Affecting other parts of life

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#1 Jul 16 - 8PM
Nicole
Nicole's picture

Affecting other parts of life

Today I feel like I've completely lost control of how unhappy and badly I'm feeling after the N. I'm fighting with my landlord (for good reason) and blew up at work today with my boss, something I can't afford to do. It's not that I don't have good reasons to feel upset about things, but I'm reacting in a way that is off the charts. As if anything anybody does wrong, or manipulative, or now even unprofessional, I can't stand it and have this need to lash out. Today I was told that I'm being perceived as being angry and defensive...ugh. It was awful. I just feel out of control and now I may even lose my job. I just think, well I'm the common denominator in all this, it must be me. And then of course that just once again lets the ex N off the hook in my mind.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Jul 25 - 2PM
liselotte
liselotte's picture

Nicole and everyone else!

watch this documentary on Narcissism and see how normal people, who deal with N's, react and behave.. this is you, me and everyone who was ever involved with such a monster. Egomania http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O96wdo3N2Zg watch all parts!
Jul 24 - 8PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

I exploded at a judge who

I exploded at a judge who was nasty to me in a coy way at a big political function and almost lost my career. the only thing that saved me was a woman judge came to my defense. I had no idea that I was that close to the edge. I immediately got some help on handling feelings appropriately. Getting dramatic in public or with the boss or whatever doesn't serve you. you are just at the end of your rope. Get a therapist who can give you an appropriate forum to vent and learn some anger management. It sounds too terrible that the victim has to be controlled but that is the nature of the abuse system. the victim looks out of control and crazy and the abuser is calm and in control. It gets exposed eventually and the abuser gets the reputation he deserves but it takes time. See if you can get a 3rd party to explain a little bit to your boss that it was not an intentional attack on him it was a response to a bad abuse situation. It might calm the ruffled ego feathers.
Jul 21 - 1PM
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That is exactly what has

That is exactly what has been happening to me in the last couple of weeks... at home, work, with a friend/colleague, with family... it's like my whole world is falling apart... again. Jane http://sadlynomore.blogspot.com
Jul 25 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
liselotte
liselotte's picture

Jane and everyone else!

watch this documentary on Narcissism and see how people who deal with N's, react and behave.. this is you, me and everyone who was ever involved with such a monster. Egomania http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O96wdo3N2Zg watch all parts!
Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

PTSD - do you have these symptoms?

PTSD To recognize PTSD as a real is vital not only for the “significant others” at home. Family members, close friends, employers, etc. must obtain as much understanding about PTSD in order to help the veteran thrive in a civil society. In order for healing to begin both the victim and the people closest to them need to understand and accept that this condition (PTSD) is genuine. The very first aspect of PTSD that requires understanding is that it is not a mental illness. It is a normal reaction to the extreme stress encountered during your experiences. It is important to become familiar with the variety of ways it manifests itself. Stress affects everyone differently. In most cases there are warning signs that indicate a need for active stress management. Check off the signs that relate to you: * Persistent fatigue * Inability to concentrate * Flashes of anger—lashing out at friends and family for no apparent reason * Changes in eating and sleeping habits * Increased use of alcohol drugs, tobacco, etc. * Prolonged tension headaches, lower back aches, stomach problems, pain or other physical problems * Prolonged feelings of depression, guilt, anxiety and helplessness These are just some of the ways that PTSD may be affecting your life. The emotional and psychological stress does not go away simply by leaving it unattended. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My Symptoms

* Persistent fatigue = CHECK * Inability to concentrate = CHECK * Flashes of anger—lashing out at friends and family for no apparent reason = CHECK, but it isn't for no apparent reasons, I feel like I have a reason to be upset... perhaps before I had a higher tolerance threshold than I have now? * Changes in eating and sleeping habits = NO, although sometimes it is hard for me to switch off * Increased use of alcohol drugs, tobacco, etc. = NO * Prolonged tension headaches = CHECK, lower back aches, stomach problems = CHECK, pain = CHECK or other physical problems * Prolonged feelings of depression = SOMETIMES, although I think it is more loneliness than anything else, guilt = NO, anxiety and helplessness = CHECK Jane http://sadlynomore.blogspot.com
Jul 30 - 9AM (Reply to #31)
Nicole
Nicole's picture

