In The Aftermath: What about our children?

One of the most PAINFUL things I'm dealing with now, is the emotional neglect of my children at my hands during the pathological relationship. The aftermath upon my children and slowly being able to LISTEN to how it affected them, has been so very painful. I have had to be VERY realistic in how it affected them and that I gave preference to my ex, and kissing his ass, than my own children. The consequences to them were NEVER deserved.

This is another reason why the pathological relationship is so incredibly dangerous. It doesn't just affect the victim, it affects MANY victims, and the children are the first of the unwilling riders on the rollercoaster.

The pathologicals intention during the relationship, as we all know, is to SOLELY focus on HIM. There is little energy for anything or anyone else. This dynamic creates pain for the children as well as poor examples of what a loving relationship looks like. And as you all know, the pathological could care less. He runs destructively and blindly through life, carrying US with him, thus our children are forced to enter into the pathological relationship as well. His sickness permeates everything in our lives, but our children pay dearly. The extent to which I caused my children so much pain, makes my NC so much more coveted to me. Throughout, they would beg and imply to leave. I did not. I could not, so wrapped up in the trauma bond.

Now that he is gone and I have NC'd this man to the hilt, my relationship with my children, except one, who is a heavy drug addict, and shows pathological traits, is mending. Without the toxicity involved, they have been able to share with me how they felt and be honest and open about it. My tendency is to feel defensive, even now, but I bite my tongue. They deserve my validation. They deserve my attention, and through all of this now, the walls are coming down, with the pathological influences gone and my children and I are closer than we have ever been. I set aside one day a week for a family day. We all look forward to it so much every week. It is a double blessing to see how close my children are to one another, because this was not afforded to me with my own parents, nor with my siblings.

Having suffered all of my life with pathological influences and now walking through the healing process, I'm beginning to see how God mapped this out. He has used me as a vehicle for change for new generations to come. I want my children to know love, from me, consistently and most importantly for one another. Seeing them interact now is a joy I cannot express adequately here.

So if you struggle with NC, if you're still living with your disordered one, look into the eyes of your children, if you have them, and realize that while they say nothing, there is much going on, much that greatly affects them, consequences you will see later if you continue to stay.

We are responsible for seeing to it that our children grow in a healthy loving environment. For those of you who share custody with a pathological, this is very important. My ex husband is a violent psychopath. He is the father of my six children. I'm lucky because he wanted nothing to do with them when I left him, but he has had contact with my children individually as they have reached adulthood, to fake an apology for his abandonment and try to worm his way into their good graces. This has not worked. Why? Because he is disordered and his lifestyle has NOT changed. I let them choose. But some of you feel you don't have choices or are court ordered to share, or just feel morally responsible to do so. Tell me, what does a pathological parent have to offer ANY child that is remotely good, given their need for destruction? Not much. I think the only advice I could give would be to have as little contact as possible, document everything, if he is physically dangerous, get a restraining order. If you can do nothing, if something is out of your control, the pathological will do everything and anything to sabotage your parenting and use the children to harm you. The only thing you can do is, with grace and dignity, just show how much you love your children and healthy approaches to daily living. Eventually they will SEE the differences. People often think that children are naive and don't know what's going on, when often they sense it before we do. LISTEN to them, and be good, loving examples. DO NOT react in front of them about the pathological no matter what he's doing. Let your grace and good mental health be what guides you and gives strength to your children.

And if you're in the relationship, please consider leaving. For the children.

If you're out, heal your relationship with your children. You will be SO glad you did!

And if you're dating ANYONE that seems pathological, bye bye. IT isn't worth it if you have children.

Wishing you all the best in your healing journeys.