27 hrs and 23 minutes NC and I'm now shaking and in panic mode

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#1 Sep 29 - 1PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

27 hrs and 23 minutes NC and I'm now shaking and in panic mode

Help! I'm now subsiding from my anger and I don't want to! I am afraid now of the panic within me and reaching out to him. I am such a weakling at this NC stuff. I'm afraid of the weekend without him and I'm thinking too far ahead I know. I'm upset he hasn't contacted me either.
I'm having panic attacks now. I'm shaking and freaking out! My mind is a complete jumble again and I can't think straight enough even to write what I'm really thinking or feeling.

Sep 29 - 9PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

made the bed wrong

Oh, that's nothing. I closed the potato chip bag wrong on St. Patrick's Day, 2009. That's why I have never been invited to dinner again. He rolled his eyes, sighed, went back into the kitchen and got a roll of scotch tape. Carefully folded the bag six times, with equal folds, and measured a one inch strip of tape to secure the bag. "Oh, honey," he said, "you are a trial for any man."
Sep 29 - 9PM (Reply to #48)
shortway
shortway's picture

wow..i just laughed like

wow..i just laughed like when you are so nervous you almost cry but you laugh instead....omg...ok the potato chip bag thing topped the bed thing...wow...what is this the army??like army for N's and we are in N-boot camp..we should have just said ok"well let me go get some duct tape and taped their mouth shut measuring properly..lol..god i hate them!!!!!!
Sep 29 - 5PM
shortway
shortway's picture

I know..And I got charged a

I know..And I got charged a crazy amount of money I called att sobbing..because i was charged international rates..They gave me half my money back because of that s.o.b..If he had known it cost me tons i am sure the sicko would have texted 900 times..Unlike you I never got any kind words..I don't kno what I would do with them..At this point I wouldnt believe them..When he cheated and couldnt apologize and just blmaed me..he even said"look i just called you a *+*blank blank and you still are talking to me"..I never was called names until he cheated and got caught,this drives a N crazy,because no matter what he wouldn't admit he was wrong..so instead i got blamed..sick twisted saddistic weirdo...lol
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #41)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

shortway

You are 100% right that he would have sent 900 instead of 450 texts. that's how cruel they are! Mine has only said the words twice in 2 years. I have never heard a nice word otherwise and those words mean nothing. They say the cruelest things and when mine cheated on me (more than once) he never apologized either. They are incapable as seeing they did anything wrong. Yes, we are to blame for them cheating on us! That's just NUTS! They are wacko! We get blamed for everything!!! I want a normal and healthy future as you do.
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #42)
shortway
shortway's picture

Omg another time..get

Omg another time..get this..this is a good one too..I helped him move into his apartment..lifting heavy furniture etc..rushing because he wanted to 'get done"..so I am finally finished and imade his bed..And I am sweating and dirty..so I go to sit down on the couch..he comesin and turns the corner and says"you made the bed wrong"...MADE THE BED WRong????wtf..then he goes into the kitchen and goes into the drawer..I just got up...I got in his face and I said with my pointer finger"let me tell you a little something,you will never suppress me,you've got the wrong girl"..and i left....so when i left he was texting,texting.."i can't believe you left like that..but with this cheating,since my kind heart gave him a second chance he ate it up..he saw that I helped that day with moving him in and he dint' want to give me that satisfaction of actually being an equal partner..so he had to say what he said..
Sep 29 - 8PM (Reply to #43)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

shortway

Made the bed wrong! That's really great! And he expected you to redo it like a good little girl? I hate them for how the belittle us. Do we say this crap to anyone we know? Nope! But somehow we have taken this as all normal part of life for them to put us down in everything we do and nothing is good enough. Yet, my N always says that everything he does for is never good enough. I am always puzzled with that comment because I can't figure out what he has done for me? He has given me awesome headaches! A few unnecessary pimples from stress! He has caused me to go on anti depressants for the first time in my life. He has caused me to go to an out patient hospital for the first time in my life! He has done so very much for me and I guess i don't appreciate or thank him enough. Thanks jagoff!!! That's more thanks than he's given me too! 8-)
Sep 29 - 8PM (Reply to #44)
shortway
shortway's picture

Believe me,I would have been

Believe me,I would have been in an outpatient faciality if I was home and not on my business trip..If you saw these texts and what he said on top of me being in pain from the cheating..I have to go get my blackberry fixed in the city because I can't scroll down on my trackball..I am just worried the people who fix it will see it all!!!
Sep 29 - 8PM (Reply to #45)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

shortway

I understand and I was there over the Summer. I had to go to an outpatient facility because I was mentally exhausted from the extreme abuse I was receiving. He wouldn't let up on me. In fact, I had the same problem with my scroll ball breaking from all the texting we had done back and forth. The exact same thing. It's a horrible thing. Those things haven't occurred between him and I anymore because I won't allow him to see when he upsets me. He uses that against me and feeds his Narc supply with it. Just like now I would never ever go cry to him. I know him too well now and that's not a good thing. I'm getting to know how this works far too well. Very bad.
Sep 29 - 9PM (Reply to #46)
shortway
shortway's picture

