4 days post Xmas D&D - final advice needed pls!

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#1 Dec 29 - 8AM

Tinker

4 days post Xmas D&D - final advice needed pls!

I so need advice, haven't been able to tell this until today -I got the D&D on Christmas morning, 4 days ago. I was so blindingly angry after I got the email that I wrote back, broke NC and went back and forth until yesterday when it hit me that we're supposedly conversing and getting nowhere and it's hurtful so i stopped.

My question is - do I write one last email telling him what I think of him? After 2.5 years there's things that I never confronted him with, truly awful things he did to me. And he's twisted things around in his emails pointing the fault back on me so that I just feel sick.

Or do I just stop now, keeping all these rantings inside me? I want to do what's best for ME at this point. It's really over. I blocked him from Facebook. I'd do the emails but he wouldn't know, they'd just be deleted.

The postings seem to be stepped up the last week or two over the holidays, doesn't it? THey are awful during the holidays aren't they?

He does this every 6 months or so, but this time it's over. I'm angry but not in bed medicated like i was last summer, so that's a good sign. I actually have a date tonight. I don't love him any more, just still miss the good things and feel overwhelmingly sad and angry.

Please - do I rant in an email then block? Or just disappear with all my anger?

hugs, marissa

#2 Dec 29 - 5PM

Briseis

Marissa . . . it's hopeless.

Marissa . . . it's hopeless. Hopeless. Look how long you've wasted on this guy trying to get what you want and need. How much more time? IOW, don't waste another minute. Or second. Block him. Just block him, OK? It will hurt. Cherryblossom just blocked her exN, look for her post. It will hurt like a stab to the heart. But it will only hurt for a little while. A little more pain now, with the promise of a release from that pain, and REAL love, in your future. Yes, you can handle the pain. It won't drive you insane. You have to get a grip on yourself, get control of your emotions and as I like to say, put on a pair of big girl panties :D He doesn't deserve a goodbye from you. He's had enough of you. It's time to get well, Marissa. Start today.

#3 Dec 29 - 3PM

Deidre99

One thing I'll say--I did

One thing I'll say--I did send a ''goodbye'' letter...as most here know (by now) Mine was not ranting though. I mentioned NOTHING of his offenses. It was calm. It was not short, but not long. It was basically...a goodbye letter...and how I have been praying, and things in my life need to change for the new year...etc. This was the gist. I thanked him for the good times, for him helping me when I needed it. I pressed send, then went NC. Did not hear from him til Monday of this week. He did not acknowledge the letter whatsoever. haha The email could have come from a stranger, that is how different he was in it. The mister nice guy routine...trying to bait me in. Probably so I'd reply...then he could have the satisfaction of saying..ah ha! see? she can't say goodbye to ME! I purposely did not write a ranting letter. I wanted to leave the whole thing behind...with my head held high. Do the same. If you choose to write a goodbye letter, make it not about ranting. But, more about how you wish to have closure...you are saying goodbye to bring yourself closure. You wish him a good life. Sorry things didn't work out. It's best if we don't talk anymore. Kind of letter. Then, go NC. If you even choose to do this. The only reason I sent a letter, is because I tried NC and he kept coming back. Perhaps, the letter was more so I WOULD KEEP FROM FALLING BACK. I wanted true closure. So, when he wrote on Monday...and I didn't reply? It was proof to him that I meant business this time. I said goodbye, and meant it. I won't lie. It felt good. But...I only recommend a letter if it's less about the guy and ranting...and more about obtaining closure and peace for the writer.

#4 Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

Tinker

Deidre

You sound so calm, I'm so proud of you. Won't he come back again? How long has it been. My N called things off every 3-6 months and we'd go back and forth, and I'd get upset and basically beg for another change, or I'd do what you did - it didn't work out, thanks for the good times, I'll always remember you, I wish you much happiness...then he'd come back. I just can't wish him any good right now after he waited until Xmas to cut my legs out from under me. But since I can't do it in a good way like you did, I'd best not do anything. When I look at "his" email folder, I get an awful feeling whether it's empty or there's something there bec I think it will be something nasty. I'm afraid he'll try again and afraid he won't...

