its funny how I can see now how boring you actually were!
its funny how I can see now how boring you actually were!
Occasionally throughout our relationship you showed glimpses of the real you and real honesty came out. At the time thought I was privilege to be witness to this raw and disturbing honesty but now when I remember those things you accidentally let slip out I look at you and wonder what it must be like to be so disconnected with yourself, if you feel like a monster, if you are proud to be one, if you feel anything at all and if so whether when you do allow yourself to feel what that pain feels like and if it is more excruciating than the pain you put me through. I can only imagine it must be: the pain you feel when you finally allow yourself to see yourself must be so great that it causes you to create a whole new personality around yourself rather than face the horrible reality.
I think at first you honestly thought you loved me, sometimes I would catch you looking at me and think how lucky I was to have someone look at me like that. For the most part it felt like lust or obsession or possession but sometimes I fooled myself into thinking it was love. Its this I miss. The fact that you were so sparing with those times make it a rare commodity and therefore I valued it even more.You regularly told me no one would ever love me like you do or ever would. At the time I was scared that might be the case. Now I can say, please god/universe/myself/whoever, let no one ever love me like you did and let me find the strength to walk away immediately if anyone ever tries again. Because your kind of love is killing and abusive.
You see yourself as a prize a rare few woman should be competing to achieve and should feel lucky to even have small opportunities to experience. You are the person that we strong women call into our lives when we want to learn a lesson or two. You think you are coming into our lives then dropping up when you are done but on a much much deeper level I think it almost works the other way. You are destined to go from relationship to relationship teaching people something they are calling for. You may trick us at the beginning and you may know how to cause addiction and you may bring out emotions that are so hightend we have never experience them before or may never again but non of that is a good thing. If I could have learnt these lessons without ever having met you, oh my god I wish I could have but life doesn't work like that. My messages were brought me to me by a hot man who I was destined to be around for 3 years until I finally saw what it was I was meant to. Thats all you were to me. The residue of pain is still there for me to work through but thats not down to you in anyway, thats down to the fact that I am a normal functioning human being with a full range of emotions and am connected to myself and determined to work through this. For that reason I grieve in a normal human way. I am not surprised if you are not following this, I wouldn't expect you to understand a normal human condition, I am sure you see that as weak and a win to you. And for that, I pity you.
I know you dont care what I think now, you dont think about me at all now that you have your new source who doesnt call you out on things, who doesnt want to hear the bad stories from your past and who says she will be standing by you no matter what. Congratulations. You have found a life puppet. Congratulations you manipulated a poor woman into behaving like a mindless monster herself. Does it make you proud? I know you found it funny to say to people that you think you drove me mad. Congratulations. You broke a person into a million pieces. Some people achieve peace, some people save lives, some people make it there mission to find happiness for themselves and others. You have managed to break a person. I would say thats not the hardest of tasks you have set yourself but to be honest I wouldnt really know for sure and most people wouldnt know that as most people would find that a monstrous act to set out for. Not you, thats the only thing you have really achieved. Despite a lot of talk about about your successes; charging forward at work, supporting and 'managing' your family, getting any girl you want exactly where you want her, now I am out and I can look at the fuss surrounding you I see it is all your talk. You struggle at work with people constantly being put out by your demeanour and behaviour, your friendship base is limited and you are not particularly well respected (I mean ultimately I was embarrassed to introduce you to people!). You're family all stand by you yes but at what cost- they have had to adapt themselves and their personalities to accomodate the fact that they have a member of the family they have to defend despite of everything.
When I think of how hard you pressured me into starting a family I feel nothing but relief in the fact that I stood my ground quietly and ensured that wouldnt happen- I cant imagine bringing a child into the world with such a monster for a father. I am sorry to say this as I dont really want to bring others into this but sometimes when I try to make myself feel better for having 'lost' you, I think about your mother. I think about how she made you the way you are and I think about what a lucky escape I had in not having to spend another minute in her presence. The two of you are just not very nice people. At all. People are scared to say that to you and no one would ever disrespect you or your family enough to tell you this but really neither you, your mother or your sister are very nice people at all. I think about what a bullet I dodged by not creating grandchildren for that woman. I think about how hard I would have had to work to keep my children safe from her and the effect she has so obviously had on children in the past. Its not just you, your sister and your brother were abused by her too. One or two times when the fog lifted you saw this too but for 99.9% of the time you were consumed by your created personality which was just as obsessed with your mother as she was with you and you will continue the cycle of abuse long into any relationships you go onto create.
Fairly soon I will muster up some compassion for your latest puppet. For now, as I am a normal human being with normal emotions, I am working through the pain she has caused me with her verbal attacks and harassment at work in her attempts to smooth over the obvious underlying uneasiness she must be feeling right about now, desperately trying to convince herself it is all the fault of the ex girlfriend and not at all the charming, all loving, prince charming who has swooped into her life and promised her endless love until her dying days. Occasionally I am scared that she is the one that will change you and complete a task I wasnt able to but two things; 1) I know really you cant change, you know it, I know, your family and friends know it and 2) amazing, if she is the one that ends up with you forever, well then she will be the one who for the first year of her relationship was sharing her prince charming with the his ex the one he was chasing around the world, she will be the one who you vehemently denied being with for around 8 months, she will be the one who was so insecure within the first 6 months that she found me at a work event and screamed at me in front of all my work colleagues to leave you alone. The one you then had to move in with straight away to prove how together you were, the one who made you delete any evidence of previous relationships. Well good luck, sounds incredibly healthy and full of promise for a long and happy life together if this is your plan. Im sure all strong, healthy and happy relationships start this way. Me? When I am ready to move into another relationship I will be looking for something slightly different. All of what you offer is just so unappealing to me now, so boring, so tiring, so full of hassle and lacking in love or real passion or interest.
When I think back now, I know at the time I found everything you said so fascinating but without my addiction goggles on my god you were boring. Eating out with you texting and staring at your phone, hearing you repeat a view we had both heard someone else say that day as if it was yours, wondering what the hell I was doing there when you would fall into a sullen mood and stop talking. Looking back that wasn't passion or excitement that was just plain boring and my god I have so much more to offer than making up for your boring plastic nature. Believe me I have experienced it before you and I will experience it after you too.
I look forward to starting to receive your texts/calls etc when this one gets a bit boring for you or when she is a bit tired because she is pregnant or when you have children and they are demanding attention and you are not getting it or when she starts believing what is going on behind her back with other girls. At that time what I look forward to most is being in my happy life, maybe (though who knows) even being with a loving partner, cooking in my home, feeling happy and free and being my true self, reading your message, deleting your message and getting back to cooking dinner with that being all the attention I give to you. Maybe giving myself the luxury of one slightly smug thought about how lucky I am to not be part of that anymore.
Thank-you, without you coming into my life I wouldnt have been even stronger and happier than I was before, I wouldnt have known how to look for and give real genuine love and wouldnt have known to recognise it and the opposite of that so clearly. So I guess you do play an important role in this life after all! Now get on with your own business and leave mine alone you pathetic monster!