After I broke contact and met him: my strange reaction - comments please

As many of you know I decided to break contact after my EX N suddenly appeared here 11 months after his move. The meeting went much better than expected and startled him- he left saying "this is alot to process". He meant the emotional connection that is still there.
He did not say good bye and a week later I have not heard a peep.
A couple things:
I still feel calm and happy. Do you think it is because I we had a "sweet" meeting and knowing this gives me more freedom to be strong about leading my new life ?
Or do you think I am in denial and still on a cloud from the happy reunion?
I can't understand why I haven't crashed with the immediate silence again.
I am actually feeling excited about my vacation.
However, there is a PART of me that wonders if there actually is a chance of reconciliation and now I feel if I follow my plan to move to the new place where there is cheap property and the opportunity to do my sport year round with the best (and still work virtually), that I will destroy any opportunity to see each other again as we will be even more far apart.
Living here in his home town, he will always be returning for his family.It was clear he does not want me to move away - he likes knowing I am here "waiting" which I know is sick. He probably still thinks he moved for a job and did not abandon me but he DID desert me and run wild. He is a passive type who will never beg me back. I know I need more tough talk because I secretly wish he would beg me back. He could not even say "I want to see you" (even though he changed his ticket to see me) so there will never be the kind of direct plea Bada Bing is getting. I know she is having a hard time too but at least her N is willing to put his pride aside and beg for her forgiveness.
Do you think my N will just forget what happened and go back to hanging out with buddies and cheap bar ladies?? I am a total romantic fool and we had a totally romantic connection - no sex, but very tender moments were shared.
Have I grown through the winter to be strong enough to handle the reality of N possibly going silent again with no attempt to heal friendship or do you think I have another emotional ass kicking ahead? I still love him but want to protect myself. Maybe my heart is too numb to get hurt again. I feel ZERO pain that we are not communicating. what is going on? I am glad that I saw him - it took alot of fear and pain away - I could see that I still care for him and that he has NO AWARENESS of himself or his impact on others...
Maybe I am detaching with love??

ifinallygotit's picture

gotta pack, wash my hair and catch a red eye plane now to NY for the deaths...no time to fret...I do listen to you all... Bada bing it was not 11 months NC - it was 11 months since he moved away ps. no word from him
truetotruth's picture

RUN......RUN like hell in another direction. I was 9 months sober, clean THEY DONT change..once i did not do what he wanted me to do he turned on me.... I went back 9 months in a heap of tears and shock. I knew he would do it....I still went....I will post my story of my mistake of breaking N/C soon when I am strong enough. For the love of GOD run. I haven't kept you up to date all of you but I now have the solid proof of what a narc he really is. Guess what all us women that we used by him were liars....even with the proof infront of him he looked me in the eyes teary and swore he never cheated, he admitted to being a repeated liar BUT of course that WAS my fault. I didnt goo goo gaga over his crap. I was cold and strong and when he realized he couldnt creep into me anymore he turned in less than 30 min into the monster I always suspected lived there...... I beg you run!!!!! Hypocrite I know....selfish I know...but run because I had to hide behind a bush outsie a public resturant and fall apart and vomit. Alone. I got back up the differnce now is I am not taking it. I know who he is and with everything I have I will never break N/C again.
michele115's picture

I don't think you're detaching with love, I think you're still hooked and that is okay and normal, especially since there was no genuine closure, so it takes longer. Moreover, they say it takes us 18 months to heal - this is trauma even if he didn't lay a hand on you...it was a stealth psychological attack - and you've invested TEN years. I think what you have is numbness as you admit that secretly you do wish for reconcilliation, but a part of you knows that is not realistic. We go numb as a means of protection when something is too much to bear. Eventually the feelings surface, it just depends upon when we get triggered. The reality is, he's not coming back and he's not healthy or good for you. At a certain point we have to face reality. We can hold the torch for life, but that is not living. This my dear was not a rejection of YOU. It makes no statement of who you are, how desirable you are, how worthy you are...none of that - it has to do with him having a psychological disorder that your nor anyone else can control. I hope that you can come to terms with this soon. It is painful, but we need to face that pain in order to really heal and purge this. Hugs!
BadaBing's picture

From your post I can tell this is heavy on your heart. I haven't been here long, so my two cents isn't worth that much really and take it as you helpful please - I don't have all the specifics of your story. You went NC for a reason , right? It sounds from your post that you are still very much in love with him. I am leaning that whatever transpired between the two of you recently , it allowed something to open up to the idea of having him back in your life. If you are on Cloud 9 right now over the 1st meeting after 11 months NC - you still got it bad. So maybe, just maybe you are in a tad bit of denial about what is really going on - with him. (Is there a prior post about this meeting I can read? let me know) when you wrote : I can't understand why I haven't crashed with the immediate silence again So you are invested again in his choices and you are vulnerable again to being crushed or devastated This EX still has too much power over you sweety and you can't see him anymore you have to keep NC going. I understand you still love him, after 11 months NC that is quite a love! But just like my EX, he isn't good for you long term and you can't give in to the sweetness - just like the flowers - it's camoflouge a disguise! You have to move forward with your life. You may love him a long time, but your life is better without him in it and better if you embrace what else is out there for you! If you don't go you will never know if you stay there, you will always always be waiting for a crumb you deserve so much more !! When you float down from that Cloud you will see that this all makes sense!
spinning's picture

