Adoette's Story

First of all, I want to thank those of you who have posted your stories. You have given me the courage to write and post mine. Deep breath, here goes...(my heart is pounding as I post this)

30 years ago I broke my N's heart and according to him, caused all the ills in his sad and pathetic life from then until now. We had a small flicker of a romance (I was 13, he was 15) and I broke it off. He was devastated. We have had very little contact since high school (I saw him at a reunion 10 years ago).

When I saw him on FB two years ago, my heart skipped a little. His eyes grabbed me. As we reconnected, there were sparks and I decided to address that (like, “Hey, maybe we shouldn't be communicating...?”). He jumped on that with a vivid and crass email, describing how he would plan to come and f**k me and this could be good for him. Initially I freaked out (I'm married.), but then dove into the affair. As far as my marriage goes, it was and is solid. (Not that we don't have things to work on.) We enjoy each other, laugh a lot and the sex is plentiful and good. I was not escaping my marriage, per se, but I was using my N as an escape. Also, it was something that was MINE.

My N lives across the country, so our relationship consisted of texting, chatting, calling, and plenty of cybersex. I was having a bit of a midlife crisis and the adrenalin rush and attention were intoxicating and addictive. I called it love and thought we had something cosmic and deep. He did know me in a different way; and he is a brilliant, funny, and intuitive man who is saving the world with his work.

From the get-go he was distant and stingy with his affection. It drove me stark raving mad. I lived for his texts and the smallest toxic scraps he'd throw my way. I was in a constant state of anxiety. I had insomnia because I'd look for him and wait for him at night. I was exhausted and walked around in a fog. I cursed time and measured it by the hours between contact. I worked like the devil to be less needy, less clingy, calmer, cooler, everything I thought would make things right. Time after time after time I would tell myself, “Do not initiate.” Many times I honestly thought I would go insane.

Because of his neglect and dismissiveness, I broke it off with him no less than ten times during our two years together. I tried ending it with flattery, fury, and let's just be friends. I would go weeks without him and know that I was better off without him. But it would only take the slightest hovering (I never re-initiated, it was always him coming after me.) and I would jump right back. And, as you can guess, as soon as I re-entered, he'd go right back to ignoring me and keeping me off balance with his bizarre and unpredictable ways.

Though there were flowing moments, for the most part our communication was laborious and strained. He would misunderstand me all the time. I was constantly analyzing what I said, if I could contact him, what he said, what he meant, etc. I played things over and over and over again in my mind, obsessing about what he said. If he did something wrong and I dared to confront him; I would leave the conversation apologizing! It always ended up being my fault. He hated to be challenged. Our chats consisted of him going on and on and on about how depressed, afraid, confused, overwhelmed, and trapped he felt. He was in a constant state of disrepair and panic. He rarely asked me about myself and would be watching one or two TV shows while we chatted (Oh, gee, I feel so special.).

He was also into sadomasochism. The cybersex scenarios would be rough and violent. He would send me videos of women being abused in the name of erotic adventure. I did play along some (it was naughty and exciting, on one level), but would stop him when he talked about choking me. He said things to me in the heat of the moment that were very threatening. He threatened me often, saying things like he would never let me go and hinting that bad things that would happen if I lever left him. He often referred to me as his. “You're mine,” he would say. He was obsessed with porn and his own package. It was exhilirating at times, the cybersex, but my favorite secret is that I faked it every time.

This January our relationship shifted and we started becoming more intimate emotionally, relying on each other more, sharing more. That's when his cruelty escalated. He was snarky all along, but he became downright mean. He called me names, put me down and dismissed us or me repeatedly.

The final straw was when he told me to protect myself because he's having only angry feelings about everyone. (He'd get angry at the world, and since I'm part of the world, well, then, he'd be angry with me. “Geesh, woman. Can't you understand that?”) I texted him and told him I needed a break (knowing good and well that it was over).

It has now been 40 days of NC. My quality of life has increased dramatically. There have been moments of grief, but I have wept so many tears for this man, that I think of it like a terminal illness. I've been grieving for two years, essentially, and now I'm just relieved that this sick and lifeless relationship is dead.

I'm still anxious about what he will do next. He has contacted me a few times with very small comments, but nothing elaborate. I have not responded to him. He is mostly blocked, but I kept him as a friend on FB because I worry that he'll out me on FB and I want to keep an eye on him. I know it isn't ideal, but I'm too fearful to let go of that yet. He might expose me, but if that happens, I will just have to deal with it then. I made choices. I may have to pay for them more dearly than I already have.

I realized he was an N about 10 days ago, and wow, what a huge huge huge help that has been. I feel like I can see clearly now and most of my romantic or nostalgic notions are gone. To read about everyone's experiences is so cathartic. I am working towards understanding why I let this happen, why I let the abuse continue, and living in hope as I do so. I have one confidant that has been there hearing my story along the way, but it's been a lonely journey to hell and back. I am grateful for this community. I immediately felt the love and support through your comments to each other and encouragement. I believe this time I can do it. I have to.