Agi72's Story

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#1 Dec 1 - 10AM
Agi72
Agi72's picture

Agi72's Story

My Story

It became a very long writing, but I wrote down the whole year. I moved up to another state last year september for a new job. Havent been dating seriously for the past 3 yrs. After 3 weeks on the new job, by the end of september he seduced me right away. I wasnt so open yet, and used to being alone, but It was so flattering the things he told me, that we got incredible chemistry, we are just become ONE when we are together, we dont just have some spark, but we got FIRE as he wrote me on skype too. He even felt like we are so great team together if we were married, would stay the same. I was just happy that he came over to c me and left, was thinking of what is happening now to me, is it serious or just few nites dates? but then no time he already bangged the door or called me to have a sleepover again. Suddenly I realized that I was loosing my life and just running to do what he desire and was ending up 5-6 times weekly at his place. Before he came over too regulary, then it was just me. He didnt came to my house for 2 months but called all the time to come over honey, miss you. We work together, saw him there for 8 hours and at home for another 16. We kept it secret at work because he was my boss and wasnt allowed to date in the same shift, and neither of us wanted to change shift, we wouldnt have seen eacother at all then. Rumors were always there about us, but we work very professionaly so nothing was prooved for them. When we go out to eat, we go to another town where no coworkers can bump into us.
Well everything was really so happy, I felt amazing, sexy all the time, till the first time after 2 months he said, that he is not a relationship guy, he never asked anyone for marriage after his divorce ( it was 18 yrs ago) lets be friends. I was confused because he seemed like pretty comfortable with me being there all the time. But I didnt make a fuss, just said that its silly we should give it more time to get to know eachother better. Next morning he knocked at my door like nothing he said before and I am such a great woman I am the best! His son came into town and he was so anxious to introduce me, the son said that I am the woman for him, dad dont push this girl away this time.
On his days off he loved to go to the bar to play pool or dancing in the club and always came home drunk. I was wondering that a charming 47 yrs old man acting like he is in his 20's, but yet i didnt get the red flag. Some days I went with him too, I am a social drinker so we had fun till one day he just didnt let me play pool, because its a guy play now for money. OK. I stood there and watched, he keep on coming to me hugging and kissing me every minute though. Then some girls came along and he played pool with them that same nite. I was so mad, but he said that I am not that good at it yet to play. Now after reading Lisa's book realized that was just to dominate me and put me down so I can feel useless, but that time I just took it that he is drunk and selfish.
Then he was drinking regulary after work too every nite, and I took care of him in everyway. We only watch HIS movies and when he drank, used to say who is the king in this house? That was so weird, but let him play his games for himself, it didnt really effected me then. Then he decided to stop drinking, through out the left over beers and the cigarettes into the trash. I was imazed by his strong quick change. A month later, in February we went to our first trip together to AC, where gambling goes with drinking and smoking but he said it will stay there, we wont continue that life style back home. Well he did.
Forgot to mention that at X-mas I gave him presents and card, after that he took me out for dinner and pump gas into my car, but that was it. Valentine day he came over before work for 20 min with chocolate and a card, which only was signed by his name, no additional comments. And didnt came by after work to celebrate it. That was a bit hurtful, maybe I was expecting too much to be with the one on Valentine's day. But I got over it, just got diappointed.
We were together over 4 months by then but he said the L word only should be said if we really mean it, and more important what he does than what people say, but I should know how deeply he cares about me and misses me all the time.By April his drinking habit become so regular that, he woke up and sat in front of the TV with a beer in his hand. We work at nite. After work he drank till 7-9 am! most times I was in bed by 5 latest, if he let me, because he wanted me to stay up and watch movies w him, and kept me up too. Then he woke up usually 3pm, and had 4 beers before work, I didnt like it and mention it to him why is this amount he needs to drink every day, he is hurting himself and we are not doing any productive activity all day. He said because he likes the taste. Then again he quit drinking in April, but this time he said we wont have sex at all, because he is Cristian and want to live a clean life, and it is adultery without a marriage as the bible says. But he wants me to be in his life. I agreed with him that time wondering how long it last, because I knew he wont marry me, wasnt his nature as he said. Everything remained the same just no drinking and no sex.
I have a very strong 6th sense which I just discovered recently, that when I feel something, there is some truth about it.
He said, that after my bday he will go to visit his son in NY. I felt he lied. Dont know what drove me to read his FB messeges because never did that to anyone, but it was right in front of me so I looked. He wrote to his old friend, whom I guessed was one of his exes, that they will meet in Philly, it really was a friendly conversation from both side, but the end he said to her I miss you. She answered: very nice. Those are the words he tells me when I say to him the L word. Middle of the nite while he was sleeping I packed up my clothes and left with a note, have fun in Philly, I dont need a liar.
Next day was my Bday, he probably didnt c my note yet, and wished me every good thing on text and wanna give me something. Later he found out what i did, and he said its over, I crossed the line, but he will drop off my present. So he did and pet me and hugged me so strong and said its just an old friend and he is not even going anywhere, shouldnt be worried. So we back together.(guess couldnt be my decision to end it, or he did really cared about me? never will know)