Jane

Jane, I just saw your postings. I've been away. I felt the same way about therapy, drugs, etc. People told me the exact same things - it's just a break up, everyone goes through it, get over it, snap out of it. One of the many times my ex N left me, in spring 2006, I had all of the above symptons for months. I forced myself to go to work. I eventually went to my doctor and she prescribed an antidepressant. I, too, felt like he won, like I was a loser. But I took them because I knew I had to do whatever I could to make myself better. I'll be honest, I only took them for a few months, but you need to do anything and everything to help yourself feel better. This time around, I'm now 7 months out. I see my therapist once a week and do not feel ashamed or weak. I had, and still have many, of the symptom except I never drank or smoked. But everything else on the list is a HUGE check. I decided not to take medication this time, but I do take herbal supplements to help me sleep. I developed an ulcer, lost 20 lbs, don't sleep well, lower back problems - you name it. I am 35 years old and a professional for many years. You can't allow yourself to feel like he won. And you can't listen to what others say. Just understand that they probably never went through what you did, and therefore they just don't know. They mean well I'm sure. I started this thread, so you can see that my thinking still strays, but I have to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is - for me and for all of us here - because we're not on earth for the sole purpose to suffer at the hands of people who used us. Please listen to everyone here. I felt exactly the way you did. Seeing a therapist will help you immensely, and if medication can help you focus, help you see things more clearly, and help you to get through all this, my God - take it.
Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #27)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

treatment

are you in therapy? If not, get therapy that treats the PTSD you OBVIOUSLY are suffering with. your tolerance is down BECAUSE OF THE PTSD. Victims can be very reluctant to say they have PTSD - but the only ones they hurt is themselves. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/07/ptsd-as-trauma-disorder-not-psychiatric.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
Jane (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No I'm not in therapy. They

No I'm not in therapy. They would laugh at me if I say I have PTSD from what I went through. People over here think I made a big deal out of nothing. It was a bad relationship: get over it and move on. That's the attitude. I think all the stress from having to catch up with a huge backlog at work, and the lack of support (emotionally and otherwise) from the people around me, coupled with everything that I had to process in the last year revolving around my story with my ex, has finally caught up with me. I don't want to take any pills. If I do, it means he has won. All I want is for people to understand me... some kind of support from my family and at work. Everyone keeps expecting too much from me, I can't take it anymore. Jane http://sadlynomore.blogspot.com
Jul 22 - 9AM (Reply to #30)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jane

I'm very worried about you. It sounds like you are suffering from major PTSD and you need to seek professional help. Taking pills does NOT mean he has won. In fact, it's quite the contrary. You will be eradicating the effects of his brainwashing. The right medication and therapy can help you re-train your brain into positive thinking. He brainwashed you and by seeing a doctor to reverse that, you won't be letting him win. You'll be fighting back. Please do this for yourself. You owe it to yourself. We're here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa
Jul 21 - 6PM (Reply to #29)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

