3 days NC & letter from him

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#1 Jun 26 - 7AM
Athena
Athena's picture

3 days NC & letter from him

It's so strange what I am feeling, I cry, yes, I ache, I mourn the loss of many dreams and hopes, but I'm also feeling righteous indignation, hope, relief, me again, it's almnost scary given where I am now to imagine where I'd be in 12 months if I had stayed in the relationship.

Today he sent me this letter, which did touch me as I know this man and I know the truth and I know the manipulation, the two mixed up together is what has been for me so hard.

It makes me sad, that now that I have woken up to myself and told him we're through and that I won't be having any more contact he writes me this:

My Dear Love,

Is it really over for you? I know how it feels to have you in my arms, I know that you are the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am finding it really painful to reflect that I have messed this up and that you have really left me. I hate myself for what I have done to you and us. I know of no other woman that has helped me understand what it means to love someone and I was afraid of that so I destroyed it and you in the process.

I want you to marry me, I want to make you happy and our children to come. I will do anything not to lose you, anything. If God wills it so that we are not meant to be, then ok, but if you are willing it, please, please can you give me one more chance. I'm begging you.

I love you so much, I just don't know how to do that with you and so I hurt instead.

Please don't leave, please.

I know I should have deleted without reading but....well, it's where I'm at, this made me cry.

Jun 27 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Hi Athena. Hope you are

Hi Athena. Hope you are feeling a tiny bit better then this morning. It is a rough time for sure but you will get through it! I promise! I want to share with you a bit about me and both of my narcs. They were both extremely intelligent. My ex husband is an executive for a fortune 100 company, probably the most intelligent man I have ever met. Close behind him is my rebound from my husband, narc #2, extremely intelligent, speaks 4 languages, plays the violin, piano and saxaphone. Works in the medical field. Extremely intelligent as well, like I said. I would like to point out to you that some of the most intelligent people in the world, genius's, suffer from many, many disorders. Also, I want to stress to you that you should not take anything personally when it comes to this man. He is cunning and sharp, nothing you have done has made you deserve this treatment, he is the sick one.........NOT YOU! You will heal Athena, stay strong, we will wrap you in our arms and get you through this. Right everyone? :) XOXOXOXO
Jun 27 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Athena, dearheart,

you are doing very well regardless of how your emotions feel right now. Everything is raw and all too real. You are facing it very, very well and you are strong. I believe this person you were involved with is a borderline. That makes him a little more dangerous than the average N. I was involved with a borderline too. A very well educated person. Spoke five languages. Had many careers, including a stint in academia. Has a master's degree in psychology. All that doesn't change the fact that he is sick. He has a mental disorder. In short, he is not wired right and I almost went crazy because of it. He was slowly killing me. If you continue with this person, the same will continue to happen to you. Your gut knows your spirit wants to thrive and shine, not to be torn down, confused and in pain. Athena, please try to go complete NC with this guy. You have already experienced the benefits of some NC, how it clears the fog and helps you feel stronger. Total NC helps this even more. You will be amazed. Please try to do it if possible. Do not speak to him right now, please. Agnes knows of what she speaks. She has helped me here so very much with her knowledge, insight, strength and wisdom. I want to add my experience to her words. This person will be back. Please don't do what I did and cave in. By doing so I set myself up for another year of hell and a brutal D & D that almost, almost killed me. Athena, I am so proud of you. YOu are doing so well. YOu are smart. You are strong. You are a lovely spirit with a big heart. Save all those qualities for yourself and for someone who will nurture and grow them. I send you a huge hug and prayers and good vibes for continued strength and clarity. I so appreciate this community and all who come here. Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. IT'S A STRUGGLE. BUT I'M DETERMINED. AND I'M WINNING.

spinning

Jun 27 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
Athena
Athena's picture

