abandonedandhurt's story

Was I engaged to a narcissist?

I met my ex fiance at a school where we both worked.I was the school social worker and he was the school resource officer in a small town. We started to run a civil rights team together, and occasionally had to interview children together. The first year I was there he bought me a birthday present. I am half native american and it was a collectors native american doll.It struck me as a bit odd to get a gift, but being new to the school and since we were working together I thought maybe this is just the sort of thing he did. He asked me out to lunch one day and I went thinking it was a working lunch. I talked about the civil rights team and he paid for the lunch. He didn't ask me to lunch again after that but we always hugged a friendly hug when we saw each other. At one point when visiting me in my office he asked me if I would ever date anyone like him. I asked if he meant a police officer and I said yes because I came from a long line of police officers. He said no, someone like me? I said yes you are a great guy, but we are both married so it is a moot issue. He didn't ask me anything like that again. He was promoted in the PD to lieutenant and so was not the SRO any more, but he would stop in to see me sometimes if he were in the building.
I asked him to go to lunch again several times, and he would say yes but would never arrange it. It became very clear he had no intention of going to lunch with me again and I didn't understand it. I thought we were friends. Skip to 3-4 years later my marriage was failing and in a conversation with the new SRO I talked about it. They work for the same PD. In the meantime my friend got promoted to Police Chief and I was so proud of him and wanted to be at the ceremony where he got sworn in,but he would not be clear with me on the date of that, and then I found out it had happened and I missed it, he didn't have me there, and I wondered why not. Other friends had attended. After I told the SRO about my marriage failing, the next thing I know the police chief friend is coming to see me every day in the school. He started talking to me about my failing marriage, what was going wrong, started telling me he wasn't happy in his. and that we both deserved to be happy. He wanted to go out for lunch, for a drink after that to talk. Then he bought my ticket to an employee retirement party and did not bring his wife. He said he was going to get divorced, and knew that I was planning that too. We started seeing each other and planned the divorces. His was first, mine 2nd. I had teen age children.He had one grown child from his 1st marriage, that he was not in her life while she was growing up. Oh yeah, my red flag? He left 3 wives counting this current one, but he swore that he always admired me, that he was always attracted to me, and that I was his one true chance for happiness, and that I would never be alone the rest of my life if I divorced to be with him now. I was not prepared to take over my house and all alone, and he swore i would NEVER be alone, that he would love me forever. That no one could love me more than he did. He professed love to me within weeks of seeing each other.
We were now able to be out in the open together, but my children were having a rough time with the divorce. i gave them extra attention and consideration because I wanted them to be OK emotionally. The narc didn't like it. But he hid that well in the beginning. We got engaged and he bought me a very expensive engagement ring. He was the most thoughtful, generous,loving, attentive man I had ever known. Flowers and trinkets and loving words and gestures and romance. Everything he knew was missing from my marriage. But he was jealous, insecure, untrusting and controlling too.He would accuse me of looking at other men. I had to report to him when i heard from my ex and what it was about. One night he interrogated me police style ALL night until I admitted I had heard from my ex. He wanted to make the determination if the conversations were necessary or not. He fought with me every weekend about my ex, that he was too much in my life still. I said I left him for you, we are only friendly for the kids sake. He said being friends with an ex was sick! that when the relationship is done then its done and you don't talk any more. during the 2nd year together he fought with me more and more. In the beginning he bragged about me to everyone, said i was the love of his life. Then in the end he was picking fights all the time, drinking more and starting to call me spinal biffida ( I have a slight curve in the spine but nothing hideous).All through the relationship he told me other women were attracted to him, that he was a good catch and I was lucky to have him.I said we were both lucky, as I had a career too, I was a Clinical Director in a Mental Health agency. I didn't go to a town office Christmas part the last year we were together and he told me a woman from the town office was all over him, hugging him. He started telling me he was tired of being on a back shelf behind my kids and that I didn't care about his feelings. He listed all of my relationship mistakes, and started saying maybe he isn't partial to brunettes like me anymore, that blonds were ok. (the town office clerk is blond). He asked me how i thought he looked the 1st time I ever saw him naked and I asked why? are you getting naked for someone for the 1st time? he laughed that off. He was getting more short with me, not coming over on his regular days, and more impatient we didn't live together. (we both still had houses with our ex's even though they moved out and we maintained our 2 houses). I told him the time was right around the corner, my son in a few months was off to college and he could move in. On a Thursday he sent flowers to my office in Feb,the next Tues he slept over and that Wed we went to work. He picked a big fight with me Wed night and went to the chief of police conference without on the weekend. When he returned it was over. He said it was over and blamed me, He refused to work on the relationship even though it was the 1st time was hearing the bulk of his complaints. He would not accept my apology, would not consider changing his mind, and was so cold and mean about it all I couldn't believe it was the same man. He walked out and didn't even say goodbye to my son! My son was right there! He defrieneded both my kids from FB. His mother defriended me from FB. I called her and she said they don't hold anything against me.What? I didn't do anything.He yelled at me that I bled him dry, and sucked the life out of him for a year. I made more money than him and offered to pay down his debt, for him to stop this and come back. He said NO, its over! Just like that, no warning and he was gone and I found out later he was caught with that town office worker by his own officer on rounds when he was still engaged to me, parking with her on a dead end road. So he cheated on me with her. one month after we broke up I went to Fla. He txtd me EVERY day asking where I was going and what I was doing and acting jealous and was angry my ex husband gave me a ride to the airport. i was so hopeful he wanted me back, but I don't know what that was about. He is still with the woman he cheated on me with now 5 mos later. So 3 wives and a fiance' he has left. He had NO remorse! No feelings for me at all! No love in his eyes or any feelings I could see. Where did it all go overnight? I have cried every day for 5 mos. He is doing all the things he did with me with her, posting loving song lyrics on FB, and having her ride in the patrol car leading the 4th of July parade with him, no talking to me at all. When we 1st started dating he wanted to kiss me where police cameras were so his ex wife could see it, (she is a dispatcher for a neighboring PD) I thought it was mean and wouldn't do it. I mailed the Indian doll back with some other things with a letter telling how he had promised to take me on a motir cycle ride but lied because he didn't arrange it. Next thing know he posts a pic on FB of him and his new one on his motorcycle. I have no doubt that was deliberate, but I would never let him know I saw it.Oh yeah, he wanted the engagement ring back but I kept it. He took the car back he bought me after he left me and left me with no way to get to work.
I ask you all, Is he a NARC? How could he love me so much and then not at all? How could all of that love turn off like a switch and he is right on to the next one without a glance backwards. Hurt beyond belief.