therapy + medication

Jane - for gosh sake get into therapy!! ASAP!!! Stop making excuses and then complaining about the symptoms. Taking pills DOES NOT MEAN HE HAS WON. That's such toxic thinking I won't even address it. You obviously need help! GET IT! If the culture where you are does NOT have medical treatment for PTSD then you can try herbal remedies: Some have found relief in the use of various herbal remedies for anxiety. Kava, the herb that has been the most researched, has been shown to promote relaxation without affecting mental acuity. Valerian is sometimes used for performance anxiety or in the treatment of insomnia. But, some people find that this peps them up rather than relaxing them. California poppy has been shown to relieve mild anxiety and have some pain relieving properties. Hops is an herb that Germany‘s Commission E has approved for the use of anxiety, restlessness, and sleep disorders. It is an ingredient used in brewing beer, as well. Passionflower has been shown to ease anxiety and insomnia caused by worry. Lemon balm not only sedates, but eases headaches related to tension. Lavender calms and relaxes most people. Chamomile not only relieves anxiety, but also helps to settle the stomach. Catnip relieves tension headaches and encourages sleep. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES MIX MEDICATION & HERBALS. ALWAYS tell your doctor what herbal remedies you are taking. You have a golden opportunity to teach people about Pathology. Loan them a copy of WWLP or EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME - and if they still don't get it - they are NOT your friends. Lend the book to a therapist or Doctor and educate them!! Stop worrying what everyone else thinks - take care of YOU. I know you think I don't get it about where you live but I do. You have a golden opportunity to educate others, and perhaps help other women in the same situation as you. He's pathological - NOT JUST A JERK - which does horrible & unique things to your mental & physical health. MAKE NO MISTAKE this is as serious as a broken bone, a heart attack or severe illness. Time does NOT heal this! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 20 - 9PM
cinn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

you too huh?

I lost my job of 6 years just one month ago, I have another job thank god I have good skills. I too was told I had mood swings, one day I was fine, the next I didnt perform to standards, in the beginning of all this three years ago I had to take out a family medical leave from the PTSS I went thru. So which brings me to my point, these freaks destroy every aspect of your life, job, mental health, being able to just functional normal in general. They truly are toxic, some have financially ruined women who have lost everything, guess I am lucky I just lost my job I could have lost a great deal more So we are supposed to go to work, focus like nothing traumatic happened in our lives, meanwhile we have just suffered a horrible injustice that none of us deserved. I laugh when they say, "leave your problems at home", ya thats a laugh because what they did to us is with us 24-7. I think its better though to keep busy, very unhealthy to sit at home and dwell and obsess on it, surround yourself with healthy people. I know awhile back people would say, what has happened to you, you are not the same, what is going on, what are you supposed to say, "Oh nothing I just had an encounter with a psycho" but other than that life is great, I told NOBODY at work what happened, because even if they knew they would still expect you to perform to standards, be gentle with yourself, you have been thru an experience that most normal people couldnt even begin to understand
Jul 20 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mental & physical health effects

don't end up like me - living on Gov't. disability. (I try to run chats here on the weekends because I am saving up tiny amounts of money to get counseling certification but I only have 8% of what I need... ack!) The pathologicals in my life did me in GOOD. Psycho-Boy and exNH were the nails on that box! Atypical MS, a host of overlapping other issues and permanent PTSD. http://www.medpagetoday.com/PrimaryCare/DomesticViolence/9013 http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/ http://www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 8AM
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

me too

I think my mom said those same words to me. Angry and defensive. Maybe I am angry, I have been ripped off. I have wasted almost 11 years on an idiot who doesn't/can't evan love me. And now that I have come out of denial. I can see that it is possible for people to really be that selfish and cold-blooded. I am tired of people not being real and honest and just not caring about me. I have been trying to sell a car my brother left to me when he died. This slimy junk dealer guy kept bugging me about it. I didn't want to sell it to him because I felt he was trying to rip me off. He didn't want to give me much and he kept asking questions about my personal situation. I think he wanted to see how vulnerable I was. So I put it on craigslist and sold it for 200 dollars more that what he wanted to give me. He had the nerve to show up at my house and act all offended that I sold it without telling him. I wasn't too nice when he came to the door. But you know what, I am tired of being nice to erragant jerks who think they can take advantage of my nature. I have been called a bitch for years by my husband, well maybe its time I started really acting like one when it comes to stupid jerks like him.
Jul 17 - 12AM
Marie
Marie's picture

Absolutely!

