AAlondon's Story

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#1 Jun 6 - 5AM
AAlondon
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AAlondon's Story

First time Post - Hoovered- recieved email out of the blue after 5 Years of NC

Hi All,
This is my first time post so I will share my story, it might be a bit long. So here we go.

In october 2006 I met a guy on a dating website, I was leaving in Paris at that time, this guy was/is a british Expat (from London) working in Finance (he is a lawyer) of African Origin (this is important for the rest of the story). It happens that I love Africa and I now work and travel for work a lot in that region.
well to summarise everything was great to start with, great looking guy, fit and very soft spoken, polite and well mannered, good job and we had great chats about Africa and many other things.
He was very much into the way he looks, always designer suits and clothes/shoes, working out and running, eating very healthy, and a bit show off with his financial capabilities.
He was divorced (according to him) with 2 young girls (7 and 2 YO), and he kept saying that he left his wife because he was so fed up of being harassed and hounded by her, according to him she was a psycho that had made his life miserable for approx 10 years now. He was 35/36 at that time and I was 28.
So when we met he kept saying that he wanted someone to spend the rest of his life with, and build another family - have other kids.
Since he left London for Paris he was going back and forth every other week end to spend time with his kids - that was the arrangement with his wife (seems normal).
At the beginning things went well and really fast and got physical fast, as I thought we had a great connection. He was very physical and sex was very important to him.
Although he was quite distant and very much hot and cold, on and off, and was increasingly not responding to my texts / emails, calls. he was also silent and sometimes quite passive aggressive, he was never shouting or even getting in arguments or heated discussions, he said once that he hates conflicts.
He was sometimes telling me I am a bit like his Ex wife when insisting to reach him... I thought that he was going through divorce and that it was not easy, he might be scared.
He was also referring to an ex GF after he left his wife, she was polish and he seemed to leave with her before he moves to Paris ( he said that he soon discovered that she was an escort and that she was seeing guys whenever he was not home!!!).
I started thinking this is a bit strange, why a lawyer in Finance would leave with an escort?. but then ok again I said to myself he might be a bit lost after divorce (or separation).
That was the christmas holidays and he was due to go and spend christmas with his kids in London - Normal.
So just before leaving he offered me hear rings saying merry Christmas to you. then when he was on the train he sent me a text like I am so happy to have met you are a very special person... I was on cloud 9, I thought I had got the jack pot too.
Anyway off he went to London and the first few days he was texting but then it stopped and I started sending more text, and no response, and tried to call several times.
He finally responded by text quite furious saying that he had a lot of issues to deal with there and that he did not need me to put pressure on him on the top of that, and that he preferred that we stop there as he felt I was too much like his ex wife! That was just before New Year.
I was devastated and angry at the same time, I sent him back the earrings saying I did not think it meant anything and therefore he should keep it, along with a letter telling him how I feel-... etc, then he called me back saying that he was touched by the letter and he is scared of my behaviour which is similar to his ex wife behaviour and that is why he preferred to stop there before it gets bad.
Anyway after this episode a lot of on and off other followed, with always great sex in between and a lot of NC from him, he would switch off phone and not respond to my texts / emails. I was seriously hooked.
One day in February he comes to my place and tells me that he might go back to London earlier that initially scheduled due to family circumstances, and he would leave around April / may.
I then started to look for a job in London thinking that if I wanted to give a chance to this story I needed to be in London as LDR would not work.
He did not say anything but let me do it without helping of course.
So here I am , I fast forward, I found job and apartment in London and here I am in May settling down there , with no help and no news from him still in Paris.
Then he contacts me saying that he will be in London during may holiday and would like to see me, then comes to the point that he has his kids but his nasty wife has asked him to take to kids out of her house so he can spend the week end with them but she does not want him home.
So ok I said bring the kids to my place, and here I am sleeping on my sofa for 4 days and giving them my bedroom. Things went really well and obviously we were on friend basis in front of the kids, and he seemed to be a great dad from what I saw.
So after this week end he went back to Paris and disappeared again. For at least 2 months, then I receive a text from him in August/September : “did you send me a letter?”. That was it, I responded "no". then I called him to ask him why he was doing that and I was completely confused and absolutely depressed ( in a new country with no support) and started contacting him again, he was back in the UK and was settling down again, needed to find an apartment and all this.
We started seeing each other again, and that went as fast as the first time when we met, again it was on and off, hide and seek and it was always when he was available / wanted to.
Anyway one fine day in November I go to his place to spend the night, after dinner he cooked everything fine, then I go to bathroom and look for toothpaste and I find in the closet many women stuff, perfume, nail polish hair brush… and all French, so I assumed this was another GF from France coming on the weekends (these weekends he was not reachable of course!).
I got back twice to that closet to check if I was not dreaming, it was like it was in front of me, the evidence that he was cheating and lying to me.
Then I went back to bed and asked him if he had another French GF, and told him I saw these women stuff, he went to check in the bathroom and said no that was already there when I took the apartment, I was absolutely confused and thought I was going crazy, but it was late and I had to go to work the next day so we slept over it, I was contemplating leaving on the spot bit that was a one hour cab ride and this was past metro time, so I had to stay, I told him he was probably a womaniser, he grinned and said that is not nice of me to call him that, I was so confused I just wanted to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.
The next day we go to work and I send him an email about what I found in bathroom and that I wanted to discuss it with him, no response of course, then I send him a few texts, no response, then I send him a text saying that he is a liar and a cheater and he should have told me the truth.
I received a text back saying “stop sending me any message you crazy woman”.
And that was it. Obviously I was devastated, felt crazy and dirty and I felt I was really worthless and got into depression for a while. But I decided that enough was enough and there was no way back this time.
So strict NC for almost a year (he never contacted me either and we had no common friends) and In sept 08 I send him an email telling him how I felt and how much he hurt me and how bad he had treated me, no response , total silence, he was too busy of course with Other woman/women?
In the meantime I carry on with my life and met another boy who is great and very understanding with me because I was really broken after this story, I am still today with my BF of now 4 years, we moved in together January . I have a good job I like since 2 and a half year now and I get to travel a lot to Africa which is my favourite place so I cannot complain.
I was almost not thinking to that %%5 horrendous guy anymore and end of march I was on travel in Africa and I check my personal email address and I see his name! My heart started pounding and my head spinning. I did not hear from him since that Text calling me crazy.
He was responding to the email I sent to him in sept 2008, and saying something like:
“Hi A, I hope you are well and life is great for you, I think of you from time to time and I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we had stayed together, especially seeing your love for Africa that seems to grow as time passes. I guess you probably deserved a frank explanation as why I was pushing you away, I was not in a position to explain, but my ex wife was hounding me my bond with my kids was at risk, the last thing I needed was being hounded by someone else.When I left my Ex wife I felt a great sense of freedom,and relief from someone that made my life miserable, but you were not in a position to understand it. Anyway I look at your profile from time to time on (Professional Online network) and thought it was time for me to say this.All the best J.”
What the hell, I was absolutely baffled and disturbed and I am still. That was before I have done all this research on line and I know about narcissist, I thought he was more a serial cheater but I guess he has some narcissist traits.
Anyway I was upset and was contemplating responding for 2 weeks, and after 2 weeks I finally responded the below email – That was before I know all this about hoovering and NC , now I am started thinking I made a mistake:
Here is my response to him:
“Hi J.I am fine thanks and I hope you are well too.I was in Africa when I got your email and my internet connection was very slow, I thought that was a spam coming from your mail box when I saw your name. I am not sure I understand which point you are trying to put across and why you write these tings 4/5 years later.I guess you would probably have written earlier if that was important or significant to you.I don’t think that is a good idea to stir things from the past, especially these things.I thought you did not even remember me, you seemed to be such a “busy” man, and I used to feel so inadequate and worthless around you.
You are mentioning a great bond we had in your email, I thought so too until I discover that it was a non exclusive one, Maybe that is what you are so politely calling great sense of freedom, so obviously on that basis that was impossible.
I think deep down I knew it, I just needed to face it at some point. So when I saw all these women stuff at your place I realised it was high time for me to go before I get completely insane.
This was a very destructive relationship and it was going nowhere.
I met you in Oct- Nov 2006 and the whole Hide and seek game went on until November 2007 just days before my 30th birthday, and ended up with much drama. Things could have worked differently but unfortunately it did not happen that way, that is life.
I could understand all issues with Ex wife and young children but exclusivity was the line that could not be crossed.
Anyway I learnt from all this, I learnt a lot on my choices and why I was repeatedly putting myself in wrong situations and why I felt the need to chase you so much even though you were constantly rejecting me, I just had to walk away really, I deserved better things. I guess sometimes you need wake up calls to change direction.

