Letter to the Rattlesnake

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#1 Feb 24 - 6PM
NewMe63
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Letter to the Rattlesnake

Rattlesnake,

I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone in my life. Until. Now. And I’m trying to let it flow, because not feeling it and acknowledging it has allowed you to come back into my life too many times. I’ve made excuses for you, believed all of your lies, and not trusted myself and my intuition because I just couldn’t accept what you are. And now I know. I know in a way I’ve never known before.

What I believe now is that you are definitely a Narcissist. A personality disorder. There’s no one in there. You use people for supply to your ego, which is all that makes up who you are. When we started working together, I was good supply. You thought I was beautiful, most people liked me, and you thought I would make you look good. Then when Robby and I started having problems, and we started working together and talking, you finally had your chance. And you took it in a big way. You became everything I needed. You listened to me and we forged a deeper friendship, and you made me feel so special. A way I’d never felt before. The way my dad made me feel. I couldn’t believe it. Right under my nose was my soul mate, and I didn’t know it for 13 years. We were so lucky to have this. It was so wonderful. There was nobody like us. We got married, and a couple of years into it, you started losing your mask. You started watching a lot of online porn, and started ignoring me and taking me for granted, until I’d get mad at you, then you’d become that guy again and make it all okay, until I got over it. This started occurring more and more, and you even became verbally abusive a couple of times. You were letting the Cindy and Cassie saga run our lives, and I tried so hard to help you fix that, and to understand, but when I started becoming the enemy, I knew it was time to get out. I asked you to move out. You couldn’t believe it. Nothing like that had ever happened to you in your life. You being rejected. No way.

So you became that guy again, hiking with me and coming over every night and telling me how wonderful I was, how great we were. I believed you so much, that things had changed, that I asked you to move back in. You did for about 5 days, then said you couldn’t do it. That you felt like you were choosing me over Cassie. So I told you I wanted a divorce. You really couldn’t believe that. I was tired of feeling like the enemy. I wasn’t happy with you, I hadn’t been in a long time. But I filed, in July I believe, then I met Jeff and we started talking. He was really good to me, and attentive, and you didn’t figure out what was going on until November, after the divorce was final, and you went nuts. You stalked me, and you stalked him, and you followed me, and you went to my house and read my email when I wasn’t home. You monitored my cell calls. You begged me to come back to you, and I wouldn’t. I can’t love two people at the same time. So the game started. You constantly called me and texted me and bombarded me with how much you loved me. You begged to see me all the time, and I’d let you come by, because I couldn’t see him on the weekends. And I always told you it was as friends. We would go out, and talk, and have fun, and at some point you’d start berating me and end up making me cry. You’d yell at me and be a real jerk. Then you’d hug me and kiss me and tell me how wonderful I was. You’d almost force me to have sex, then I’d cry the whole time because it felt almost like rape, like you were taking your anger out on me. And I felt so bad about how much I was hurting you that I’d let it happen. Over and over again. For about 6 months. I think that’s when I became addicted to you. Stockholm Syndrome. When you decided you weren’t going to get me back, that Jeff and I were going to be together, then you met someone else. And you emailed me that you’d found someone that made you forget about me. Something in me panicked. I broke it off with Jeff. You’d become everything I ever wanted you to be, and we belonged together. You’d convinced me. But you were angry and you were done. You started lying to me all the time. You’d tell me you were with Cassie, then I’d see you driving down the street to pick up someone else. You were punishing me some more. Arrogant and a jerk. But you’d come back around just enough to tell me how much you loved me and how you thought we belonged together, you just couldn’t do it right now. You ended up in Ft. Wayne at Casey’s wedding, getting the DUI. You called me from jail. You needed help. I asked you if you wanted me to fly out there. You said you did. I asked you if you thought we had a chance, because I wasn’t going to do that if we didn’t. And you said we did. So, I came out there. We went and got your car, and went to see a lawyer, which I paid for with my credit card. I drove us back. I’d found a bottle of Viagra in your luggage, and asked you about it. I knew you were hiding something when we were at the courthouse that day.

We dated for about three years after that, but I could tell you weren’t really with me. You’d leave my house and go out to bars. One time I saw a picture of women taken at the bowling alley with your phone, and posted to your facebook. You lied about that. Like you did everything else. I wanted to break up with you. But I was having so many problems with Emma, that I wasn’t ready to take that on, too. I did break up with you in October of 2011, but that only lasted a couple of days. I just felt so lost. In December you started drifting further away. I knew you were texting people in the bathroom. I knew when you came over, you looked like you wanted to be somewhere else. I’d confront you with it, and you’d say nothing was wrong, that you didn’t want to have that discussion right now. During the spring outage, you finally admitted you didn’t love me like you needed to. So we broke up. It was very painful. And you still wanted to come over all the time and call and just look at me. We would both cry. On Emma’s prom night, I figured out you were with someone else. I texted you that I knew it and that that must have been what was going on all the time. You made up some lie, of course, but I was right. Then you lost your job. You called me all the time talking about it. You came over and we floated in the pool and had sex on Memorial Day. You told me you’d seen a dark-haired girl a couple of times. No big deal. We’d sit on the porch and talk a lot. You finally told me you’d cheated on me the whole time we’d been dating. That you loved me, but you were angry. That something in you had died and you couldn’t get it back. That’s when you really started lying. We were seeing each other at the time. You swore you didn’t have a girlfriend. Then you friended her on fb. And you had spent the night, and Emma had gotten into your phone and found texts to and from a Melanie. She said they were creepy. So I confronted you with it. You were about to leave for a golf trip. You came over and begged for forgiveness…as usual. Then I saw where you were commenting on her stuff on fb. You were calling me very little, and I could tell you were doing something else. I even sent you pictures of me…at your request. You are demented. When you came back, you’d started working downtown. I figured out this girl worked there too. You were working together. We emailed back and forth at work. And I started asking you about it. Telling you I wasn’t competing with other women for you.

