another woman. He & his first wife had a 13 year age difference. He being the younger. I know now that Ns often go for older women because they have money. (Psychiatrist was 8 years his senior.) Well I learned from his ex-wife that while their daughter was having emergency brain surgery & could have died he was off traveling with his girlfriend. And he brought the girlfriend to the house to sleep in the wife's bed while she was away with the daughter who was recovering from emergency brain surgery. Wife tossed him out & he begged her not to do it. What I learned is that one cannot fathom the layer-upon-layer of deceit a true psychopath operates on. Mine is so good. He fooled a psychiatist for 10 months. I learned that he says the same lines ("you make me happier than any woman has ever in my life") and commits the same abuses. Slight variations but it's all abuse. More physical with the psychiatrist than with me. But with me he did more of the mindfu*k -- I was brainwashed more because she had a healthier ego than I. She takes care of herself. She's mostly upset that he stole money & possessions from her & damaged her antiques. Mine is a tenured professor at a really good school. It's amazing how people can think these abusers are just really great guys. It's Dr. Jykell outside the house & Mr. Hyde inside the house. I left my N 2 1/2 years after I married him. Now I am almost 2 1/2 years out. I do not know if I will ever get involved with another man. He really did a number on me. The PTSD was awful. I don't know if I can trust again. But I know that I can spot these guys fairly quickly now. Meeting the psychiatist & then his first ex-wife went so far to set me well on the path to recovery. And I learned that he is a highly successful psychopath. When I left him I was not sure that he suffered from a personality disorder. But now I know because I met the psychiatrist who gave the diagnosis (she calls him evil) and his first ex-wife. All three of us got together & he learned about it via the grape vine. So he knows his two ex-wives & one ex-girlfriend met! Very little he told me about himself was true. Or what he tells others for that matter. Everything is a manufactured mythology. He had no feeling for me or anybody else. Only to extract money, sex and domestic services. And he will do it again & again & again until he finds another woman who will stay for the abuse another 20 years or until his death. I know nothing about him any more except that he is with another woman now. We are no contact which is the only way to go with a psychopath.
Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ugh!

There are many lessons to learn from this story!! I love your posts! Hunter
Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Agnes

Thanks for sharing your latest chapter with us. (I say "latest" and not "last" because I predict much better days for you now that you're this far out). I think it's really helpful to see the beginning and end of these situations. One question: Do you still blog? You're a great writer and you have a pretty firm understanding of what these relationships are all about. I find a lot of catharsis in writing, personally. There are many women out there who could benefit from your story, and it may help bring you peace to keep writing.
Feb 26 - 4PM
secondchance
secondchance's picture

also

everything time he did something REALLY bad he would say they were just "mistakes" like burning a bagel or something. omg...i am getting mad again just thinking about all the nonsense!!
Feb 26 - 3PM
secondchance
secondchance's picture

read your blog

and was dying when i read the part about how he didn't think anything he said in anger counted! my stbx said the EXACT same thing all the time!!! So stupid! Take some reponsibility for yourself! Agh...free at last...
Nov 19 - 4AM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

What a set up

Hi, What an awful set up. It's bad enough that they do that but to then turn it on others makes it so much worse. MY exN was also just out of a 20 year relationship. He was with me for 2 years. He knew i wanted a baby and the first night together he asked me if there was anything he could do for me. This was related to him wanting a baby i suppose but he had to make it look like me. Well i had a baby and he had somewhere to live after leaving his wife. He did loads for us as in everyday care. I can't get over how wonderful he was. Well then he left me with an 8 month old and said he never wanted a baby and that i would have had a baby with anyone. He paid me money obviously for bills and living expenses when with me but now gives me nothing cos he feels i owe him after taking all his money he gave so freely for a while. He met someone else and set up to leave. Left me the day before my first mothers day to live with OW who has an 11 year old daughter. He told me it was a 'monumental decision' to leave me and that he had given 110%. Actually the whole relationship he called me by his ex's name and my son by his stepsons name. I had to travel in the same car. When he left me he bought another car straight away. So after writing this i can see he never took responsibility for anything. Even the cruel manipulations he did were my fault. As i write this i don't really believe it but i will in time. I am trying to lose this belief of what a wonderful man he was. I need to see that i was used for my home and baby making abilities. Well i forgot to add that with his ex wife they never had children and he had become impotent so what better than to run off with someone who his ex wife knew and have a baby... that would really hurt her... she said to him when he told her he was going to stay with me while he went to uni... you engineered that! Even so I miss him and find it hard to believe he's a monster. So i can see how you could have been set up from the begining the sick B******
Nov 17 - 6PM
time_to_move_on
time_to_move_on's picture

