The abuse can be so subtle, you question your sanity

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#1 Apr 11 - 2AM
fear for my sanity
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The abuse can be so subtle, you question your sanity

I have joined this forum because I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am 50 years old and have been married for 27 years to the same man. I love him and he is fundamentally a good man but he is a total workoholic. He leaves the house at 7am and often isn't home till 10 or 11pm. Maybe once a week, he might get home by 8pm. This has put a strain on our relationship as I feel that spending time with me is at the bottom of his list of priorities. I used to get quite upset about this but over time I have become resigned to it though I have felt desperately lonely and my self-esteem has suffered as a consequence. I have always put the needs of my family before everything else and now that my children are grown up and have left home, I have tried to fill the gap somehow. I am an artist and I also work part-time at a University for art as a Support Worker for mature students with physical, mental and learning difficulties. For several years this job has helped me to feel like I had a purpose outside of my family. To know that I am helping someone to achieve their goals is very satisfying. It was whilst doing this job that I met the man who has almost destroyed what little self esteem I had left. It is only with hindsight that I realize all the groundwork he put in to be able to abuse me mentally and emotionally afterwards. He was a student (11 years younger than me) on the same degree course as the student that I was supporting (a man of 58 with physical and mental health problems). Due to the nature of my student's disabilities, I had to be with him the whole day. The N gradually befriended my student, V, and seemed to form a strong bond with him, helping him and socializing with him even outside of college. N seemed to have a lot of problems of his own and used this to empathize with V. N seemed to have a great sense of humour but at times would be really depressed and he put this down to the fact that his wife had left him for another man 13 years ago and he had had a breakdown because of it and hadn't been able to work since then. He had had a girlfriend in recent years which seemed to be an on/off relationship and according to him, she was the one who was reluctant to move on with her life and was behaving badly towards him and making his life miserable. All the while, he seemed to be so kind towards V and would hang around with us during the days at college. Needless to say, I was really impressed by his seeming compassion. Looking back, I realize this was all part of the master plan to make me think he was a wonderful person because he needed me to tell him what a wonderful person HE was. He told me I was the most incredible person he'd ever met and he felt that I could really help him get his life sorted out and that he was so grateful to have me as a friend. He knew exactly how to get to me. I am not the sort of woman that would fall for a guy based on superficial things and I have never been unfaithful in 27 years of marriage. We gradually developed a friendship. We had a lot of interests in common - art, music, philosophy etc. In spite of his underprivileged background he was a very intelligent guy - he would have to be to play the games he played with my mind! All this time, I wasn't doing anything underhand, I recounted everything to my husband, I visited art exhibitions with N, he came over to my house and met my husband and children. I even invited him to spend Christmas Eve with us because he said he would have been alone otherwise. He started to text me several times a day and want to talk to me most days on the phone, always about himself, though occasionally he would surprise me by appearing to be concerned for me, and each time he did, I started to think he was more wonderful.It wasn't long before I started to feel guilty because I was having feelings for him . Although we had very deep conversations, we never touched each other. I never even sat close to him. As for V, N completely dropped him and stopped talking to him, telling me that V had taken advantage of his kindness. Really, it was N who had used V to get to me. I should have heeded the warning! He got a part-time job for the first time in years but after a few months he said he couldn't stand it any longer because he was being bullied by a woman at work. He was paranoid that things were being said behind his back and said that the job was making him deeply unhappy. I tried to help him to see that it wasn't like that and to see the benefits of the job for his longterm career prospects. He was a very heavy smoker and said he had started smoking dope again because of the stress of work.He didn't like the fact that I encouraged him to stay in his job. Whilst visiting him once, I met his ex-girlfriend as she would often stay over rather than go to her parents house where she still lived as it was further from her work. They would share the same bed on these occasions as it was the only one in his flat but he said that nothing ever happened between them because he wasn't really interested in sex. Strangely enough, although I had feelings for him, I wasn't even slightly jealous, so I'm not quite sure what the nature of my feelings were. I have never met a more insecure woman in my whole life - she could barely look at me, she was so nervous! N started to tell me that she was extremely jealous of our friendship and was making his life hell. It was like I was supposed to feel bad about that! His ex encouraged him to leave work, said she would help him out, which was exactly what he wanted to hear. I suspected then that he had used our friendship to make her feel even more insecure so that in spite of her past experience of abuse, she wanted to move back in with him and help him out financially so that he didn't have to go back to work. He said that he wouldn't be able to contact me or see me as often any more because he had to keep his ex sweet. All the time he was saying that they were just friends and that he had no other feelings for her. At this point I made the mistake of telling him that I had feelings for him that I felt very bad about and that it was probably a good idea to have less contact.I also questioned him whether it was fair on his ex to invite her to move back in with him when she obviously still had feelings for him and he didn't for her. I thought that once things were out in the open, we could deal with it. I confronted him about what he'd done to his ex and me, the way he deliberately befriended people with low-self esteem and flattered them so that they would in turn tell him what he wanted to hear. He was furious with me and wouldn't talk to me for a while and when he did, he accused me of calling him a psychopath when in fact I had been very gentle and compassionate in the way I told him. I was so naive, thinking I could make him see the error of his ways! We carried on seeing each other once a week in college (only in the lunch break) and about once a month, when we might visit an art exhibition together. The sad thing is that we did genuinely have a lot of interests in common that would have made for a perfectly healthy, normal friendship if he hadn't chosen to mess with my mind instead. Inevitably, things came to a messy end. He kept telling me that his ex, now living with him, was still extremely jealous and making his life hell and why couldn't she be more like me! One evening I had several calls on my cell phone from his cell phone but when I answered, he'd hung up. I thought at first that he must have phoned me by mistake so I texted him to let him know. I had no reply and then another 2 calls where the same thing happened, so I called back because I was worried that something was wrong. He answered and said he'd phone me the next day and explain. The next day he phoned me and said that his ex had snooped in his emails and found emails we had exchanged where he had told me how wonderful I was and I had expressed concerns about my feelings and that she was threatening to tell my husband (she's never met him).She had been the one phoning my cell phone the previous night. By this time I was so emotionally wrung out, both from my husband's neglect and N's mental and emotional manipulation that I even offered to set up the call between them. N said no, but we must never have any contact again. Yet again, he had managed to set himself up as the victim and his ex and myself as the ones that were complicating his life, when we have done nothing but try to help him through difficult times and never demanded anything in return. I feel so sorry for his ex (they are still living together)and fear for her mental state as she is in a far worse position than I've ever been.I gave up my job at the college so that I didn't have to see N again and feel I can no longer work with people with mental health difficulties for fear of being manipulated again. In the last 7 months I have only seen N once, briefly,on a day I had to go into the college. He was cold and distant but hugged me in front of the others. The thing I'm finding hardest to deal with is that I don't know if I can trust my judgement of people anymore. I thought I was quite a discerning person but my lack of self-esteem made it so easy for N to fool me. To feel so happy that somebody seems to appreciate your good qualities and then to find out it was all a lie has hurt me so deeply that I don't know if I'll ever recover. Then the guilt I feel towards my husband for having allowed someone to get under my skin like that. I can't even talk to him about it because I fear he will just see it as weakness and betrayal on my part. Also, since the beginning of the year he has had a health scare which still isn't resolved and which has worried us both terribly so I felt I couldn't add to the worry.I haven't talked to anybody about it because I'm not sure anybody would understand. Sometimes I think I may be starting to get over it and then suddenly I will have a panic attack and I'm back to square one, sleepless, tearful and not wanting to leave the house or see anybody. I'm sorry that this has ended up being such a long story and probably sounds quite mild compared to the abuse that some of you have suffered at the hands of your N. It's so hard to put into words what has happened because the abuse is sometimes so subtle and insidious that it almost sounds like it's not abuse at all. All I know is that what happened to me has left me feeling suicidal at times. Just the fact that I could even think of leaving my family in this way makes me feel so guilty. Last night, I couldn't sleep at all, I really felt I was going mad. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for being such a fool. I have always been someone that people feel they can trust but now I don't even know if I can trust myself. There may be no cure for NPD, but is there a cure for me?

