My Story - Mr. Seductive Voice but I'm Lying to YOU
My Story - Mr. Seductive Voice but I'm Lying to YOU
I have been in a so-called relationship with someone who I truly believe is a person with NPD. This has been going on for approximately 3 years, on and off. It is a strange situation, where a lot of strange things happened and a lot of information was withheld from me. However, with my upbringing and my FOO, I recognize a lot about why I continued to be involved with this man. I am seeing a therapist in a week and hope to be connected with someone who is informed about narcissists/sociopaths. But I’m not sure that the therapist will be up on the subject.
I have been essentially NC for 6 short weeks now. Just before Valentine’s Day, we had words, as I was so fed up with his blowing hot and cold. He had been blowing hot 5 days before V day, but ignoring me as V day drew nearer. I wrote him a break up text (as we never really had a fight) after 10 days of radio silence. We had NC for an entire 18 months in the middle of this “relationship.” My N is a very intelligent, charming, well spoken 28 year old man, who is a total failure at keeping a job, finishing college or keeping romantic relationships going for more than 2 months. Although, he has loads of male buddies from whom he receives continual N supply and most of those friendships he has kept for years.
I was love bombed and then treated with the devaluation, all that confusion and broken heartedness of where did he go, why is he not talking with me as much, and then got the excuses and lies to keep me as one of his supplies. I believe my ex N has a harem, like most of them do. He insisted he had nobody else, but he was very secretive and I turned my face away from the multitude of excuses he was always coming up with. He let some important things slip, like coming out on the phone one day, saying he was never going to fall in love with “anybody, ever.” Then he quickly back peddled and told me he was in love with me, all in 30 seconds of conversation. Additionally, my exN never really came out with the L word until the last month or 6 weeks of our relationship, almost as if he knew that I was losing hope and was going to flee. I was beginning to treat him the same way as he treated me, not being available for days, then I would finally take his call and he would love bomb me back into his arms again, with all that exquisite charm. Just to be devalued the very next day or a couple of days later. Nothing ever changed.
I had previously been in a relationship with this same exN, and ended up going NC for 18 months before I ever heard about doing NC. I also had no idea he was a hopeless, seriously disturbed narcissist. During those 18 months I “forget to remember” what he had done. In fact, I forgot about him pretty much altogether. After 18 or so months, I unblocked him on FB, telling myself that he wouldn’t even remember me. (He didn’t have my new phone number). Well, talk about letting the devil in the back door. Three days later he inboxed me acting like no time had passed at all and saying that there was something I should have allowed him to say. I said sure, say whatever. My heart didn’t jump and I was pretty indifferent. I gave him my new number so he could text me on Whatsapp. Then he used voice messages and called me often to tell me he was sorry and that he had missed me. (He knew I was extremely attracted to his voice, so obviously he wanted to seduce and love bomb me more by voice messages, than by text – he knows I’m into voice, not texting. This guy has a magnificent voice, very hypnotic even). He said he had missed me many times, and said he was sorry about “whatever happened” before. Exact words. So he never admitted to anything and we didn’t talk about what had happened. We got “together” again, but in a different way. NOW, he was hitting me with the charm, the love bombing: I was so beautiful, he had missed me seriously, etc. I was deluged with attention. Soon we were an item again, but even more than ever!! So the texting, phone calls, and beautiful voice messages continued. It was wonderful. I was ecstatic!! He did share that he was in a low mood and that things weren’t going well with him, his mother ill, and he was often sick himself, his job was crap, etc. I believe I was being the Madonna for him, when I look back on it.
He was all for getting into a deeper relationship. Even then, for the next 8 weeks, we had constant disagreements about him not being willing to establish a normal amount of emotional intimacy with me. I was crying and sad a lot, and I think it gave him lots of supply. (I still didn’t know he was an N).
I have to admit that my exN was not abusive in outward ways. He was very sneaky about it. He only raised his voice once on the phone, briefly, and that was after I had given him an ultimatum that if we were not going to be more emotionally intimate, then we were going to be just friends. Well he beat me to it by breaking up with me and saying we could be just friends, whereas I had already felt desperation to NOT break up and become friends only. I was given the friend card. I learned later that they have a fear of losing N supply or being abandoned and will rush to do the abandoning first.
