Spiritual Awakening

I put the Subject as my title because that is the end in what I received. I still have to wrap my head around it all and I'm getting there, but even one of the greatest gifts I got in the end its still very hard. I just joined but I have been reading this site for months. I started my journey believe it or not by getting a book titled Daughters of Narcissist Mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?. My mother is a narcissist, and I having had and still don't have the best relationship with her started to try to do healing from my childhood and how I was neglected and emotionally abused. It lead me to see the man I was seeing was a narcissist and I had not connected the dots that they were the same. I met my N after a terrible divorce 5 years ago and met him on Match. He was beautiful, I fell in love on our first date, but unlike a lot of stories I hear of love bombing, that was not in my case. It really started out sexual. I was new to the dating scene after being married for 10 years, and that being my second marriage which too was not a good one. So for 15 years I was married and new to it all, this guy was all over me and I went with it because I thought this is the new dating. He would come to my house eat, we would have sex, watch a movie he would fall asleep on top of covers away from me which I found strange. The whole thing was strange, he explained that he worked 12-16 hours a day 7 days a week, which I know he did. He told me that he was not able to give a full time relationship to me because of this reason and told me things would change down the road. He had a lot of things, beautiful home, 9 high end cars, gorgeous guy and to me hard working. So I accepted this arrangement, but he never love bombed me. After six months of this I did start to date other people because I was looking for a relationship and he was never around but once a week or so for me. Every time though I started dating someone else he would call me and text me even though I said I was starting to date someone else. I would not date or be intimate with two people at the same time as that is something I feel very strongly about and he knew that about me. But that did not stop him from always entering into my dating someone else, and I would leave the other person to be with him as he is who I was really in love with. But then after this roller coaster I told him I met someone else and was seeing him for two months, I actually blocked his number and he then showed up at my door. I caved, it was my birthday and he said he wanted to see me, we had sex and right after he stood up and said he met someone else and we could no longer do this. I was horrified, it was my birthday and that was the most hurtful thing to hear. I have no idea to this day why he did that to me, he had a way of hurting me like this. After that it was a few weeks until I heard from him again after he said he met someone else and asked if we could just have a sexual relationship. I said absolutely not, but after a few days I relented because I wanted to see him so badly. And this is how it went for another year.

I at this point was selling my home and coming into some money, I had a lot of things I was selling i.e. furniture, paintings things for the garage and he was right there. My children at this point went to live with their dad and I was downsizing and moving into an apartment. I actually gave him so much from my home I was selling and in exchange he would help me with different things I needed. Not a good exchange. When he was coming to pick up the furniture he said he would have someone help him. He came by himself and said I could him ,he said the guy didn't show up. So I helped this man remove my furniture from my home like a moving man, Pitiful I know. I then moved to an apartment that was actually only 5 minutes from him. He started coming over more, having dinner with me that I would cook of course. He was around me a lot more and I asked him what the change was in him, he said he had motives. In my silly mind I thought he was happy I was alone and he could finally just be with me and since I was closer to him. But then he hit me with a few days later that he was in serious financial trouble and could he borrow 40k from me? He had been taking me around to look at houses with him prior to that and I thought he did feel the same about me and just afraid to tell me to show his feelings. So I lent him the money under the thought that maybe we would be getting married as he said he should marry me. He promised to pay it back quickly and I did do it legally so I was ok with lending to him, and in my mind we were going to have a future together so I might as well help him.

After about six months of doing sort of normal things, going to the movies and him spending time with me, dinners and lunches out, he dropped the bomb on me once again after having sex, that he no longer wanted a commitment. He said he thought that was what he wanted but he just wasn't ready for it. I was again shocked and it was out of the blue. After that he did not give me back what he promised me at tax time and left me in somewhat of a financial lurch. I now had to move from my apartment as I no longer could afford it. He had bought himself in the meantime a Porsche, a motorcycle and all things for himself. I at this point was 3 years into it and never even received one gift from him. Nothing. After that I had to move again to which he did not even help me. I then moved and we still saw each other but only about once a week. I was so in love with him, something spiritutal, something I cant explain, I could explain it to no one. All of my family and friends wanted to spit on this man, who they had never even met. But they did not hear his excuses and sweet talk. I walked away from him so many times and he would continue with me no matter what. I thought he was just a very tired, overworked and selfish person, but I still looked upon him with love.

