actually i am not guilt free

I just read Lisa's book today and I found myself questioning if I was a narcissist too. I am guilty of doing the same things. I think it is a learned behavior from them. I used the silent treatment because I knew he couldn't stand to not have my attention. It was the only thing that seemed to work to get some kind of reaction from him. I know I have empathy maybe too much. He always told me that I am way too sensitive and care too much about others. He could never understand why I did nice things for other people. You are not crazy. I am just starting to realize the mind games that my husband was doing to make me feel that way.

Whether or not you yourself have engaged in dysfunctional or immature behaviors, only you can decide. However, I think there are a few points to reflect upon here. How to negotiate disagreements and express sentiments depends on communication skills. There is a language of words whereby we express ourselves. And emotions are symbols for certain meanings. Weeping is a symbol of sadness, etc. (My N was BIG into weeping. Human beings react to weeping and can rarely ignore tears.) ANGER is an emotion which human beings back away from & others will cave to demands to make the anger go away. (My N used my fear of his anger to get all sorts of concessions from me.) I noticed myself engage in behaviors where I questioned my emotional maturity. The old "push-pull" thing. Well, I would try to reconcile with my N. Sometimes when I tried to hug him to make up -- I would feel myself repelled by him. I would want to get away. And often I would feel this desire to get away. I reflected on my own "intimacy" issues a lot. (And my N was always telling me that I had "intimacy" issues -- projection. And then when I thought I was what he told me I was this equals projective identification.) Once I left my N & started to come out of my PTSD -- I realized that I was repulsed by HIM because he was COLD & VACANT & CREEPY. When I tried to connect to him -- there was nothing to connect to. This had a chilling effect upon me. My N is a psychopath -- he has little or no empathy & was a very vacant person emotionally. I wanted to get away because I was afraid of him & with good reason, but I was in denial. He was my husband. I loved him. He told me he loved me. Then I felt crazy & paranoid because I thought he was out to get me & was just plain mean. After I left, when I figured out he was a psychopath, my feelings were correct--run, his modus operandi is to destroy you because that's what pychopaths do--they destroy. The "Slient Treatment." Mine used that a lot. That was his way of getting a message across. So, if that's how it is done in Rome -- well, if the victim has a particular message to get across, she may too use the "silent treatment" to communicate to N her displeasure at what he does. Hey. A calm "talking" does not work. So, use the language N uses. One is not going to speak at the level of a PhD to a 3 year old. One speaks in a language which the other will understand. The silent treatment is common even among those who donot have personality disorders. But generally silence lasts only a short while, less than an hour. I know I did this too. But when I experienced the three-day silent treatment with my N -- I dropped the silent treatment as a means to get others to do as I wanted. Boy. I learned that is just so painful. So I matured a little on that score. "Drama Making." Well, this is the opposite of the silent treatment. Same thing. If the person does not recognize a calm statement of what one wants, but does react to "histrionic" behavior (drama) -- well then one becomes a drama queen as well. (Mine was a huge drama queen. But I was not raised that way & did not do that. Mine accused me of being a "cold" and "passionless" woman because I was not histrionic like he was.) There is a wonderful book & movie called "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." A healthy & sane child was placed into a mental institution at a young age. He started to act retarded & mentally ill. It was the way to communicate. Later when he was a young adult there was a realization that he was a "normal" person! Based on a true story. He had to learn how to act normal. When one lives with a peron who "wears the mask of sanity" -- one becomes kinda crazy too. It happened to me. I started to "feel crazy." Part of it was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Part was that my N was always telling me that I was the crazy one. He was projecting his craziness on me & I was identifying--projective identification. A pathological relationship is very complicated. It is very difficult to sort out at times who is the abuser. Everything becomes so twisted. This is why one must get away. No contact. It's too complicated. And one cannot ever be normal with these people because they are not normal. They have personality disorders. They seem normal for awhile (the mask)--but their disorder is always there and will reveal itself at fixed or random intervals.

You really have nothing to feel guilty about. Honestly, those were all 'normal' reactions to dealing with an abuser. If you start labeling him as an emotional abuser, it might help you see things differently. He caused you to have to 'fight' for him on a constant basis, which put you in a constant state of stress. No way to live. Let him go in your heart and mind...little by little, daily. Stay NC. He is a game player. An abuser of the mind and soul. Don't let him rape your soul and mind, anymore. Forgive yourself. That's huge, and that was the final stage for me in all this. Hang tough.

You are not guilty of jack shit. You were reacting to a bad situation. PLEASE STOP THIS NOW!!! You are not a narc, BPD, or any of the rest of this. You were sick and tired of being screwed with and had every right to freak out at his cheating lying ass. You are grasping here. Looking for excuses and self blame so that you will have a reason to contact him again. This is classic codependent behavior to start doubting yourself and feeling bad for being human and looking for a big fat excuse to contact him and tell him all the new things that you realize now. DON'T DO IT!!! You are doing good here and you deserve better than him and his game playing and head trips. There is nothing wrong with you aside from the fact that you were duped by a PRO. Stay NC, you are NOT NOT NOT the crazy one by any stretch. God bless, Goldie

The normal reaction to the crazy tactics, sustained and ongoing, of an NPD is that one eventually loses the rag. It is impossible not to. Sure, as far as the NPD is concerned, that is supply too! One loses ones patience, and I can tell you all that a few times I gave him the dressing down of a lifetime. LOL. He was quite taken aback, almost bewildered. And of course, why did I bother, I ask myself. After all he had not done anything wrong, so why was I berating him.. But I am glad I did, and I feel good too that I always stood up to him (not that it made much difference!). Hermes

They cause all the crazy making trust me.. You're thinking is good.. Everyday you get so much stronger... Hunter

They are you trying to protect yourself, your wise self trying to preserve your heart and sanity. I think we often get this confused - when we do the behaviors you mention ( I did them all too)- we did not do it to inflict harm on the other, No- not at all- We had major harm inflicted on us- so we had to pull away, we had to go silent and yes- we even became "drama filled" because they drove us crazy by their gaslighting and lies. You have to be very clear on this. I see women on here do this alot- call themselves Narcs when the behavior we exhibited was quite different in its intent. Our intent was to save ourselves from hell, while their intent was to put us in hell.