When life took a tailspin it really almost all crashed and burned. I fell into the worst depression, I hardly ate anything, hardly slept, everyday was just a blur. My business? HA! What business. I run my own company and was pretty washed up when he was through with me. I spent so much time being with him, talking to him I hardly had time for work. When everything began to crashing I had to really scramble to salvage my company. Clients were very unhappy with me, I was blowing deadlines making mistakes; a mess! A year later I'm still in the red but things look promising, I've been working steady since last fall. It's been hard to get back up. Last September after I hadn't heard from him for a month, I sat on my back porch. My garden was a mess all weedy, one whole flowerbed destroyed. I got up and tried to fix things but so late in the season, so much damage just like me it was too late. I sat and cried. My garden was a reflection of my spirit. I was cut off from everyone because I was just so unpleasant to be around. When my daughter came home from school I had to pretend things were ok but there were days she could see I was sad. I didn't like her to see me that way. So yes, I relate well to what you are going through. The anger, the mistrust. All I can say is somehow you have to get yourself together the last thing you need is to lose your job or hurt those that are close to you. You have to remember it's not you.
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

James & Marie

Oh my goodness. Guys that is really awful and I can tell how hurt you have been. Marie - words you use like "threw me away like a piece of trash" and the garden being a reflection of your spirit - you were really broken! Same with James...it seems like you just want peace and healing. I am starting to think with my N...maybe I have dodged a bullet and a life time of broken pieces and hearts here.
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cupcake

All I can say cupcake is even if you "think" he is a Nar. Protect protect yourself and maybe Run run and then NC... All these people ever do is leave behind ruin gardens, job and business losses and alot of broken hearts.
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #14)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re: James

And his girlfriend? What will happen to his girlfriend? Will she go through the same thing? She has stayed with him for 3 years. I am in a place where I stupidly believe I am the only one he treats like this and every other girl he is with is valued, loved and treated like a princess. Everyone but me...I can't help but think that right now!
Jul 19 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake

And his girlfriend? What will happen to his girlfriend? Will she go through the same thing? Not sure if this question is directed at me or you are just asking it in a general way.. But my opinion it it very hard to say. Why? Because it depends mostly on what the girlfriend is like, what's she is giving him (oh, he is getting something or she be history). How much BS she is willing to put up with him. So many questions because we are each unique and each one with different issues and personal expectations. In short no one really knows these answers other then the gf herself. As for the guy in question well, like a any child feed him and he will be happy. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wrong

http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/nicer.html and if you think you're the only one.... I'd bet my next disability check you are DEAD WRONG. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #16)
Marie
Marie's picture

Listen to Barbara

Cupcake, listen to Barbara. Anyone these guys get involved with is not treated any different. Just reading everyone's stories on here should tell you that it's as if they are all working from the same script. Mine has an ex wife that didn't want him back, he told me about the lady before me and how he destroyed her life. I'm sure there are countless others. Sure in the beginning all is wonderful but eventually they tire of the game or find new prey. Don't be jealous of these other women, pity them. I was once jealous of the other woman he is involved with. Now, I feel sorry for her. She is married and has two small children. If she gets caught, she risks losing her kids. He can't support her or her kids and I'm pretty sure he'll become non existent to her should she get the can. Be happy you found him out before you moved in with him, married him or had kids with him. Easy to say, I understand your pain but believe me you lucked out.
Jul 19 - 7PM (Reply to #19)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Marie!

Thanks Marie...everyone's stories and wisdom/experience are helping here. I am at the tip of the beginning of starting to think I am lucky that I am not his girlfriend. I should feel sorry for her and I am starting to. Maybe she will be on here in a few years or so broken hearted too and that doesn't make me happy. I don't want her to feel the worthless way I do nobody deserves that. I think you are right...I am happy I was disscarded before he could take anything else from me. When I 'had him' it wasn't even that great I spent most of the time stressed and unhappy. Thanks Marie!
Jul 17 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
adeline (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Listen to Barbara 2