Then you told me that you were letting me go. That you and Melanie had been a lot closer than you’d told me. You were going back and forth between us all summer long. So you went to a concert in Nashville with her that October. Then you went to LA, and were facebooking with her and I saw it. I sent you and im, and you said some horrible things to me. You’d said all along she wasn’t your gf, but there you were. You said she was your gf, and that it was none of my business, and a lot of other mean things. I couldn’t believe you were talking to me that way. So, you came back, and of course started calling me again, emailing at work, the things you would always do. You’d want to come by, and sometimes I’d let you. You got me to agree to go to brunch one Sunday in January, and we had a great day. It was right after Drew got married, and I was just numb from all the things that had happened. We went back to your house and had sex. Then we got in the hot tub, and got into an argument about Jeff, again. You said you were glad we had cleared that up. That you thought we had gotten closer. And you kissed me and left. When I started to bed, I saw an im from you on my phone. I looked at it, and it was Melanie. You were supposed to have a date with her that day. She said to call her, she’d tell me anything I wanted to know. So I did. After I called you and asked you about it. You said she might have thought you two had a date, but you didn’t. she talked for a minute, then said she had to go. I knew you had gone over there. I stayed up all night, and wrote an email to her, telling her everything that had happened. She called me back the next day. We talked for a long time while I sat in my car in the garage. She told me she’d known about me all along. That you had spent many nights there. That when your mother died, she had held you all night. That her son loved you, and her son’s name was Drew. Weird. That you’d told her you loved her and that she was special. I was in shock.

I blocked you from my phone, and didn’t talk to you for six months. You emailed me a few times, and I never answered. I think you called work a couple of times, but I didn’t have anything to say to you. You’d lost your job downtown during this time. And then you started contracting on the ITS project. You messaged me at work. You told me it hadn’t happened like I thought it did. That you’d gotten drunk and made a bad choice, and you knew I hated you, so you left me alone. I didn’t have a whole lot to say to you. Then you showed up at dad’s funeral home thing. Like you owned the place. Almost like you were in my face. Proving that my family still loved you. What a jerk. I was the hostess, so I had to just smile and hug you and act like nothing was wrong. After that, you started pursuing me again, and you told me about Lara. That you’d been seeing a 33 year old bartender. That it was no big deal. Just a good time. That she was a nice girl. I told you I wouldn’t go out with you if you were seeing her. I think you came over a couple of times, and we talked, but you didn’t break up with her until some time in March, I think. Then we started going out a couple of times a week. You went to New Smyrna Beach with me and the kids. I went to the wedding in Georgia with you and Stephen and Amy. You knew I was dating other guys, and it was driving you crazy. And that’s how it’s been until three weeks ago.

I can’t believe I ever fell for this routine once, let alone twice. I don’t know how you can possibly think this isn’t wrong-that playing people and not caring what you do to them isn’t bad. I guess I was always flattered that you kept coming back, even though I knew that you just had one foot in the door. Tim even said when we were married that you either needed to sh**, or get off the pot. With me. You’ve kept me from forming any kind of relationship with anyone all this time. Every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

I’m just floundering now. Trying to build a new life for myself. Trying to figure out how I’m ever going to trust again. How or even if I’ll ever be able to really feel again. And you’re off to Augusta, doing whatever you’re doing there, then coming home on weekends and being with Lara and all of your friends. Like I never even existed. I’m angry because you’re not suffering over this, and that you have caused me so much pain, and couldn’t care less. That is what you are. That’s just what you do. And no one knows but me. You’re probably telling everyone that knows me that I’m crazy. Or that I’ve lost my looks. That I’m looking old. That I’ve changed, and you don’t want me anymore.

I can’t believe I let you borrow money so many times. Like $40,000. And you knew all along that I wouldn’t do that if I thought we weren’t together. And that you let Melanie say all of those awful things on fb while you were on your way to LA. You told her she was doing just fine. And that you’re so arrogant, and think all women want you. And that it looks like you’re happier than me, although I know you can’t possibly be. I’m a real person, with a real heart, and sympathy, and empathy, and the ability to love. And you’re not.

I’m glad I stood up to you in a big way this time. I exposed you for what you are, just by simply telling the truth. You definitely deserved that, and she deserved to know. There’s no telling what’s happened with all of that, but at least she knows you can’t be trusted. She may not admit that to herself yet, but she’ll know. If someone had told me that when we were dating, I’d have dropped you like the piece of crap that you are.

I want nothing to do with you ever again. No calls. No emails. You can’t text me, because you’re blocked. And I probably won’t hear from you. Because you’re afraid I’ll tell Lara. Good. You know now that I’m not your confidante. Or whatever you thought I was. Whatever you were using me for is no more. I wish I could just cut you out of my mind, like you never existed. I know that's not possible, but it will get better in time. Something constantly reminds me of you, and then I feel the pain and anger. It’s not love. I’m not missing you. I’m not wishing you would come back. I’m just going through the natural healing process, and it takes time. I have the ability to be real, and to know truth…you don’t.

You have made a fool of me for the last time. You’ve messed with the wrong person. There is nothing crazy about me…anymore.