Thank you Spinning - so much, I feel so weak, your words have

put me back in touch with my strength, though it is so tiny right now. I feel so ashamed that I am not able to be that strong person I once was and support others here as I am being so richly held and supported at this unbelievably painful time in my life. To hear you and Sparrow say that you are proud of me, makes me feel I am worth something to be proud of and that is helping my self-esteem flicker with hope that it can grow from this nightmare. I am so so sorry to hear what happened to you, God, I feel such a murderous rage for these people who hurt us so much and you, who I know has such a beautiful heart, to think of the pain it had to carry that it almost break makes me cry now, partly yes, my own empathy but also a healthy sensitivity and thus feeling for your own pain beared and survived. You give me so much hope. In a strange way that makes it all the harder to reconcile- how one so bright in intellect can be so sick and so unaware of the sickness. I don't want to believe the same will happen to me, it hurts to much to let go of the tiny grain of hope that remains, but I know you are crushing it out of care and for that I am grateful though it hurts, but I am aware that there is some part of my soul that knows with the end of hope, comes the end of illusion and as such I can face the reality though it is painful, it can be no more painful than continuing to live a lie, in effect. From my fogged understanding, I would agree that he is borderline, definitely, I think he is also a narcissist but I think his predominant behaviours in the name of 'intimacy' are clearly symptomatic of the chaotic, self-destructive borderline. It scares me to think he will be back. I must do all I can to be prepared. I find it hard to believe that he will, I'm scared to believe it, because I am afraid of him now and the ability he seems to have to hook me in. I pray God will take care of me in my vulnerable hour. Thank you for the kind words you said about me, they also made me feel strong and hope that maybe one day I will find a man who can appreciate what I have to give. I am not perfect, not by a mile, but I am a good woman with a good heart, who loves life. I lost that feeling all times I was with him. Afraid to 'shine' because he will only darken it because he can't bear the light or the light as I seem to be able to reflect in those on my path. He hated me for that at the same time that's why he was with me. So many times he would say 'why do people love you so much?' I always felt afraid when he would say that, almost making me cower , make myself small so as not to 'offend' him. I just don't understand (I don't mean to be disrespectful) but I don't understand how this person will come back after said firmly and resolutely it is over AND he agreed with 'ok'. Why would he come back, I don't understand. I don't mean to be rude but I really really hope you and Agnes are wrong, because I am scared that I will cave in, because I am still emotionally invested and a part of me still in love with him (that feels sick to my stomach to have to say) I will pray that God gives me a miracle and he is the defiance of science and the law of probability. I don't trust myself right now if he did. I promise you Spinning I have no intention of speaking with him right now. Several times today the pain has felt so great that I was so close to picking up the phone and calling him, but I came back here instead and that saved me. So I'm giving myself time to get strong, I pray I'lll be strong enough to 'hold' by the time he comes back if as you say this will be so. If he says being with me is torture why would he come back for more torture? It's so confusing for me. That's why I want to deny the truth that both you and Agnes seem so certain of because it is a truth that defies my logic. Please don't consider me ungrateful to your wisdom, I'm just so baffled by the reality of who this person that I so loved, that I was going to marry him and have his child, actually seems now to have really been. Hurts like hell Spinning. Do you think I will meet someone who can love me one day? Athena
Jun 27 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
spinning
spinning's picture

Oh, Athena...