Exactly..isnt it funny how

Exactly..isnt it funny how they eat us alive whn we are upset and when we are angry or strong..for me.for instance,I don't hear a response back..I think that part is great..He even had the nerver to tell me after i was actualy being nice saying"you're lucky i'm in a good mood tonight,or else I would say what i usually say"..oh i should have thanked him for kind kind caring...
Sep 29 - 4PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

if you can try to stay busy

if you can try to stay busy this weekend it will help. weekends are abit of a challenge. if you dont have people you can call to help you, you can call me... let me know if you need my number. hugs
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #38)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Fierflie

Thank you! I have no plans this weekend as every weekend revolves around my N for the past 2 years and I have desire to make plans at all. I would appreciate your number and dread this upcoming weekend very much.
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #39)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

absolutely! email me

absolutely! email me abqbelly@yahoo.com and post on here alot. these women are angels, i swear. i'm still early in recovery myself, but i'm sure i can help you not call him :)
Sep 29 - 3PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

I really feel for you; I know you and I have a lot of the same feelings and issues with our narcs and have had a lot of trouble going NC. Remember that it's a process. Every time you feel a little less. I have to say that the last time I was physically with him, I honestly did not feel very much of anything, and I never would have believed that. I also never ever thought I could block him and keep him blocked. I did it before and I would always unblock him and text him sappy, wistful things at night and ruin everything. If I can do this you can do it. I've slipped up a bit in person with him, but I am making strides. You are too, kiddo. Be strong. You are beautiful and wonderful.
Sep 29 - 3PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

I really feel for you; I know you and I have a lot of the same feelings and issues with our narcs and have had a lot of trouble going NC. Remember that it's a process. Every time you feel a little less. I have to say that the last time I was physically with him, I honestly did not feel very much of anything, and I never would have believed that. I also never ever thought I could block him and keep him blocked. I did it before and I would always unblock him and text him sappy, wistful things at night and ruin everything. If I can do this you can do it. I've slipped up a bit in person with him, but I am making strides. You are too, kiddo. Be strong. You are beautiful and wonderful.
Sep 29 - 3PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

I really feel for you; I know you and I have a lot of the same feelings and issues with our narcs and have had a lot of trouble going NC. Remember that it's a process. Every time you feel a little less. I have to say that the last time I was physically with him, I honestly did not feel very much of anything, and I never would have believed that. I also never ever thought I could block him and keep him blocked. I did it before and I would always unblock him and text him sappy, wistful things at night and ruin everything. If I can do this you can do it. I've slipped up a bit in person with him, but I am making strides. You are too, kiddo. Be strong. You are beautiful and wonderful.
Sep 29 - 4PM (Reply to #29)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

Thank you helldweller! Your words mean a lot to me. I know we do have a lot of similarities with our N's and I've seen you are making some very huge strides to get away from yours. You are inspiring me with what you are doing and I hope to be catching up. I haven't cried at all but do feel very panic ridden right now. I am very sweaty (gross) and my mind is in overdrive about a million things and yet I can't concentrate on one single thing. Makes no sense. I will keep trying. Thank you!
Sep 29 - 4PM (Reply to #30)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

You KNOW this is your body physically reacting to being away from him. I know it, too, but we have to pound that into our heads. It's chemicals, stimulated by looking at them, listening to them, smelling them, touching them. Your body wants them because it's used to them. It's all science. Don't mistake it for anything else. Thinking hard, good thoughts and sending prayers. Hang tough, kiddo. It really is war.
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #31)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

It's a horrible feeling to feel so shaky and out of it. I'm fretting over the fact he hasn't contact me but I need to focus on me not contacting him. I'm going to keep fighting to remain silent and pray this is finally it for me. Thanks!
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #34)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's good! That's what helps me so much@! They try to make it look like it's their decision to end it when it's actually ours. It kills your resolve, I know! Avoid him; don't give him the chance to take your victory away. Do not do it!
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #32)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's good! That's what helps me so much@! They try to make it look like it's their decision to end it when it's actually ours. It kills your resolve, I know! Avoid him; don't give him the chance to take your victory away. Do not do it!
Sep 29 - 8PM (Reply to #33)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

You know I'm waiting for some sort of twisted email from him that it's not working for him or I'm being selfish. Something to set me off or upset me. I know the best medicine is to keep NC. I really have no problem with that tonight. There's nothing he could say right now that would make me feel good about talking to him again. He's such a miserable waste of space.
Sep 29 - 3PM
tica
tica's picture

Shortway

Love the KO before NC...I did the same..he thought he had me and I said, "I want out, out of EVERYTHING, the condo, the business, us the truck, and all of your madness.." we still had 2 days togehter after that, he jsut didn't know what approach to take....nothing worked..i'm GONE...a little poorer in finances, but so much richer in life and recognizing Narcs..think it was worth the price, there's got to be something better after this lesson...the lesson isn't learned until we stay totally NC, and then it becomes apparent..at least this is what I am aiming for...will read your story:) Like your guts!!! It's fun to know you have them still, yes?
Sep 29 - 4PM (Reply to #26)
shortway
shortway's picture

