8 Weeks NC...,my progress so far

Happy 4th to everyone in the states.
Well today marks 8 weeks NC...I haven't posted much at all lately, I've been trying to heal. Thought I was doing ok, but I've taken major steps back. Yesterday was the exN's birthday and 10 weeks since I left...today is 8 weeks of NC and a little over 6 since I've heard from him.
I've still been reading as much as I can...I don't know what happened.
The dreams about him started Thursday I think...and haven't let up. I went from being happy and having faith in all that has been said to me, from members here, friends, my therapist, even a psychic...but basically all I've done all weekend is sleep, eat junk, not care about myself, I've gone back to blaming myself...I think a lot of that has to do with how things were a year ago, we were supposed to spend his birthday together but I was having doubts about him, his honesty, whether I wanted to deal with his life (cop, ex wife, 3 young kids) plus trying to comprehend how after only being divorced for a month he would want to marry me and have a kid when his youngest was barely 1.
Said I was going to start over today...ok so my diet has been fine, no junk no desire to eat my feelings (lol), but didn't get out of bed until 1pm...didn't work out. I've been isolating myself big time...now I'm not only upset about everything I've gone through, how he moved on a day after I left, realizing how everything I heard was a lie, dealing with knowing if he's with who I've been led to believe he's with that it was going on a year ago...that she's my complete opposite...that he hasn't reached out. A good friend of mine went through a break up at the same time...her ex cheated, lied is an alcoholic...moved on right away, but her ex calls her all the time...I haven't heard a word. She's gotten validation...I know I never will. I saw a psychic a few weeks ago and she was pretty on about most things...said that he's broken and can't be fixed, that he cheated the whole time, that part of him knows he needs me and that nothing will ever work for him because nothing will ever be enough and that when this doesn't work he'll probably reach out.
I would never speak to him again, but I feel so lost, so alone, so upset with myself for not taking care of myself the last few days, I feel disgusted...how can I let him get to me like this...he never loved me, never cared...I didn't hurt him beyond repair like he said i did...and all I can think is he's happy. Doesn't help my other ex who is my neighbor stopped by last week...he has definite N tendencies but unlike my last he wasn't diagnosed...
he came by to tell me his gf and her kids are moving in, funny I'm sure she knows nothing about how he stops by or emails me talking about our past sex life...he's a real POS...then he decides to tell me how I'll never hear from my exN again because he has what he wants and it was never me. Points out a picture when I had a bit more meat on my bones and says you need to look like this again...blah blah. So ya I'm not longer responding to his bs...I'm back to NC with him. Funny how my exN would get so disgusted with me that I was civil with him after how he lied and cheated on me...HA pot, kettle, black.
I'm scared the dreams won't stop...I'm scared I'll never have my validation...I'm scared he is happy and it was me...no matter what I know now or have read from his family assessment what he did to his ex wife...i try to have faith in everything I read and hear...and I can't. Not even knowing he is actually diagnosed is enough. I'm back to blame, shame, etc...back to not even really loving myself enough to take care of myself. I have a job interview tomorrow and I don't want to be a wreck for it. I had cut back to 3-4 cigarettes a day, now well not so much.
Why have I taken so many steps back?? How can he walk and not think damn thing about me...his own mother said I was good for him, his kids...that they needed me. Is it even possible that part of him knows he needs me??? I'm so lost.

sorry for rambling...I've been holding so much in trying to just get over it.