as to your last question, the answer is yes! It will come at a time in your healing when you least expect it. You will feel so good about yourself that others will begin to notice and you will attract the type of people into your life that joy, peace and confidence brings. I know this because it has happened to me! And I'm 53 years old, Athena. I never, ever thought such a thing would ever occur, thought I gave all my "best" and "most important" years as a woman to the disordered FREAK. As it turns out, once I began letting go and focusing on healing and what I needed to do to get better, it seemed to make room for great things to enter into my life. I was not "looking" or "expecting" it, either and believe me, I have been amazed and truly blessed with what is going on now! It's so freeing and peaceful and actually FUN! Don't get me wrong. I have some bad days. The stain left by the disordered one is still there, but it is fading. I am almost 8 months TOTAL NC and I now look at the brutal D & D as a blessing (yes, can you believe it? It's the best thing the sick freak ever did for me in all the six years of hell I was in!). As for them coming back, when the one I was involved with D & D'd me the first time I thought it was for good, too. He made no effort to contact me. Didn't call once. Didn't stop by. Didn't make any move for 20 days. I mourned, cried, felt confused, was a zombie but I pushed through the pain and fog and didn't contact him, either. I had already been on this site and I knew in my gut I had to help myself and had to stop the madness. I knew it was bad for me and I gathered all the strength I could muster and got through it minute by minute. On the 21st day (he is a master of psychology, knows it takes 21 days to make or break a habit), he pounded on my door at 5 a.m. I live alone in the 'country' and was frightened and confused. I thought it was my neighbor who was sick with cancer. When I didn't answer right away the person pounded on my bedroom window. I opened the door and it was him. We collapsed into a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor. The rest is too painful to recount but suffice it to say I let him in and I let myself in for another 12 full months of hell, only to be D & D'd in a most life-killing way almost 12 months to the exact date later! I pray you spare yourself this by doing everything in your power to commit to healing now. All of us here will help you. Come here first. If you feel weak, post here. If you need support, PM me, Sparrow, Hunter, Agnes, Michele, any single one of us! I hope this has been somewhat helpful, Athena. Borderlines as you know have 'black and white' thinking. It's all good or all bad. Your's is holding you in the 'all bad' light right now. As you know, however, they have difficulty being alone and it may become a "test of wills" between you (for lack of better word). You know he cannot be fixed, which is very sad for a compassionate person like you. But it comes down to placing a value on yourself, which you must in order not to be destroyed. You can still care about him, but from a distance. Letting go isn't easy, but I have found that it has been a work in progress that has been key to making room for peace of mind, happiness, and yes, new romantic interest from "normal," nice, happy, healthy men with good intentions and good manners. Love and hugs to you and all who stop here from, (not) spinning. I REFUSE TO. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION.

spinning

Jun 27 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
Athena
Athena's picture

(not) Spinning- thank you again and again..(please don't feel ..

...obliged to respond. It is helpful beyond words, those from you. I needed to ask that (shameful to me) question about life and love beyond this nightmare, because if I can hope that I can have a loving man in my life who can give love to me as I have so much to give, then that I believe that I can let go a little bit more. As long as I 'devalue' myself with teh belief that this man is my only hope, that this is as good as it gets, then I'm vulnerable to trying again. So I am really trying to look to your experience and have faith that I too will write one day of amazing things happening. The reason I find it hard to believe that he will come back is because I told HIM that we're through, if it was him ending it, then I would consider that maybe he would try and come back. At the same time I have this strange feeling that it was actually HIM that ended it, I just voiced what he could not, that way he can in teh very end blame me. Does that make sense? It's just a feeling, but today many thoughts of clarity seem to be emerging through the tears and that felt to be one of them. That actually he doesn't actually have to say 'get lost' to be the one who in truth did the discarding. I feel that because I feel he pushed me to my limit where I had no choice but to say 'enough, we're done.' I am so sorry that that 5am call from him, led to an ending that I bet you could never have imagined. I feel so humbled that you shared this part of yur story to help me, it was so brave of you and I in no way would want you to 'over-reach' your need to take care of yourself to help me. I'm glad and proud that you didn't write more of this past. I know all too well the 'black and white' thinking and it has driven me crazy all the time we have been together. Time and time again I have tried to explain 'shades of grey' that is what makes us human, but he never understood.The split in himself is so deep, so profoundly engrained in his psyche that the projections of this are so powerful and so painful to be on the receiving end. I never wanted to believe that my love for him was inadequate to 'fix' him, as you say (generously) that is hard for any woman of compassion, at the same time I believe it is also indicative of my own narcissistic omnipotence that this 'rescue' trait, this need to care-take can fix all ails. Part of the bruising to my own ego in all of this is the realisation that I am not so powerful, and perhaps that is a lesson that will help me walk away from the next guy who seems like he needs a whole heap of compassion just to throw me tit-bits of affection. Most if not all of our conflict has been based on a 'test of wills' , if he does indeed move from one split view of me that is presently bad to that of 'good' the new test for me will be to remain true to my knowledge that it will only be a matter of time before the 'bad' me, the 'monster' that I am to him in this projection will perhaps be more terrifying than before. As they seem to escalate these split projections with each challenge to integration. I had hope that the day he said 'I have come to realise that I can be angry with you and still love you', I felt overjoyed that perhaps change, deep and internal change was beginning to affect, an assimilation of good and bad into a more realistic world view of life and those in his. But it didn't take root as the rest of the story to date bears out. This makes me sad too, as I really believed at such times that change was promised, if only from the fleeting of glimpses that he showed. In the end it's not enough to make me happy, I get that now. I really appreciated what you wrote about valuing myself. If I did to start with I am sure I would have walked away from him long ago. But it's not too late is it, and I think I have already shown signs by calling time on this madness, I need to keep doing all the things that show me I am of value. It's so hard when I feel like a worthless piece of crap right now. ALl the things that I know will build my sense of value, exercising and eating right, are teh very things I least want to do because of a deep self-loathing right now. I must try harder to change that. I hope too that my messages can be of help to others at a similar place to me. I cannot tell you how much yours has helped me. Bless you and I am thrilled that you are moved from that place to one that gives you joy again, God bless you for you. Athena
Jun 26 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What I would've sent him