Apr 12 - 7AM
momoya
momoya's picture

Welcome

you wrote "The thing I'm finding hardest to deal with is that I don't know if I can trust my judgement of people anymore. I thought I was quite a discerning person but my lack of self-esteem made it so easy for N to fool me. " I felt the EXACT same feelings of doubting my judgement. How did I not see? I really believe that you can get over this & and gain better judgement & create healthy boundaries by educating yourself about this disorder. I can't tell you how much I read after the N dissapeared.I had a strong desire to understand him. Knowledge really IS empowering and validating! Please take the time to read the great blog posts here or do your own searches. You do NOT hold all the blame or fault and you do not have to carry all this guilt. The fog is intense when we leave these relationship and the confusion is a common feeling. What you are feeling and expressing is totally normal and the fact that you can look back on this situation and have the perspective you do right now shows that you are capable of healing from this experience and one day overcoming this pain.

momoya

Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Momoya

Thank you so much for saying that...it is so important that as many people who can, share, support and validate the newer member's fears. It demonstrates that they are not alone and there are many who have walked this path. You having been through the process for a while, helps shore up what I'm saying because you are an example of someone who came here broken just like me and have gotten to the other side. So thank you so very much for dropping in and please join us whenever you can. Hugs!
Apr 11 - 5PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Fearformysanity

