Aaghstruck's Story

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#1 Aug 6 - 10AM
Aaghstruck
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Aaghstruck's Story

I am a married woman of 31 years to an amazing man who is very loving and kind to me. About three years ago an acquaintance introduced me and my husband to a married man and his wife. We became friends with him and his wife. Before long me and this man were spending more time with each other engaging in “spiritual discussions”. I loved having these discussions with him as I have been on a spiritual journey since 2000. Early into this friendship he told me he was “sent to me to be my spiritual teacher". I was thrilled to have this “older and wiser” charming man assist me on my spiritual journey. Lunches and meeting times between the two of us became more frequent. I trusted him explicitly. He often would tell me I needed to trust him and tell him all of my fears and insecurities in order for him to understand me better. He was so charming and would often refer to himself as "a mystery man" saying “someday you will know who I am”. He dropped names of Hollywood friends and painted himself to be on the “fast track”. He drove a very nice, sporty car and would talk about being MORE than financially secure. He was a very successful EVERYTHING. He became my N.
To make a long story short ….. I was in an emotional affair with him for 3 three years causing much pain to my husband and children. My marriage was challenged in many ways. I had never felt so empty in my life. All the lies (which he actually thought I believed ... heehee) and the build ups of himself are nothing but laughable really. The many questions I asked him, which he somehow would NEVER answer, along with much self doubt caused a constant pit in my stomach and literally stripped me of the JOY and PEACE I used to have.
I feel like I have truly been poisoned by this man. He lied, deceived and manipulated me many times!! He was very good at his “CHARMING, CARING and LOVING” ways in order to convince me of his love. There is NO CONTACT between us anymore.
More often than I like, I find myself riding the ANNOYING roller coaster of “is he” or “isn’t he” a Narcissist. Stupid ride because in my heart and gut I KNOW he is!! My mind gets in the way by tricking me into doubting my gut feelings. I am angry that I seem to be having such a difficult time getting him out of my head! WHY does it still feel that he is INSIDE my head taunting me?? I hate thinking he has really sunk his claws that deep into me that I can’t get them out. I hate putting my husband through all of this "recovery” I'm going through.
It helps so much to read other peoples’ experiences with their N and to realize that I am not alone in all of this. I feel stupid that I would let any of this happen to me. Prior to all of this I didn’t understand much about Narcissists and how they work!!! Not anymore. Lately I have read a lot about N’s. I was the perfect target! I NEVER should have opened my heart to this man and trusted that he was my friend. Narcissists really cannot be friends! What heartache they cause!

I welcome any suggestions!

Aug 6 - 4PM
Susan32
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Positions of Power

Sam Vaknin discusses this: why do Ns/Ps gravitate to such positions of power, authority&trust? The ex-Psych (as in psychopath) professor I dealt with for 4 years was a teacher... albeit not a guru, but he liked being regarded as one. Power gives legitimacy to their behavior;it puts victims at a severe disadvantage. Remember the movie "Becket" starring Richard Burton&Peter O'Toole? People tend to see it as a conscience vs. power, "speaking truth to power" kind of movie, Church vs. State... but the whole case was this:a priest had raped a girl, Henry II wanted the priest tried before civil authorities, Thomas Becket wanted the priest tried in a canon law court. Henry II had his misgivings about this flouting of civil law. In the end, Henry II had Thomas Becket slain in Canterbury Cathedral. Ns/Ps love the power&trappings of authority, especially the spiritual kind... think of James Arthur Ray with his sweat lodge in Sedona, the People's Temple in Guyana, Sun Myung Moon, L. Ron Hubbard.
Aug 6 - 11AM
58 and going strong
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Narcissists are the drug