Following week we went to a casino trip again where he had his drink again after a months and drank even more than before, one nite one bottle of vodka gone. AND we just had sex again all the time. I questioned him that it was direspectful to do it to me drunk, but he didnt wanted to talk about it.
As a social drinker I always have wines and some malibu in my house. He finished them all in 1-2 days when it would have last for me 3 weeks. I hid them and he asked smiling if i have and hidden drink? He is a happy drunk though, actually he is really funny and cute and loving before he reaches the pass out stage, then I just put him in bed. For so long I didnt even admited to myself that hi has got drinking problem, how couldnt I see that. Then end of June he went cold turkey again and broke up with me for no reason, that he needs space and want to be alone. No drinking, no me! I tried to understand why and confort him that we are great together as he used to say it and dont do this. 8 days later we were back, so as the beer and the vodka. From that time we had our best times together, finally excepted me in his life, planned future together, asked me to move in properly. But i said its too small apt. lets go into a bigger one, because here i cant even fit my clothes in. He said ok when the lease is over in 2 months we do that. He planned to introduce me to his family because I m his woman. He said that back in April too but when he went to visit them, he didnt take me at the end.
By september after 11months he first ever said the L word to me, following that he cant believe, that he said that. But he did it for a whole month. He is very short of compliments, and nor he can take them. If I tell him he looks great in that suit or he has good qualities, he doesnt like to hear them. Which is confusing since they constantly need validation. Actually he asking for it by saying who made that happen? Who is there for you? etc.
We only had one car from September because of his accident, so it became a bit stressful to depend on eachother everyday for 2!!!months. I had to get ready much earlier to take him to work, or wait an hr for him to finish work after me, so most times I totally move my clothes there and basically live there. He made me feel comfortable.
We went to the bar, ( turned out he had no money on him! Really?)but anyway he let me play pool and even said i wasnt bad at it!!! We met couple guys from work and he didnt pulled away he proudly said, this is my girl!
Following week same thing happened, but I went to dance maybe 30 sec. with a cooworker...then I met the monster, he said i betraid him, its over get my stuff out of the house right now, he cant even look at me. Thought he is going to blow up. So much hate fired from his eyes, never saw that before. Tried to calm him down that it was just an innocent dance didnt even stayed long I came back to him, but he said yeah I hold his hand and he whispered to my ear, maybe that when we meet again. I said NO WAY! in my culture we can dance with others that isnt cheating. He through all my stuff out to the corridor and slammed the door on me 3am. That time I didnt even got mad, felt like he must had a bad memory or something and just overreacting. Next day he emailed that he should have handled the whole ordeal different way, but it opened an old wound, his exwife did that in a bad way. So we were OK again.
Then again he needed his ME time. I went home every other week for 3-4 days, back again but we didnt fight. He stopped drinking again and i stopped smoking. When he doesnt drink , he goes to the gym every day for 3 hrs, he says that takes his mind of, he always did that.
When that big snow came down a month ago my little car just could drive well in it and even i promised to stay in my place for a few days to give him his ME time, but I had no electricity so went back to his place. He was so caring that isnt that so great that you ve got 2 homes honey? and you always can sleep in OUR bed. He rented and SUV, we drove to work leaving my car at his place. Then I said to pick me up after work, he said he wants to go play cards with the boys. So how am I gonna get home? He said find a ride to your place , do you want to be with me 24/7? and c u tomorrow, i want to be alone.
Really? I said you are so inconciderate and you dont need to c me tonight or the next nite then either. From then on he didnt talk to me at work, running away from me. At the end i begged so, he took me home, but he slept on the couch with no talking at all, pushing me away physically. I went home in the early morning. Next day after work I found all my stuff in my car with the car keys and my house key. Returned everything witout any explanation. So did i over reacted? And anyway whats wrong with it if a couple after more than a year wanna be most times together. It was horrible I hit the ground, couldnt eat or move or do anything, same like in June 4months ago. But this time he was way more distance, didnt pick up the phone, didnt answer for 2 days at work didnt looked at me or talked. 3rd day he waved to me and winked at me at work, but I was so mad I was avoiding his contact, and stopped calling him for 4 days. Then I broke down and texted him that i miss him. He said miss me too and go to talk on skype he wants to c me. At work we finally had normal work subjected conversations and he said i left my pillow there and can come over tuesday to pick it up. I told him I am busy but will come over on wednesday. Tuesday morning as Im getting up and opening the blinds, i see him pulling into my drive way, if i wanna go for a ride in his new car. ( was this because it had to be his was? the tuesday) I said where is my pillow? It was at home, but he pulled me close that no hugs? He kissed me and took me out for lunch. We were seeing eachother agian wanted to give me back his keys but couldnt find it...but we were not like before, or at least I felt a big wall between us. I stayed there only 2-3times a week and left early.