#5 Dec 29 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Deidre99

marissa

I'm calm ON HERE. LOL :=) I have spent many a night crying over this N! My situation is a bit different. We broke up twice. I ended things about 4 weeks into the relationship, before the summer. He asked for another chance. Then, we tried again. Then, we got into an argument (he threw a tantrum more what happened) and then he ended it, that was about 2 weeks later. We only dated for about 6 weeks. lol BUT...he wanted to remain friends, or so I thought. We had this odd friendship...all this time, marissa. He would tell me about other women he was interested in...or who were interested in him. How hot they were. About his life...but, I had a tough year, this year, with other issues ...and he helped me through them (in the beginning) As time wore on, he became insulting...demeaning...hurtful. I would go NC. (before I knew he was a narcissist) He would email me after a few days...''are you still mad, jerk?'' Yeah, nice huh? In some ways, it was funny at the time. But, as time wore on...this back and forth went on and on and on. I finally said...we need to go our separate ways. (in Sept) We went about a week, and he came back around. Then...we resumed again...I remember thinking...why am I allowing someone to demean me like this? I'm not even dating this jerk anymore! lol How nuts is that? But, it always felt like we had feelings beneath the surface. He'd say that sometimes. ''You and I will always be connected, D.'' I guess I thought that was endearing when he'd say that. But now, knowing what I know about narcissism...he said that to keep me baited. Soooo...here we are to now. He insulted me over the past few weeks, and two Mondays ago, I had had it. I waited a few days after our final argument, and sent the letter. I was calm by then. I wrote it...and slept on it. Didn't send it right away. Glad I didn't, because there were some rantings in there. I deleted them. Then, I sent it. Tomorrow, will mark 2 weeks NC for me. To answer your question, yes...he reached out by email this past Monday of this week. AS IF I HAD NEVER SENT THE LETTER. LOL I did not reply. I am still very raw from all of this. Even though the break up happened a while ago, this man has been in my life for a while. I got used to him. We sort of were ''there'' for each other...as dysfunctional as it all became. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, however, so this comes natural to me. I don't want dysfunction anymore though. We have to choose the new normal, marissa. WE HAVE TO CHOOSE IT and make it so. NC is the only way to get to normal. To the NEW normal. I will say, typing this, I'm calm. :=) I thought about him a lot today, but in a different way. I pity him. I truly do. He is a troubled, lost man. And I can't help him. I tried. But, all we can do is pray for these men, marissa...and try to get on with our own lives as best we can. I know what you are saying. You're afraid to hear from him, and afraid not to. I'm to the point (and it had been growing to this point before I actually sent the final letter) where I don't care what he thinks anymore. I used to. Gosh, I really used to. But, after going NC now for even this short amount of time compared to others here...I feel better. I have more peace in my life. I DON'T MISS THE DRAMA AND NEGATIVITY HE DUMPED INTO MY LIFE. If you go NC, you will see him more for who he is...a troubled soul who will continue to hurt you, IF YOU LET HIM. Don't let him anymore. You are still raw. Stay NC, and in about two weeks, you will be feeling worlds better. If you are tempted to reach out to him...please post here, and we'll walk you through those feelings...ok? {{hugs}} we can do this!

#6 Dec 29 - 11AM

michele115 (not verified)

Marissa

Anything you say will go right over his head, he won't get it. Right now you are very upset and vunerable. I am also wondering if going on a date is the best thing right now?

#7 Dec 29 - 11AM

michele115 (not verified)

Marissa

Anything you say will go right over his head, he won't get it. Right now you are very upset and vunerable. I am also wondering if going on a date is the best thing right now?

#8 Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Tinker

michele

i know it sounds weird to be having a date, but only a few months after i met him, he said i was clingy and he wanted someone with "a life", incredibly nasty and condescending thing to say (i have a very full life). i said, OK then i'm going to date, so this has been going on for two years, except when i told him i wasn't going to see him any more and then he came back full force, talking about marriage until i relented. the excuse he brought up for the D&D is that i got a text from a guy from an online site. this is no surprise bec he was on 2 sites and i asked him many times for us to get off. I couldn't go off while he was on, the only thing that kept him coming back i thought was that i was out there. it's that dance of being slightly out of reach all the time that will drive us nuts. so i have been dating but always wanting to be with him. so sad and dysfunctional. now maybe i can focus on my happiness and a really nice normal guy. thanks for asking.

#9 Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Tinker

michele

#10 Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

michele115 (not verified)

Marissa

Are you looking to recover or are you looking to slam right into the same wall? Granted, no one is immune and all life should not cease to exist; however, obviously there was a weakness in the judgment department or else we wouldn't all be here. Regardless of the conclusion as to how we ended up in this predicament - we all have different views... But is this the band aid on a bullet hole or are we going to go through the process of surgery and remove the bullet and heal?

#11 Dec 29 - 10AM

really

Remain NC. The content of

Remain NC. The content of anything you say will be completely disregarded. He will only see it as, "she still wants me." Any attention is good attention to him. It's extremely hard to let those things go unsaid and to leave so many questions unanswered. But, you need to remember that there are no answers he could give you that would be real or meaningful. He would say whatever he thought suited him best at the time. He is not normal. You would be hurt either by his lack of response, a bad response (immediately), or a positive response (reunite and get D&Ded again). This is just how it goes with an N. I think you're right in that all that goes unsaid or unanswered DOES stay inside you. But, to me it feels like as we go through healing, those things are absorbed by your body sort of like a toxin. The need to have everything so concrete slowly diminishes and your body/thoughts become pure again. There will be lingering questions, but the NEED for answers greatly decreases once you fully understand and accept logically, how these people work. At least, that has been my experience. Hugs, really

#12 Dec 29 - 10AM

mystwoman

I agree with these ladies.