Aaghstruck, welcome to peace and healing! And congratulations on acknowledging your problem. You and your husband are now making a big step forward. From what I know, it does not matter what we get addicted to, be it a Narc, alcohol or other - the vicious cycle is the same. And the whole family is usually affected, i.e., your children are involved as well. If I were you, and since you are both working on this together, I'd start with finding a marital therapist who is well versed with addictions. I'd also try to find any available information (books or online) and educate myself on addiction and the cycles, and maybe on dysfunctional families as well. While some addictions seem to be more difficult to overcome due to chemical issues, the general healing process is the same. It involves withdrawal symptoms in the beginning. You may also find that while you are the one with the 'drug' problem, your husband appears to be the Co-addict, and you will both have to work on different issues. The cycles are similar, but the 2 main 'players' go through them at different times, and they tend to 'keep each other going'. I was myself the Co in my first marriage more than 30 years ago with a husband who had an alcohol problem. Thinking I was doing fine after the divorce, I married again (way too!) shortly after that. While the 2nd marriage started obviously deteriorating since about 1999, it was only in 2009 that I finally found concrete information and became able to identify my marriage as abusive. While again believing that now I knew it all, I had to go and find myself lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut only a few weeks ago, in a dating situation with a really dangerous Narc . . . I do see that as an advantage though, as it helped me finally identify that my 2nd husband is a narcissist and sociopath, and that will certainly help me with the pending divorce. Yes, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. My best wishes for you and your family. You will come out of this as much happier people!
Aug 6 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Aaghstruck
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Thank you 58 and going

Thank you 58 and going strong! I so appreciate you responding. I think your suggestions are very good and feel it is important to educate myself on addictions. Although I have never had a chemical addiction it feels as difficult for me as the stories I have heard about those with a chemical addiction. Strange what our brains do to cause such strong and addictive behaviors. I became friends with the Narcs daughter and have remained friends through all of this. She lives away so I am not in physical contact with her. We have a friendship outside of her dad and I feel she has been a support to me over these past years, and encouraged me to live in integrity with my husband and not be going to lunch and meeting with her dad if both spouses did not know about it. Our conversations have not been centered around this situation. To say it never came up would not be true but to say that's all we talked about wouldn't be true either. Over the years she has made it clear she did not want to be the "go between". My question is what to do about this friendship? I do take my friendships seriously and love my friends! Any thoughts?
Aug 6 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Your friend

She is a 'go between', a connection, despite her not wanting that (I was one for my parents during my childhood), but if you are aware as it seems, just leave that friendship as it is right now. Guess it is more a 'motherly' thing at your end? Be aware however, that she may be an 'extended arm' as someone named it so nicely here. I would not encourage the contact, but not want to reject her either. If she leaves you, I would not call her back. She may just have 'protected' her parents, her own family by 'advising' you on how to be with her dad. As you will change, you will see that you will loose some friends, too. We all did, but you will see that the ones you loose are only friends now because they are at the same level of dysfunction. I lost my best friend when she decided to side with my N. (She was in fact the one who made me aware of the alcohol problems in my first marriage. . . and now she is being deceived so terribly again.) The pain is horrendous, but we need to go through that if we want to heal. Those friends need to go their own ways in their own time, and the best we can do is pray for them as we pray for ourselves. Also, you mention his spouse. So with a father like that your friend (= his daughter) is apparently involved in a very dysfunctional pattern in her own family of origin. If you like to read, I would also seek knowledge about cults/religious organizations. Their leaders are brainwashers as well. My N invited me several times to attend services with him at a 'temple'. Fortunately I wrote a research paper on cults in 2008/09 when going to school here. Looking back it helped me a great deal to stay alert and critical. Still took me 4 weeks to realize I was being gas-lighted, but the previous 'round' was 20+ years, so I consider that progress.
Aug 6 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
58 and going strong
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PS

There is another good trail of posts about go betweens and friends: Why does this mutual friend . . ., by Deirdre40
Aug 6 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Never doubt my willingness to

Never doubt my willingness to put in my two cents, lol. "My question is what to do about this friendship? I do take my friendships seriously and love my friends! Any thoughts? I would question talking to the N's daughter at all. If you were( still are?) somewhat addicted, you might secretly be trying to keep the relationship with the N alive. If you say nothing to her, you have no reason to obsess on what she and the N are talking about. You have plenty of friends, my opinion is the daughter will be fine without you in her life. And you will be fine withou her also. I don't mean to sound cold or insensitive, and mean no offense. I just think no contact with him and his family is always the best way to heal and move on. I think some of us forget that the point is to move on and forward. That can't happen if we keep interacting with the N and his associates and family members. My advice is to right now and forever...Let him go, Let her go, and talk with your hubby about how to grow closer in your love and respect for each other. Best of luck to you and your family, and it sounds like you have a great opportunity to not lose anymore of yourself in that sick narc-ridden situation. ds