Cupcake-- I thought the same thing you did...that somehow I was the only one who was getting the bizarre boomerang crappy treatment from him...but if you pay attention to things they say about other relationships, you realize that it's not just you. For example, my exN had LOTS of friends that were girls (of course, right?) but I remember one instance in particular when he told me that in one of his relationships his gf at the time had insisted that he get rid of two of his closest friends that were girls...friends he said that he had had for years...which he did. I of course asked him if he was going to reconnect with those friends (if they WERE such good friends) and he said that no, for them he felt it was the last straw and that if they wanted to reconnect, the could, but he wouldn't. Translation? The girls were probably sick of the cycle, too. That told me something at the time...it told me that any girl involved with this guy in any capacity is getting the same treatment. Some he might pull closer, some he might charm more, but it was the same story. It was also interesting to me, too, that he COULD just leave people he was so close to without seeming to have any emotional reaction to it at all. Which should, of course, scare anyone involved with a N because they'll do the same thing to you, and it's only a matter of time before they do.
Jul 19 - 7PM (Reply to #18)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Adeline!

Thanks Adeline..I think I might keep re-reading these posts it sure is helping. "any girl involved with this guy in any capacity is getting the same treatment." Well I guess I can believe that! I'm starting to think about her...maybe she's not so lucky! Maybe when he was with me for whole weekends etc she was sitting at home crying and more stressed out then I was about him. I think he liked to message us at the same time ie if he was with me he would sneak out to his phone in the middle of the night and looking back I am sure he was calling or texting her. He would text and call me at funny hours sometimes - maybe she was waiting in bed for him. I think he enjoyed it. It gives him a thrill and excitement to get away with it maybe? I'm starting to think Barabara and Marie...maybe this guy is a jerk??!
Jul 17 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Now that's sad

I sat and cried. My garden was a reflection of my spirit. I too had a garden and it too went to the weeds. Plus my work suffer too at my job. In fact I remember losing that position due to all the stress during that time period. All the stuff I once took pride and joy in went to the dogs for a awhile... http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #10)
Marie
Marie's picture

My garden

Like me, my garden has been making a come back. It is in bloom, mostly weed free and way more tidy. One bed still in recovery but so am I. I hope things have improved for you.
Jul 17 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My Garden

So good to hear Marie, and yes like you flowers will grow with Sun Dirt Water and a little bit of Tender Loving Care. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 16 - 8PM
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Can I relate? You bet U!

Nicole, Has anyone else experienced this? Can I relate? You bet YOU! The aftermath of any dysfunctional relationship will leave behind residue of fear pain and raw emotions. One main reason I feel many seek outside help through counseling therapy and/or spiritual guidance. We found it sometimes hard to deal with outside stress and are quick to defend and attack if one feel manipulated or used. Many times our emotions and mental psychic is so raw we need help through chemical therapy. Reading and researching about *Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can help us understand these episodes and how best to deal with them. I also stress therapy, having found it help me so much to talk with a person face to face. It’s this interpersonal connection that can help as well. I do warn people to be find a therapist that understands personality disorders and those affect by it. Can I relate? You bet YOU! * http://www.bing.com/health/article.aspx?id=articles%2fmc%2fpages%2f0%2fDS00246.html&q=ptsd
Jul 16 - 8PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nicole

That is interesting, you made me think of what I'm currently experiencing which is sort of the opposite (I had some rage too in the beginning). I find my attitude is more "whatever" lately. At work, I've taken on a whole new role in addition to my other one. Someone asked me, 'aren't you NERVOUS about all this?? I said 'Yes'...she said 'you don't look it at all!' I think I'm in comfortably NUMB mode. I find I'm reading into my moods way too much and what they mean. I hate that I'm over-thinking these things now...I used to never be so self-aware...not to mention 'environment aware'. Life doesn't have the natural flow it used to.
Jul 16 - 8PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Hi. I haven't actually

Hi. I haven't actually blown up at work... but I've come close. I complained on here a few weeks ago that I was seeing everybody as manipulative and felt like I had lost all interest or empathy for anybody else. My patience for everybody was very short. I just felt angry all the time. The interesting thing is that I'm still feeling that way quite a bit and I just want to be by myself. Feel very very protective of myself... like when I'm out in the world I feel very vulnerable. But my break-up is very very recent and he is still Mind F'ing me... but I'm feeling less hostile toward others as each day passes. It depends on the day... but I am starting to feel just a tad bit better. I think what you're feeling makes perfect sense! Take a deep breath.