Months ago he planned to take me to his family for Thanksgiving, so i requested my vacation for that time. Now he was planning his trip but just saying that: i do this, I go there...so i asked if i am still in the picture to go or not. He said i can go if i want. was so inviting but I said i will. Few days later he was exited about me going there and be introduced to his family. On a mondayI left his place early to run errands but he called me that he is making lunch, so I went back and told him that we wont have much privacy on the holidays so can i come over after work, he said OK. At work he finished 2 hrs before me and as leaving told me, that he is going over to a friend house dont know when he is back he will call. Somehow it hit me that its a lie cause on mondays there is no gethering. I texted him that i m out earlier too where is he? No answer. Called him 3 time: nothing. Drove to his house and saw his car there and the lights on. texted and Called like crazy in case the TV loud but nothing. Then I had a feeling that someone must be there. After 20 min. he replied to a text goodnite thats it. I called him, he let me up with my bags, then i asked whats going on, he said just came home. I said yr car is here for half an hr. So now I am stalking him, i said we agreed that i stay here tonite. He became cold and said it s not working, there is nothing left for us, there is no love, never were, and he wants to be alone, he dont want a relationship, because thats like a marriage what he never want to do again and I better leave now. This sudden ignorance drives me crazy and never understand it. 12 hrs ago everything was Ok, and now not? What happened? he said he wants to date other people, there is not just one woman in life for him. I said so u already seeing someone? He said maybe soon. So i went home. But what is this, that he dont want to be in a relationship, but wanna date , that new person will be a relationship as well, actually got to put more effort in it at the begining. He loves attention when the girls at work all around him,he flirts with them always, but I know till now he didnt cheated on me physically, because we were really nonstop together. He had calls what he didnt pick up when I was there, from other state as exes or flirts I guess, but that wasnt threatening me. One time he flew to another city where was a girl crazy for him and wanted him to stay there instead of a motel, and he told me this, and i said a real man would have guts to tell that woman that he is unavailable because he has got a girlfriend. He said you know i dont say that, but she is not my type dont worry. Then he called me that he told the girl that he has me over a year now, and he didnt meet her. I believe him till today too.
But this timethis girl paying attention and he likes it. He came to me next day and said to go with him for the holiday as friends. I told him I am not yr friend never was, i am yr woman and in that case i m not going. Later he convinced me to go, not to stay home sad at the holidays. So we went drove 8 hrs and after the first day he inrtoduced me as his girlfriend and felt like our fire lid up again. Was so nice to me, hugs kisses as before, nonstop holding my hands. But was it just a show for them or it was for me? I will never know. The last day i figured out from his phone who is that other woman, she text him: honey cant wait to c you, he text back happy holidays good nite, but she is already hooked on him, and he is not strong enough to tell her no,because he wants to look a good person to everyone else except me, because I can handle everything ( that woman is totally different than me, quiet, too nice like its so phoney, but maybe easier to dominate someone like that, because he couldnt totally break me in, but it will be boring for him after a while if someone just always clapping and nodding, he liked me because he said I m so positive, smart and there is a spice in our relationship ) Anyway they not together yet, but kind of as he flirts she thinks they are and she must have been there that monday, even if they just chatting.
When we came back from the holiday kissed goodnite and i asked so what is it now, we see eachother soon? he said he doesnt know what he wants, need to think and its not bad if he just wants to talk to other woman. our vacation ending a few days, he left to NY to visit his son, but didnt call me at all for 2 days even if he promised. Probably calling her. In my head I know I just should walk away, even if at work it will be killing me to see then glancing at eachother and going home together and knowing how nice he can be at first, and she sleeps in our bed on my pillows what i brought there. And I still terrible missing him, wishing him to be with me again just like that 5 days at Thanksgiving. But I know he wont come after me, and this time I want to be strong and not to approach him. I deleted all text, numbers even FB so I wont be able calling him and begging. But I cant avoid seeing him at work, whats killing me. Ive been through break ups and cried but let it go and didnt loose myself. Now I have anxiety attacks not only at nite but daytime too, running stomach every other day, when i m hardly eating anything. First time ever i went to my dr. and asked for some happy pills because i cant operate and do productive things daily, although got a lot piled up on my to do list. I never took medicine before, but I felt that this time I needed help. Just waiting for the phone to ring, but I know it wont, and crying all day. whom I cry for? myself, him or our memories or the new supply? I wanna get over him, because he pulls me down even when we r together, and i know it is not healthy for me, but still why want him so bad? because never had him, beside the first 2 months and the late good 3 months we had? As I read so many other comments that with no contact they still dont get over their N after 8 months, thats scares me. I have to see him every working day and he is my boss!!!I wanna live a complite whole life not thinking of him in the future and be in harmony. Probably wont ever open up for anyone how i did for him, but still got faith to meet a good man, maybe wont be such a big fire and passion, but more respect and care for the other.
I terrible missing him still and dont know why so obsessed with him when he doesnt treated me right most of the time. Rarely I felt secured in our relationship and i still feel like I want to be with him!