The ex-Psych prof started hoovering me&acting nice AS SOON AS HIS GIRLFRIEND MOVED IN. He had been incredibly cold&callous before, berating me to tears in front of my friends, and as soon as I met the girlfriend (and was NICE to her, I NEVER badmouthed her to him or anyone)... he was suddenly playing Mr. Nice Guy. I remember telling him with a sarcastic smile (knowing how much he hated being ridiculed),"What a MAN! Not taking responsibility for his actions!" If he had gotten romantic with me&sent bilge like what you've got, I would've said- Dear Mr. Spineless, It's nice to see you wallowing in misery now that I've left. Learn to live alone-it's about time. While you're at it, grow a pair. It would be NICE. A REAL MAN doesn't make his woman fight all the battles... and unlike you, little boy, takes RESPONSIBILITY. If you send me my things, I will send you some useful things in exchange- a rattle, a pacifier, and thanks to http://www.amazon.com you will be getting regular shipments of diapers. You clearly want a woman to babysit you, not be your spouse, partner, mother of your children. Your new bib is in the mail. Your pain and begging is lots of fun to watch.
Jun 26 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Dangerous

This guy is really something. Like mine. A little too smart & a little too educated. Mine wrote a letter like this, somewhat longer & more poetic, my mother thought it was beautiful. She was uninitiated into the psychopathology. Look. He's pushing all the blame onto you. You do not want to reconcile. And this is what he will tell people to make himself look good. "If god wills it so that we are not meant to be, then ok, but if you are willing it. . . ." It's ok if God doesn't will this. Nice of him. But if you are willing then "Please, please" give him another chance. Give me a break. You see -- love for him is UNCONDITIONAL. No matter what he does, he gets another chance (as if you were his mother). He wants another chance so he sends an e-mail? All his love with worth is an e-mail. Not a single flower. Not a consistent pattern of behavior -- lasing days, weeks & months to win you back. Just one grand gesture - an e-mail. And when you said no, the response was "OK." So much for his grand love & passion. I think of the a men that I have met in my life who have been dumped. Loss of weight. True mourning. Very sad. Lasted about 6 months to a year. These guys: OK. Snap of the fingers. Next. And voila instant love. About 6 days. Tops. Your's like mine . . . incapable of even giving a piece of jewelry. So cheap. Mine only hoovered me when he found out new woman was not as good a cash cow. Your's has nobody else. But, if you go back, he will be lining up new supply & will dump you as soon as he has got a new victim on the line. And when you wrote him -- why not ask him to have your stuff shipped. You don't ask because you know that he will not life a finger to please you. Oh, he says your friend can come -- or you in person (we'll see). But, he will do nothing to please the woman he loves to show her how he is changing & meriting one last chance. In fact, his e-mail was all about him. So little about you. Only YOU must give him another chance.
Jun 26 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Athena
Athena's picture

Agnes - Thank YOU!