I am so sorry that you went through this. It is soul shattering to say the least to learn that you have been manipulated and conned by someone who lacks empathy and essentially faked an entire relationship. Many describe this as an emotional rape and many who experience this stealth form of abuse can't even articulate what happened because of the lack of awareness. The symptoms you are describing may be related to PTSD which many victims suffer from when getting out of the relationship. I too had a difficult time because the abuse was covert. You are in the right place, early in my recovery I clung to the board for dear life. I too felt I was going insane. You are not alone and I encourage you to get it out, share your thoughts, feelings, ask questions. The first three steps in recovery are: 1. Understanding it 2. Getting it out and 3. Committing to No Contact. We work on the first three steps in the Share your Story section. Today is my first day moderating this section; however, I invite you to share, and get it out so that you can purge some of this as it is only in understanding it, processing it and getting it out that we can move forward and release the pain. I wish you all the best on your journey... Hugs!
Apr 11 - 9AM
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Fear for my sanity -We understand!

I truly do understand. You are not going mad. You are someone people can trust. You are a caring and loving person. Our stories are similar. I'm 51, married 27 years in a very lonely marriage and at a crossroads on what I need to do about it. Then -- two years ago I meet the N at work, and I don't think he has left my brain since then. Be kind to yourself!!!!!
Apr 11 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

Thank you

Thank you for your understanding. It truly helps to know that someone is in a similar position to myself. The thing I find the most difficult is not being able to talk to my husband about it as we usually share all the important things that happen in our lives. How have you coped with this situation? Does talking to someone else, a friend or a therapist, make up for not being able to talk to your husband. I love my husband and have no desire to be with anyone else. All I want is a little more of his time and attention which I feel I deserve but I feel that if I was to tell him what happened to me, our marriage might suffer irreparably as a result. I welcomed N into our home and tried not to be deceitful towards my husband. N and I never so much as held hands but I still feel so guilty for my feelings and for not running a mile the moment I started to have them. Looking back, N played on my sense of loyalty right from the beginning. At the start of our friendship he asked me if I thought we would always be friends. The question took me by surprise and he explained that people always seemed to leave him and he couldn't bear the thought of it happening again, so I reassured him that I have never fallen out with any of my friends or abandoned them and I had no intention of making an exception in his case. He seemed so scared and vulnerable but now I see it was just an act so that I would be the one to feel responsible for our friendship. Still not sure of the way forward from here. Thanks for your help.
Apr 11 - 7AM
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

It is subtle and insidious.

The Narc gets off on this abuse. He knows what he's doing, it's like a game of cat and mouse, where he is the cat and you are his prey. He is toying with you. It's yet another way he exerts his "control" over you. This subtle stealthy abuse is also known as "Gaslighting". It is very difficult to pinpoint gaslighting, tough to prove and hard to understand unless you've experienced it; but it is very real. Gaslighting gets its name from the 1944 film that featured Ingrid Bergman where her husband was trying to ambiently make her think she was losing her mind --- the self-doubt he instilled in her gave him control over her. Googled it: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=gaslighting&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq= You are not alone! And you are NOT crazy!!!
Apr 11 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

Thank you

Thank you for sharing your insight with me. As with a lot of things we see and read about, we never think it's going to happen to us. How naive of me to think that by trying to be a good person, I would be safe from people like N! I really thought I was wiser than that, but I guess loneliness makes people vulnerable to all sorts of predators out there and when they are such good actors as N was, it is very difficult to not fall victim to them. I will be a lot more careful in future but my worry is that I have stopped trusting people. I even feel like I'm being manipulated by my husband sometimes which is crazy because, although he has his faults like all of us, he is nothing like N! I felt very angry, hurt and confused at first and I have tried to channel all that energy into doing something good. I've taken up swimming 3 times a week as I find that physical exercise helps to release some of the anger and I recently completed a 200length swim (5km)in aid of Marie Curie cancer care. Doing something positive has helped to restore a little of my self esteem but I still have a very long way to go and the last few days it all hit me so hard again. Thanks for your understanding and reassurance. I really appreciate it.
Apr 11 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

fearformysanity

I think that is one of the hardest things to come to grips with, that we've been violated in such a way, especially when we know how we operate...from a good place, a loving place and we trust someone and assume that for the most part they are operating on similar principals. This was probably the biggest thing for me to accept and I can relate and identify with your whole perspective in people in general being affected - nonetheless, as you continue to heal, little by little you will begin to regain your faith. Those feelings are all part of the experience as well. Just be kind to yourself, don't push yourself, share what you want to share with whom you want to share with. I found for me, for a time, I was a bit hypervigilant, I was triggered a lot by what people said and did..it's all part of the "trauma" from the psychological violation you suffered. Again in time, as you learn more, process more and get more centered, I believe you will find the middle ground again.