Dec 3 - 3PM
KittyRising
KittyRising's picture

As a good friend once told me?

You can ALWAYS clock a man by their generosity towards you. I didn't get Jack for Christmas, Valentine's Day or my 50th birthday from my N. Never make someone a priority in your life that only makes you a... Best wishes that you have happier memories this Holiday Season!
Dec 1 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Agi, dearheart, I want to tell you

that you are at the right place...and that the conflicting thoughts you are having about "missing" someone who treated you so poorly is normal at this stage of your D & D realization. You are a smart woman, Agi. You already have been reading here and reading Lisa's book so you know this "relationship" will never change. You know that even if he were to show up at your door tomorrow and you embrace him wildly and passionately, you will always, always end up where you are now...Feeling insecure, shaky, bad about yourself, confused and depressed. This is the nature of "relationships" with these guys. This guy is a classic, too. The push-pull selfishness of their behavior never ceases to amaze me. Agi, you already know you DO NOT WANT TO CAVE IN THIS TIME, which is a great, great thing. This ups your odds of NOT CAVING. And you are here, which also ups your odds of NOT CAVING. We will help you. Read everything here, the blogs are very helpful and have tips on how to fight obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance (CD--which is what you are experiencing right now). It will help you. Knowledge is power, Agi. You deserve better than this and you do not want to waste more time with this loser. It is particularly tough because you work with him. But you must be strong and pretend like he doesn't exist. Avoid contact, like you had already done. Just do it, Agi, one minute at a time. I know you can! I can tell by your spunk! Choose yourself and reject his CHAOTIC AND DISORDERED LIFESTYLE! Also, as for the healing time...please do not be "frightened". The healing time involves a great deal of work, much of which has, believe it or not, little to do with these disordered freaks and everything to do with fixing ourselves so this will never ever happen to us again. Also, Agi, I am 12+ months out and here to tell you that the healing time has been the best time I have spent (as hard as the work has been) in ages! I am happy and my life is great...including meeting nice, fun, funny and hot non-disordered men. Okay, Agi. Chin up. Suck in a deep breath. One minute at a time tell yourself you will try as hard as you can to remember that being with him was not great at all and that you are missing nothing but self-doubt, lies, manipulation and abuse. We are here to help you. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND WISHING NO ONE WOULD EVER HAVE TO SPIN OVER THESE DISORDERED FREAKS!

spinning

Dec 1 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Agi72
Agi72's picture

Thank you so much

for the uplifting words! I know in my head it will be a right thing to do. Just so scared to go to work tomorrow and he will come and talk to me nice, to look like he is a great person, but he doesnt even care about me anymore and doing the great approach to that new girl, who not even close to my level and totally opposite than me. Well will take a deep breath. Today I went to see my Dr. to give me some antidepressed happy pills, cause i just couldnt leave the house yet for 4 days. Thanks again, I will read your comment over again to strengthen myself!
Dec 1 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

You can do it, Agi, I just know it!

You are taking all the right steps despite the confusion in your head! That is OUTSTANDING. You do not have to engage with him at work. So what if he tries to be nice. YOu owe him nothing and do not have to be nice back. As my sister constantly tells me: "WITH SOME PEOPLE NICE DOESN'T WORK". He chose to pursue other supply so let him live with the consequences of that choice. That means YOU'RE NO LONGER ACCESSIBLE TO HIM. Okay, Agi. Stick here and read read read. You're gonna make it and come out of this better, stronger and HOTTER than ever. It's a process and it's tough, but I know you can do it. I believe in you! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS DAMN GREAT!

spinning

Dec 1 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hark Hark.. All you did was

Hark Hark.. All you did was fall in love with a Narc... Stay here with us and stay the HELL away from him.. Welcome to Narcville.. Hunter