Struggling... I nearly married him

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#1 Mar 23 - 11AM
inlovewithanarc
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Struggling... I nearly married him

Tom and I had as I think most on here... the 'perfect' relationship. My only concern was the speed at which it all happened. Everything seemed fast, first date and he had basically moved in.. then there was hints at the L bomb before he finally said it.. I say finally it was 6 weeks into our relationship. Then at 7 months he spoke to my friends about proposing, asked my dad and we were engaged at 11 months. Tom wanted to get married as soon as possible, I wanted to wait a year and a bit, everything had been fast and like most brides I wanted to slim down for the big day.

Anyways Tom morphed into my ideal guy, anything that he had previously done that wasn't an interest to me was disregarded such as a band he played in and friends he knew might not be my kind of people - were gone. It was me and him, so much so I stopped seeing/speaking to my friends as much, he became my world and I his. Neither of our parents live in the city we live in so it really was the 2 of us. He has a very complicated relationship with his family - huge daddy issues (thinks he hates him and treated him badly) and says that he could take or leave them all, but does rely on them when needed. I say rely it is more like if he needs praise/sympathy or something from them.

Anyway, everything seemed great - I cannot deny he wasn't the kind/loving guy I met but then again neither was I the sweet, cute girl he had met, I just put it down to all relationships and us being comfortable, as although he was moody and would flip at the smallest thing I just put it down to him and I loved him so ignored it (let me be clear he never did anything physical to me) but would get annoyed at the smallest things.

Then 2 years into our relationship (5 months before the wedding) Tom cheats he pulls 2 girls in the space of a week and goes on a dating site for and I quote 'attention' he managed to talk me round though and even turned it on me, saying I didn;t give him attention and that he was keeping himself in top condition and I was not doing the same for him. I ended up apologising for neglecting him and decided I needed to bring my A game and be there for my man.

So over the next few months, I gymed it and I juiced it and I lost lots of weight for the wedding and for Tom. I was feeling great, and without sounding Narcy myself - starting to look it too. At times Tom would be amazing and say something encouraging and lovely the next he would p[ut me down. If he couldnt put down my looks he would make a dig about my intellect. I hardly noticed, because I was marrying the man of my dreams and I was so excited, even after his slip up, I had managed to put it down to ME.

Then out of the blue he turned to me one Sunday night and said 'I could cheat on you and I wouldn't feel guilty, you could cheat on me and I wouldn't care', 'I don;t love you like I did at the start, I have fallen out of love with you, I don;t get butterflies anymore' I was in shock - where had this come from - the next few days were a blur we said we would try and work on it but all I got were lists of things I needed to change and percentages of how 'in love' he felt with me that day. Then I asked him in his gut did he want this - he said he didn;t know so I ended it. Somehow Tom managed to turn this into his decision not wanting to lose control and just poof disappeared ... I say disappeared we were in touch daily but it was mainly me, as Tom had already set up his new supply behind my back, and just like I and the ones before me, he was already staying there - telling her he was 'falling in love with her' after a week. I then met up with Tom - he told me he was confused this was roughly 3 weeks after ending. He said he was seeing this new girl but he was really confused - we ended up sleeping together and I told him I won't be the 'other woman' he needed to end it with Ruth - for whatever reason whether it was adreniline I am unsure but I know he ended it with the other girl as she told me (we have met up since and compared notes ... scary) then once he had me back the novely wore of ... fast. He was not the same Tom that I had fallen in love with, it was as if he didn;t care if I saw the 'real' him. He was mean, manipulative and cruel, acting bored at my stories and me in general - until I would pull away - then I was his WORLD. He then joint the dating site again and dated girls behind my back this went on for roughly a month over Christmas and Jan. I again found out so told him to piss off. He AGAIN managed to turn it to his decision and seemed to take great joy in telling me he knew it wuldn;t work - he now thought of me more as a friend - contracdicting as he had also told me it was all about sex....

So I finally started to get myself on track spent time with my friends - Tom started seeing one of the dates more intensely (moved in obviously after 3 dates) and then just before valentines day he got in touch saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. And on Valentines day he bmbarded me with cards/messages - saying all the right things... I was instantly back ... he moved his stuff in the next day. He seemed 'different' like he had really learnt his lesson and was really trying. He cried to me about how he felt he had nearly lost me and even spoke about us using our wedding date but going out to Vegas and getting married. He was being Tom again.. my Tom... that was short lived. He told his family we were back together and we spent a weekend with them - they wanted to know what was going on and we spoke - I spoke. Tom was shut off by now.. again the novelty was gone or the girl he had been seeing before seemed more appealing (he is back there again) I told him it would take work to get us back on track... he seemed bored by this and wanted to be instantly back to us and couldn't understand why it felt 'different', I was walking on eggshells trying to be the best I could be - he how ever was cruel and told me things that the other girls hed been dating would do for him and how if I wanted to 'keep him' I had to step up my game. We ended a few days after - I again started it but Tom ended it and did not put up a fight. He just said he had missed me and had confused that with Love. He was no longer 'in love' with me.

My issues are this;

Although the above looks like an essay I have not been able to go into the cruel things Tom has taunted me with but I want to know if others believe him to have PD and specifically Narcissism by how he has behaved (I made him do 2 online assessments which came back at the highest you could score)

He has also started giving me No contact - everyone says this is a blessing but it seems everyone else has the issue the other way round - Tom is not bothering me, in fact he is the opposite he has blocked me from everything and told me to 'move on' and that I am making a fool of myself by contacting him. (It has been 3 weeks - I have mailed him every 1 - 2 days sometimes managing to not for 4-5 but I have mailed him, he either replies cold or ignores me) I am starting to feel like a crazy ex girlfriend that is obsessed. He is back with the girl he was seeing before he 'won' me back on Valentines day. He said to me that she may be 'the one' which hurt so much, but then I realised he has said that 3 of us have been 'the one' in the space of 2 months.... that can't be real emotion he's feeling - but then that means that he didn;t feel it with me either.

I know nobody can put a timescale on when I will feel better, but right now I feel so alone and I cannot see an end to this - I cry most nights still. Some advice would be great and just speaking to others who have been through similar.

Thanks

Mar 23 - 12PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Welcome to the forum

Mar 23 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Is he a Narc?Could be, he

Mar 23 - 11AM
stayingstrong11
stayingstrong11's picture

Yes he does