I wish you well J, you and your children, things might have worked out under different circumstances,
Take care
A.

Since this I am quite obsessed with this story again, it is like I am replaying the whole thing again, after 5 years this miserable character comes back out of nowhere to create confusion in my life, which I thought was on track, these people are really horrendous.
In his email, no mention of cheating or hurting me or anything,no appology just him and his situation, it is like, have we lived the same situation? These people drive you really mad.
Please let me have your comments and share your experience with me, as this has been really hard to deal with emotionally, and I have been much tensed ever since I got this email.
Sorry it was long so I hope you did not give up half way 
Looking forward to your feedback.
AA.

Jun 10 - 2PM
AAlondon
AAlondon's picture

Thanks for your comments - Why do we chose these guys? Thaughts

Jun 10 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

Hi AA.... Hmmmm, why did he

Jun 9 - 3PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Back Burner

Jun 9 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
petite7heaven
petite7heaven's picture

Narcs so predictable....

Jun 9 - 1AM
petite7heaven
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I think your on your way !

Jun 6 - 12PM
AAlondon
AAlondon's picture

My state of mind after this message - confusion

Jun 6 - 8AM
Armed
Armed's picture

Your right you shouldn't have

Jun 6 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

This is a typical behavior of

Jun 6 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

That is right Hunter