What you have written is such a validation for me. He has always been telling me, 'I'll do anything not to lose you' and what a fucking 'ok' I'm so angry, at the same time he is making it quite plain to me what a dick he is. I'm sorry for my bad language. I'm just so pissed off and I KNEW that once I kicked him to the curb he'd acquiesce into the passive pice of shit he is. You're right a fucking 'ok' I'm so glad to read what you wrote about 'snap of the fingers', he's an ass, too clever of tongue, yes, too educated, yes too fucked up to have a relationship with a grown woman , YES! I'm so glad you intuited that which I know. HE HAS NO-ONE ELSE, I'm not gonna wait for him to get some-one else. FUCK HIM. And you are right too, I never asked him to ship my shit because like I KNOW all else, he won't lift a fucking finger. Agnes, thank you. I'm trembling but please help me, shall I 'disengage him from facebook' as in run thr likelihood that I'll show from 'engaged' to single? Fuck it, what do I care. THANK YOU!!!!! Please I need some support. Athena
Jun 26 - 9AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Me too

My ex begged me last week and cried etc etc and I fell for it and met him. 2 days later he was still with other woman, lying and when I challenged the lie he denigrated me and idealised her. No more The sadness for me is the loss of a dream...it hurts Jelic x
Jun 26 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Athena
Athena's picture

I feel broken (Jelic)

Dear Jelic (and all) I am so sorry for your sadness and with it the pain I know you feel right now. It is so soul-destroying to believe in the promises to give another try only to experience greater hurt. Dear Jelic, as I am telling myself, so I must tell you, you deserve so much better and you will get better, first you must believe you are worth it, live life like it. I know I can't do this right now and I doubt that you can either, but when you rise (which you will) you must tell yourself that you deserve the best and it will surely come to you. For anyone else reading too, I just wanted to ask for a little hug. I broke NC today and took a call from him, it started off all 'sweetness and light' and then came the slam, the mind fucking and insidious twists to the truth. Before hanging up on me he told me to 'make a decision' the fucking twisted maniac forgets that I have already done that. So I sent him an sms saying we're done, over , but this time he didn't 'beg' he simply replied 'ok'. I know now that all the time I wanted him to accept my decision that it's over, a part of me hoped he would fight for me. I can't ignore what my gut is telling me that actually he wants it over too, but the slime scum, non-man he is, had to as it has always been in our relationship, get me to take responsibility. That he has said 'ok' is what I want, it frees me, at the same time I am broken, I wanted to believe that he would fight for me as he said. I am in so much pain. Thank you for listening. Hugs for you ((((((((Jelic))))))) Athena
Jun 27 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Athena, so sorry that you had

Athena, so sorry that you had to deal with this so early on in your NC..........I am so very proud of you! Although breaking nc, you see him for what he is now and that takes a lot of courage and strength. I don't blame you for wanting to speak to him after receiving that letter. I would have done the same in the beginning, to read all the words you have longed to hear........how could you not? Stay strong kiddo. The hardest hill has been climbed and conguered! There will be many more, but you are on the road to healing for sure! Good for you! So proud! Smiles
Jun 27 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Athena
Athena's picture

Sparrow - thank you

for what you have written, it felt so tender. I am ashamed I broke the NC, but I thank you for not being mad, but understanding my weakness that is simply to love. It did show me who he really is, and that is both what I need to face but what is also so hard as it shatters the illusion we both had of him. I am hurting so much Sparrow, I just want this all to be over, the pain to go away. I feel devestated. Thank you for swaying you're proud, why can't I feel that. I'm in such pain, so many tears. I wish I could smile.
Jun 26 - 9AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Sense....less

It all makes perfect sense cepting the part about I don't know how to love so I destroy it. Sounds like a great person to build a family and life with, ...NOT! He's decent with words, so be careful. He's playing the "in my arms" card, a sex ploy, control, manipulation...I adore you so much...blah blah blah.. Let's call him the "Destroyer". What would you advise your best friend, or even a complete stranger about the prospects for future happiness with this N? Would you advise them to trust him? Or run like hell? The pattern has been set by him, it's completely up to you if you want to play. But play it will be, cause it's all a game to him. We don't end up on this site by accident! Narc free forward from here and make this Sunday a day of celebration of your independence from this assclown who will hurt you over and over again, unless it was all a series of bad breaks and misunderstandings, lol. To thine own self be true. I'm Done sourcing, how about you?