Out of the Blue

During the years that we were together I shared with the Narc my: medical physician; dermatologist; hair dresser; and cpa. Mine were and are all better than his were.
I went to my cpa's office today to pick up my tax preparation and review that. My narc always always waits til the last minute to pick his up. After taking care of business my cpa and I always chit chat for awhile. I had previously told him, several weeks ago that the narc and I are no longer together. Out of the blue today he said "When X was here he said that he ....(his activity)" ie he went early this year. I instantly went numb, carried on the conversation as if nothing happened to me. Once I left his office I got into my car and started crying, my thinking was all about how I miss him and that he was in my neighborhood and didn't contact me and doesn't want me because I'm not good enough for him. Later on the drive I tried to cry but had no tears. Now at work I can't concentrate, can't focus on my work, I feel jittery and hopeless about establishing my own life again and having a normal person love me. All this from one sentence!?
I don't want to call /contact him. I want him to call/contact me. He won't.
I'm disrupted. I'm also shocked at how disrupted I am. This disruption tells me just how toxic my N is to me and frankly, it's a surprise. This is the first time the awareness of his toxicity has moved from my intellectual understanding to my cellular understanding and frankly it's awful (not strong enough word) Just one sentence stirred up all the longing again. I'm trying to think about all his cruelties so that I don't cry and long for him and will harden myself. I guess having his toxicity hit at the cellular rather than the intellectual level of understanding is another step in healing....I hope.
I do not want to contact him because all he'll do is be cruel to me and it would allow him to gloat that he still "has" me or at the least he's so wonderful that I had to call him. Nope! NOt doing it.
Thanks for listening. I'm really glad you all are here!