give you a reality check. The entire time he was in your town you were mostly in agony. He didn't keep his word about contacting you and you were left wondering what was up. You were mad at yourself for taking the bait. And mostly he said he wanted to return stuff to you and he ended up going out drinking with his buddies while you were left at home. IFGI, my heart breaks for you when I read this. A person who loves you like YOU DESERVE to be loved, who respects who you are and what you have to offer DOES NOT JUST UP AND LEAVE AND GO SILENT AND NOT CONTACT YOU FOR ALMOST A YEAR EVEN IF IT IS JUST FOR A NEW JOB. IFGI, You have given this guy 10 years of your life and obviously that isn't enough for him. He is off in another town leading another life without you. While you ponder what he is thinking and what will happen if you actually carry on with YOUR LIFE and what's best for you, HE HAS ALREADY DONE THAT! Please step back and look at the situation as if you were a stranger. As if the woman involved were your sister or daughter...You would, I believe, see what I see and say what I'm saying here now. Tender moments are a narc's stock in trade. They are pros and providing them to make sure they continue to have old supply on the hook. In his mind, you two not having sex means he was a gentleman. Forget that he hasn't thought enough of those 'tender moments' to call you or text you to say 'how are you doing?' or 'thanks for the nice evening.' IFGI, what you focus on becomes your life. The longer you focus on this jerk and what he does not bring you the more that will be what you get. When I finally let go of my attachment to the disordered one and the drama and the chaos and the pain, GREAT THINGS HAVE COME INTO MY LIFE. Without even looking I MET A REALLY HOT GUY and we see each other a couple of times a week. I am 53 and never, ever thought his would happen. He's nice, normal, not a jerk, keeps his word, etc. I also am developing a great friendship with another very interesting man, and there's a person in my study group who is becoming my friend as well. People at work notice a change in me, in general I am happier than I have been in YEARS! I have been on my own for a long time, like you. Once I let go, all this came in! Please consider just letting go! I know this is a huge struggle for you as I have been on this board throughout your early days. You made so much progress and I think great things are in store for you when you no longer allow ANYONE to treat you so poorly and LESS THAN. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Love and light to you and I hope this didn't sound mean, IFGI. I truly want you to feel the GREAT THINGS that can move into your life once you move out the trash. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NEVER, EVER AGAIN.

spinning

onwithmylife's picture

I love your post, I hope I can meet a nice guy and wish you all the best, but I do know if the narc had not dumped me I NEVER would have the chance to meet someone else. How did you meet the new beau?
Hunter's picture

I agree with Spinning! All I'm going to say is that you are holding on to someone that is a phony,a liar& user! It's your life to make your choices! Letting go is hard sometimes Its all you can do! Hunter
Used's picture

OH SO WELL PUT, YOU ARE VERY BRAVE AND THIS NEEDED TO BE PUT OUT THERE...AND I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS SO MOVED ON SHE WILL NEVER BE SPINNING AGAINXX
onwithmylife's picture

I think you should take it as CLOSURE in a nice way, which is better than I and others got, who were just dumped , at least you got to see him again and realize you meant as much to a narc as you can, which is really not of any depth to them. If i was in your position, I would move away to live your life and to hell with him, you will never have a REAL relationship with the man, even though it sounds like you still harbor the dream, we all have, and for your future happiness, you will need to LET GO..and move on........to me nothing would be sadder than your staying in a place you have told us you do not like, and pine away for him to make infrequent visits there,life is way too short and we all deserve happiness with the right man!
Puzzle's picture

I think maybe you have found your strength again and through realising what he is you no longer crumble from his silence. I think you are experiencing acceptance. Just don't wait around for him to do his "processing" and come back. My ex and I got back together after 5 months apart...our reunion was sweet and he told me he missed me. He went quiet for a few weeks and I thought he was just processing things. A few years later I found an email to a girl he was trying to pursue after we "reunited" and slept together. He was begging this girl he met speed dating to go out with him. The whole time I thought he was silent because he was thinking....wrong...he was looking for another supply and wanted to keep me around in case. The girl never got back to him, so guess what...he came back to me. If he is silent don't assume he is mulling over his feelings...he is biding his time to find a new victim but keep you in the background. I know this is harsh...but I found out my N did this years later, had I known then I would have been 24 and single and would have gone through this....fast forward I am now 27 and dealing with this again...now I know more about him than I did before. I found all of this stuff out and that is why I left. Just be careful....look forward to your holiday and detach. Sounds like you are doing a great job, you should be proud. Where are you going to for your holiday? x
enpsychopedia romantica's picture

I think what you may have gotten, though it's a bit muddied, IFGI, is a kind of closure. You were able to observe that he cares as much as he can care about anybody. It will never be enough and you deserve much more, but at least you don't feel totally irrelevant to him. This is GREAT! Now you can move on, right?
badjer's picture

I had that kind of sweet reunion. Mine was a passive type - never chased, never admitted to sadness until it was safe to do so, when I made the first move. Didn't chase while we were broken up, but did keep a holiday booking open for us for a month until the deadline in which to get a refund....all very passive, I may care but I will sooner chop my arm off than show it. Our reunion was sweet insofar as he admitted missing me, that we were so great together, we had been shafted by circumstance (my marriage) and he wanted to try again. I played it cool this time round, didn't chase, didn't simper, didn't lose my dignity - except that i did second time round. then he went silent and a little over a week later ended it. At least he is "processing", whatever that means. We all secretly hope they will chase and come running back. They won't, they don't. Their primary goal is self-preservation and they will only show any love or kindness if it is safe and comfortable so to do. if you make it hard for them, like true cowards they run away to find a soft landing pad. Leave, get on with your life, YOU need closure for YOU. Start a new life and be the best person you can possibly be and attract the person who will love and cherish that with all their heart. XX