8th Day NC - since D&D

Hello Everyone,

After 6 months living apart with (six months no sex) and 4 months of him hoovering with love and gifts and offers of a new home... and me hoping he was seeing the light (he told me he realized he has been the problem, he had an epiphany that he needed to listen to others) he finally dumped me last week. "Have a nice life, I'm done, it's over. Let me know when you have filed the divorce". It was after his one therapy session he had - that was the deal i made with him. No therapy, no dice. So he went, said he told "the whole story" and that the therapist said "Why have you stayed so long? I don't blame you!" and that's when he gave me the big D&D. And said that was all the therapy he needed. haha

So I have been just sitting and staring all week. This silence, and still that damaged part of me still worries if he is ok, that toddler inside of him who threw that tantrum (is the way my brain rationalizes my caring). The monster that tricked me. I have a real jeckyll and hyde, not horrible on the sociopath scale, he works hard and cooks and does some nice things, but just a moderate nut job that makes me feel like I am crazy for losing him. I feel like I am really blowing it, and yet i remember sleeping in the spare room on the floor for months, hating him. Part of me doesn't understand why he drives me crazy nor does it remember well.

So Blessed Day! Day 8 today NC, and I am immobilized, need to hit the computer keys as the divorce papers are all filled out from last year. Just need to update the numbers and print them. It's like there is an invisible shield around the keys stopping me and I think it is those years of behavior modification and fear the N's do to you. I am a mere shell of the wild child I once was.

I hope to come back and tell y'all I did it. asap. but it feel so scared. why is that? what am i scared of?