he sounds lovely!

just like my ex. So many women loved him, until they had the mis-fortune to live with him. He continually moved-in with women, used them for whatever he needed. I thought I was different... but I know now that I wasn't. And mine will be telling sob-stories to whoever his latest woman is about how awful I was to him. I listened to the same stories about his last ex and felt sorry for him, if only I'd known back then. Welcome to the site :)
Nov 16 - 7PM
Antonia
Antonia's picture

Hello AgnesMurphy17

Hi, wow, again reading your story like some others I feel such an affinity with your story. I too suffered panic and anxiety attacks whilst I was living with my EX N fella, which I never had before and no longer have. I would also get nauseous, be physically ill with the stress of the push/pull, silence from him when he was unhappy with me, the mind games, the complete disintrest he had in spending time with me, caring about my feelings, etc etc etc... so nice that is all gone now. Houses, interesting and sad you have that history with your ex also, I also felt and still feel set up. My ex had financial difficulties, I was soo 'in love' so I sold my house to move over to him as he had the big house that could accomodate all our kids blah blah... I helped him with his debts (20K's worth), the deal was I be put on the mortgage, I was naive and too trusting, once the money was transferred over, all of a sudden the loan was too hard to change, we would do it later... which never happened,the devaluation began in earnest at that point, he had what he wanted, I did everything I could to please (as I mentioned in my story), eventually to be locked out.. I also wonder was it planned, he doesn't feel obligated to give me back the money after locking me out. Yes I have legal rights, I just don't want to have to go thru the stress of fighting him to get it back legally, (plus the expense) I would rather put what is left of my money into another property for my future, expensive lesson, but my future free of isolation, stress and anxiety attacks, my needs and wants not being important, mothering him, walking on eggshells, bearing days and days of silence, not being able to enter a room coz he wants 'to be alone'.. all gone... I now live my life to what I want to do, and it is very refreshing, I am sorry you are going thru this, I believe from what I have read on here, most of us get hurt emotionally, sometimes physically and most often financially also... Main thing is you will be able to focus on you in your future and you will have the ability to start again. Sorry this is so long, on reading your story - it felt quite similar to my own experiences, and your lovely response to my story I wanted to reach out and say hi, you're not alone. Antonia
Nov 15 - 4PM
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It will be interesting...

To see how long it takes the doc to see the red flags herself!
Nov 15 - 12PM
better off
better off's picture

OMG...your story scares me

OMG...your story scares me to death. When I met my exN he was still trying to get a green card. Which he supposedly got on his own later, though I don't know if that's true, he left to go back to his own country. Looking back I wonder how much of the original intent of the relationship had something to do with that. He was in the U.S. because his wife was here on a work visa. (His horrible terrible psycho wife of course ;) ) He was already going to leave her, and was getting an apt when he met me. Two years ago. They are still together, in another country. I didn't know you couldn't get a U.S. bank loan without a green card. I wonder how they were doing it. Of course he also claimed they were millionaires. The story was that their green cards came through, but then they made plans to leave the United States. Which never made any sense to me, why the hell would you get green cards if you didn't plan on staying?
Nov 15 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome agnesmurphy17

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) - Please go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - Please read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim You may want to read through this site too: http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help