I agree with these ladies. Remain NC. Don't respond to him in any way. Any reaction that you give him (positive or negative), is going to be NS. All sending him an email will do is give the narc more ammo to twist around for his own benefit. Pointing fault at the victim is standard operating procedure for them. They NEVER except blame. Mine told me that EVERY argument that we'd had during our entire 16 years together was because of me. Not only that, but I supposedly lay awake every night doing nothing but thinking of ways to pick at poor little him. Wow! I had NO idea I had that kind of disagreeable nature. rofl. It was pure projection. You don't need to keep all your anger inside just because you don't respond to the narc. Write it down. Write the letter to him saying whatever you wish. Vent as much as you need. DON'T hold it all inside. Punch something and pretend it's him. Do whatever helps you work through your anger. Do it for YOU. However, DON'T actually send anything to the narc. You will just be providing him with more NS. Face it, at the very minimum the narc will get the satisfaction of knowing how angry you really are, if you send the letter (NS). He will NOT take anything you say to heart and miraculously change. Narcs are not capable of that kind of introspection. Totally ignoring him and going completely NC is best for your own healing. He gets absolutely NO more supply from you. Ever. In return, you are in control of yourself. You are no longer a victim of his manipulations. NC is about you, and your recovery. It is not about the narc. It's much better for you, if you do "disappear" from his view. His "view" doesn't matter. This IS the a$$hole that D&D'd you right on Christmas day. He doesn't deserve one more second of your life. You're NOT disappearing. You're reclaiming YOU. That is MUCH more important. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#13 Dec 29 - 10AM

victimnomore

Marissa

I would advise you to just disappear. He will only continue to hurt you if you engage in these e-mails or any kind of contact with him. He will never admit to hurting you so just let it go and vent your anger on this board. NC is the only way to get some peace!

victimnomore

#14 Dec 29 - 9AM

justicejones

NO CONTACT~

Everyone is so right. NO CONTACT! It's not worth it. It just gives him more ammo to twist around to make you look crazy. We all know you aren't, but he will make it seem that way to make him feel sane. That is what this forum is all about, to rant. Maybe make a post, pretending we are him and rant all you want. Then you will feel better getting it out.

#15 Dec 29 - 9AM

Hunter

No contact

Hello, Vent here, no contact means no contact! I'm here to tell you silence speaks louder than words! I would "Love" to tell my N off. I know that doing so would upset me more then him. A master of devalue. I'm pretty good my self but it will go in one ear and out the other. Focus on your life not his. Love yourself . Hugs Idealk

#16 Dec 29 - 9AM

Happy1

I have had the same thoughts

I have had the same thoughts about ranting in a final email but it does not good and it's best like all the ladies say to just be NC. It causes just more harm and hurt when we contact them. I'm sorry you had a similar experience as I did over Christmas but you sould very strong! I remember you being in bed medicated over the Summer and I was in the same boat. We get stronger with each break up I believe and wiser. Now we can move on!!

#17 Dec 29 - 9AM

agnesmurphy17

Block Him

I agree with Deidre. There is no point to ranting. Do something for yourself -- don't waste another precious minute on this jerk. Writing an e-mail is time consuming. Blocking him (even if he doesn't know it) is the most awful thing one can do to a N. No response is the most horrible occurrence. Negative attention is the same as postitive for a N.

#18 Dec 29 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Tinker

thank you, you're all wonderful

your advice kept me on track thru a long day. i'm sitting here sobbing and can feel the anxiety rising up. i still check to see if he's written another email, that obsessive checking that i've done for years now. i can't believe it's over. i hope that feeling stops. during our time together, he would ask many questions and i told him at one point that i had been sexually abused by a friend's father as a child. when he D&D's me on Xmas, he said that I lied about that to get attention.....everything i told him that was personal or sad to me he's thrown back at me in a way to destroy me. hugs, marissa

#19 Dec 29 - 9AM

Deidre99

Personally, I'd do NC. He

Personally, I'd do NC. He doesn't get it. He probably never will. They twist things around...and always will. So, while it might be helpful to get things off your chest, he will continue to defend himself and twist things...causing further emotional injury to you. Know what I mean? Like, it probably won't 'rest' with the final email...he probably will push more buttons, and cause you more angst. At the end of the day, silence is our friend with these people. It is the only thing that brings us peace. NC will be hard at first, but over time, you'll see it's the best remedy for this situation. I will be praying for you. Hugs! I'm sorry he hurt you.

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