Since then, I really never became his girlfriend again. We were “friends” with whom he started flirting with when he felt like it. I came across this website and started reading the stories and the behaviors of N’s because I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want to be sexual with me anymore. I really can’t remember what tipped me off, but luckily something did. I read some of Sam Vaknin’s information online and said, Uh oh. Everything started to make more sense to me. Also I could see that when I came back to him, he treated me worse than before. I was being given bread crumbs, but was expected to give HIM a lot, whenever he called for it!!!
Other than that, he did turn everything around and blame me, he lied to me constantly, whether needing to cover up anything or not, he gaslighted me, he did neglect me a lot and not share much about himself, was shallow, disappeared without warning or explanation, gave me the silent treatment, promised things he never delivered, was future faking, and used a little of my money for his own playing, although thankfully, it wasn’t a large amount. I felt more lonely in that relationship then if I had been really alone. All these things are covert abuse and I’m reeling from it still, still loving the false mask he love bombed me with and also the charm he continued to exude when he wanted/needed to. He never swore at me or called me names. He easily said he was sorry (but did he mean it? I doubt it), and he easily said thank you. We were in the habit of saying God bless you, blessings, I’m praying for you, thank you for your love and care, but I believe these are all him reflecting me back to me, as this is how I am. I told him I loved him to the end, except not in the goodbye letter I eventually wrote. Even then I was kind, although expressing that I was through giving him chances and telling him he had treated me bad (of course he knew this!!). I believe he trained me to be kind to him no matter what the situation, that is: to never argue about anything going on in reality, just never discuss the real issues at all.
Around this Valentine’s Day 2015, I wrote him a goodbye note (which I wish I had never done. I feel I just should have blocked him and ignored him with no explanation whatsoever). After 26 days he responded to my “goodbye, breaking up with you and not even going to be friends or ever talk with each other ever again” note with this short text: “Great. You did this.” I didn’t respond. But it makes me ill and unsettled. I know, I KNOW, I should have blocked him from replying! Two days go by. I still haven’t responded, but haven’t blocked him. I really expected nothing more from him. I couldn’t even figure out what that short obscure message even meant. Two days later, he sends me this text: (this is 36 days of “NC” for me ), and says what I guess HIS version of goodbye. He wrote, “ Glad to see you happy. God bless you…And my last message to you…Thanks and sorry…”
Most of his talking with me has been this smooth or smoother. Is he saying goodbye and actually giving me closure here? Or is he keeping a door open like N’s usually do? I guess I’ll never know. It was so soft and kind that I cried. I feel like being in touch, but I know nothing will ever get better. (Remember I had been brainwashed into being kind to him no matter how he neglected and ignored me). I really don’t think it’s closure. I feel we all have to figure out our own closure anyway, to get on with our lives and to become ourselves again.
I know he respects me more now that I am not falling for his crap and that I am not under his power anymore. (I’m pretty sure he knows I’ve seen through his disguise). As you all very well know, it is difficult when you know you had some very tender and sweet times in the not so distant past. But then I have to weigh all the above bs along with his sweet and FAKE words in order to keep from breaking NC. I know I will just be miserable all over again. I wonder if this was him with his first hoover after these 36 days of NC? I have heard there is a difference between NC and just not responding. I have not responded to him and will not be responding.
We had those sweet times we all talk about, but under it all, there is his contempt of us turning our faces the other way and putting up with their lies. He’s just great at keeping it smooth, so very smooth. One person on this site told me his texts were “scrambled, meaningless messages,” probably meant to continue to screw with my head. He certainly didn’t explain enough for the texts to reveal any angst of his own, as he probably has little angst except that he may have been rushing to obtain new N supply, thus maybe he came close to an N injury. There is probably contempt underneath these mild mannered words.
Meanwhile, to work on myself, I have FOO issues with many N’s: my parents, my brother, both ex hubbies, and boyfriends, so I am constantly on guard now for any sign of N behaviors. I am not dating, but I will converse or text with a man, and if he shows the signs of narcissism, I am gone, blocking him all over the place! Starting therapy as soon as possible and continuing to read books about narcissism and to read everything on this site. Thanks so much for being here!!! xxxx Majolica