51 days no contact... Can I send this...
51 days no contact... Can I send this...
I am writing this to you with the knowledge that I will never give this to you. For many reasons, mainly as I do not wish to have any contact with again but also because I am now fully aware that nothing I say to you will have any effect whatsoever. I now have the knowledge to know you do not feel, at least not the same emotions as me and most other functioning humans and that even if you did feel you do not have the conscience to care.
I thank god, the universe, my family and friends and even some of my colleagues for supporting me, guiding me and helping me to open my eyes.
For over 2 years you had me fooled. Deep down I was always aware something was up. From the moment I lay in bed with you and had the instinctual fear that you were capable of killing me, I should have walked. i imagine that makes you smile as being feared is always something you aspired to.
Your first lie about Myley, was brilliantly delivered. A lie you had probably delivered a thousand times before me. I stayed with you because I thought you lied for an honest reason if that is even possible. I understood and wanted to give you a chance.
I remember the fear in your eyes that day in Eat when you had to tell me about Helen your partner (apparently ex) and Aneil (your other daughter) And the fear and panic when you made that crazy phone call to Barbara (another NON ex) after her dropping in the DVDto the gym saying you left it at hers.
I remember your lies about the secret service, your watch, you PHD in quantum physics. On our first date you even told me spoke 5 languages.
Because l loved , I never ever pulled you up on these because I did not want to embarrass or shame you. But I always knew. Just as I knew about Helen, Cara, Barbara, Chantelle, I knew. Im sure there were many others, including in Vegas.
I remember the day my sister lost her baby. I wanted to be with you my boyfriend for support. My whole family was distraught and i needed you. You lied in the most despicable way. You said your dad died, was hit by a car. You cried to me on the phone as you pulled up at the hospital. This was all a low. How sick in the head must you be to lie about that. This was proved when you told my client in the sauna about your dad being behind you the whole way re the marathon de sables.
In the end You betrayed me in the worst possible way. That was always your plan. You found out my deepest darkest secrets,I told you all there was to know about me and you became my worst fear. You were in fact my father. Or who my father was at 25. He made mistakes, he paid harshly for them and he regretted them and was lucky enough to be given a second chance.
I'm grateful to have had this experience with you as it enabled to deal with issues that were so deep rooted. I always thought I got way unscathed by my dads early betrayals of my mum.
My sister and brother were effected but no happy go lucky me. Well I didn't and because of you I faced my issues, my dad, my fear of intimacy. You weren't the first person put in my life to help me learn this lesson, move forward and grow. There were a few before you, none as cruel as you and I managed to escape them by finding another one. Until you came along, the final straw, the last attempt I believe for the universe to show me, help me guide me. You were a lesson I have avoided my whole life. Had I have not learnt my lesson with you and walked away, and done my own emotional work, I believe I would have ended up spending my life in a miserable abusive relationship with a man just like you.
Little do you knows that I cottoned on you were lying the whole time. For the record, I dated throughout our relationship. Like you I even had sex with someone else. I didn't do it for the same reasons as you though, for power, control and sex. I did it because my instincts all along told me that you were being unfaithful. I did it because i was hurting so badly, i needed something to numb the pain. You were cheating with me, on me and on the person you were cheating on me with. Your life is a bed of lies and I believe you have no idea who or what you are. To me you are nothing now and once this is written and I have said all I have to say, you will cease to exist in my life, , my feelings. I'm done with you and the pain and anxiety you brought to my life
You know, I cried all the way home today. After seeing you happily running on the treadmill with Cara. With not a thought for how it may make me feel.
People break up all the time, but love and respect would mean that most people would care enough about an ex to be a little discreet. I mean I recall numerous occasions me asking you to be respectful if we broke up, you did just the opposite. You have not one ounce of care, love or respect for me, or for want we had. What we had though has been reduced to nothing as it was all as lie.
Because of you for 2 and a bit years, I lived a lie.
To be clear, I was in love with you, you broke my heart. Although the you I was in love with never actually existed. The you that talked of loving me, that wrote me love notes and bought me flowers, that made love to me, then slept with me in your arms, (do you remember that, waking up in the same position cuddled together). The you that told me I was yours and you were mine, that we were a perfect fit, that no other woman would ever touch you, that I was all you ever wanted.
Don't worry I won't blow you cover or tell anyone what you really did to me. I will forget the times you screamed at me, hurled abuse at me for wanting to watch Coronation Street. All the times you called me a c**t or ran out on me leaving me sobbing on the bed. How you lied to the extent of viewing the flat in Hempstead.
It is not in my interest to involve myself in any aspects of your life. Nor warn any future victims, they will all find out for themselves at one point, for it is impossible for you to hide in your shadow forever. It's laughable really, you had me a beautiful successful woman, who loved you to death and you chose to cheat on me with a a woman who well I don't think I need explain, even people who know nothing but I am your ex and she is your new woman are shocked.
And Barbara the woman you called a physco, I always knew you'd go running back to her, when I couldn't give you enough of what you needed. I even said it to you. I even toldyou it would be the most painful thing you could do to me. You were so predictable. I should have kept my mouth shut. For whatever reason you wanted to hurt me so badly
I do wish for you happiness, for I have the ability to feel love. Real love. I was blessed with a family and friends who truly love and care for me. Maybe you became this way because of your past, that is no longer my problem. I no longer feel sad or pity for you. As you are well aware those are 2 reasons I stayed with you. As I'm sure after all your stories many women have done before, I wanted to help you, to fill you with the love I had and make things better for you
Now I have moved on now I am strong again, I love myself. I'm fully aware I will always be the best thing you ever had and you will always be the best thing I never had.
So while you go onto abuse woman after woman, I will live my life fully. I will carry on being a huge success at work and I will have everything I desire, I deserve. A loving, healthy and supportive, honest and real relationship. I will have solid friendships and continue to have an amazing relationship with my family.
I wish things could have been different. That you were in fact the man you pretended to be. As honest and loyal as you made out. As faithful as you claimed. I was ready to commit to you, marry you. You betrayed me, your partner, your kids, you are a lie.