Yep,still got the guts..I'm

Yep,still got the guts..I'm waiting for any response so I can deliver a second KO blow..out cold!!!..But you are right they don't know how to respond to that..And I got him when he is vulnerable when the new girl(girl I caught him with)is going away..So I got him good:0)..Revenge is best served cold..He almost ruined my new job prospect in europe..I had to put on a brave face while all this was going on..i had 450 text messages...yes 450..while i was away of him and i going back and forth..mostly me being weak and him walking all over me..The people around me helped and this board...It was like slow motion..picture a boxing match..like one is down and just trembles up,dizzy,seeing double,staggered...but comes over and does a slow motion KO...yep!..Thats what it was:)..
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

shortway

I understand when you say that you had 450 texts on your business trip. This has happened to my N and I multiple times. The past couple times he has cheated on me or something like this has happened I realize that he will never understand and it isn't doing me any good to beg such a cruel and sick man to return to me? He came to me this last time and I went back to him because he told me he loved me for the first time after 2 years of waiting. He has not shown any love after he has said those words. He's a sick SOB.
Sep 29 - 2PM
janine
janine's picture

You are not weak

Why do you insist on saying such negative things about yourself, Happy? Isn't it enough what you have put up with so far? Don't you see that you are the opposite of a weakling, that you are being brave for trying hard, when this is so extremely difficult? You have a lot of courage, when you feel your fears and do it anyway. Make plans for the weekend. Try to have company, to go out, be active, so you won't be tempted to contact him. Run, bike, swim all you can to work off the adrenaline. Give yourself a lovely treat at the end of the day. Perhaps it will help you to make a list of all you told us he has done to you and read it as often as necessary. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Big hug.
Sep 29 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

janine

Thank you and I will try to be kind to me tonight. I have been fighting back tears the past few minutes and don't want to break. I want to keep stable and strong right now.
Sep 29 - 1PM
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

I have been there Happy

I know what you are feeling and it sucks so bad. It's so difficult in the beginning. But I promise if you just promise to not contact him today, tomorrow, this minute, this hour.....you are eventually going to start gaining some clarity and you will be able to see things as they really are. I literally felt like I was detoxing those first few months without him....But I very deliberately made myself feel it everyday...I needed to feel the pain and the rejection and the fear and the lonliness to know that I could get thru them all by myself and it didn't kill me. In fact, I am getting stronger and wiser..it's in our moements that we build our strength...I still have my days...alot...where I miss him and wish things could be different....but the intensity is not as bad and the frequancy is getting less. Please hang in there and know that you are doing the right thing even though it feels so wrong. There were days I wanted to rip my skin b/c I was just so miserable. But know that this is temporary....it will pass...and you will get thru the minute, the hour, the day, the day, the week...,..YOU WILL....Feel what you gotta feel and then do everything in your power to stay true to your self... Be strong....We are here for you and you are not alone. xoxo Sherry
Sep 29 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Sherbear

Your comment about wanting to rip your skin b/c you were so miserable. That's how I feel now. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I'm so uncomfortable and agitated is a nice word for what I feel right now. I have made along list of things I would like to say to him and just keep adding and saving in my email. Thank you for your support and I need to get through today.
Sep 29 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

First off good for you to

First off good for you to get this out on here :) Second . . . no one has ever had their head explode from panic and fear. Panic and fear are self limiting. They can make you believe something really AWFUL is going to happen, but it won't happen. I promise. What you want to do to ease this panic and fear is to slam some more "dope". Even though you know that he will abuse you and humiliate you, inevitably. You are in perfect control, here. You will either choose to wrestle yourself (and all those feelings) further away from HIM and into a healthier activity, or you'll give in and settle for that "dope". Either way, honey, you choose. Right now you need lots of contact and support to counteracting your jonesing. It's very good that you posted here :)
Sep 29 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Briseis

Thank you! I'm here because I don't want to deal with his abuse anymore. I don't want to hear his excuses and accept whatever he says. I am tired of letting my life slip by and not care about what I want but he always wants. I'm tired of making my house perfect for him when he comes over and he still says it's dirty. I'm tired of paying for all the food we eat and preparing all the meals we have together. I'm tired of waiting on him hand and foot and he just expects more. I'm tired of not hearing an "I'm sorry" when he is dead wrong. I'm tired of apologizing for things that I'm not even wrong at. I'm tired of worrying who he is with and who he is sleeping with now. I'm tired of wondering who he texting when he is with me. I'm tired of wondering what he is thinking when he gives me the silent treatment. I'm tired of wondering if I stand up for myself will he break up with me. I'm tired of knowing this is all abnormal and still being with him. I am no contact and now I'm in panic for him not contacting me and yet I don't want to talk to him. I'm tired of him not recognizing what a great woman he has and completely disrespecting me each and every day. I'm tired of him taking advantage of my kindness. I know I deserve better. I am my own worst enemy for caving into him. He gives me nothing and I take it.