After moving to another area now 30 minutes away from him, we still saw each other but not the way it was. I was so up and down for now 4 1/2 years, with his little txts, sometimes never showing up to dates we made. Always leaving me in a state of anxiety and upset. He would always talk himself out of everything and I believed him. Then in August of 2014 he started acting weird, weirder than normal. I just felt something strange was going on, but he was always so secretive. I went to his house and saw a picture on his wall that I had never seen before. It was a picture of Brazil, I asked jokingly where did you get that in Brazil? He said yes, I went a few months ago. I couldn't believe it. I was seeing him every week, talked and texted a few times a week. I could not believe he didn't tell me, not to mention I always begged for a vacation with him and he said he never had the time to go away. I was so upset as he still owed me so much money and all the things he was buying and places he was going and being so secretive about it really pissed me off. He told me I had no right because he put it on credit cards and was not cash, he also said he did not answer to anyone on what he does. I was starting to really see him in a bad light and at the same time was reading this book about Narcissistic Mothers, and it all started to come together, I saw some of the behaviors in him as in my mother. I then purchased books and started doing research on line and could not believe what I started reading it was him. I was devastated to see what others had been going through just like me.

After reading all this I started to watch signs within him and now I was believing he had been with many other girls and I was starting to become very upset about it all. Things just started to roller coaster from there, he seemed to start treating me almost cruelly with little things. I went to see a movie at his house and told him I was cold, I asked for a blanket and pillow to lay with and he basically said no. I brought popcorn to watch the movie for the both of us and he said no eating in the movie room, like I had brought a spaghetti dinner or something. No popcorn? He was asking me for more sexual things that I was not too comfortable with, even talking about tying me to a tree. I was getting very strange vibes and having read all I read I started to think he did he was an NPD/Sociopath. My mind started to get crazy and his behavior was stranger, I then started to become physically ill, going to doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was starting to throw intermediately, stomach issues, started losing weight. I then decided one day to go to see my nail guy who had done my nails for years but I had not been to him in while, something just to cheer me up. When I went into see him he asked if I was still seeing that guy, as he knew all about him as I talked about him and he even met him when he dropped me off there one day. I said I was still in contact with him but I was getting very upset at him, he then told me he had a girlfriend and that she was desperately in love with him. He said they had been together for a while and had just got back from a vacation with her. I then almost fell off the chair and passed out as I had just seen him 3 days prior, he was all red and I asked him why he was so red and he said he was working in his back yard. TOTAL LIE. He was on vacation with a girlfriend I never ever new about. I was devastated!! I sat always waiting for him, listening to his lies about how he had no time to give me for a true relationship but did not want to lose me or have me see anyone else.

I confronted him by text and he was so cold saying yes he had met someone else and I was not the one. I called him every name in the book. I actually felt like I died inside. This man who I thought the world of, gave so much to, my thoughts, my body, my money, possessions, gifts I was grieving like someone had just died. I cried and screamed and could barely get out of bed. I did not eat for 4 days, became sicker. I was back and forth to the doctor not knowing what was wrong with me and at the same time dealing with this what I felt was a traumatic event. This is where my spiritual journey began, I looked awful, lost 12 pounds in 2 months and today still trying to eat normally. The doctors after a few months of many tests found nothing wrong. I had been through so much stress in my life, I could not believe that this man actually drove my body into that being physically ill. I did not even know how to function, work, taking care of my son who was living with me again. I almost passed out a work one day due to all of this. But I kept reading, trying to figure this all out in my mind and understand. And after 4 months I finally did. I realized that I was co-dependent and that being raised so dysfunctionally by a narcissistic mother I was repeating this with this man. I gave him everything, and received nothing back. It was what I was raised with. I used to cry to god to get this man out of my head for years, and said to god I don't know why I love him so much. I was in pain over this man for 4 1/2 years and then to be discarded like a piece of trash. I was nothing but loving and good to him, how could he have done this to me. But I see it all now, my friends used to laugh at me when I told them this man was the love of my life, and they were like, a man who never gave you a gift, never did anything for you, took from you, used you for sex? this is the love of your life and I would say yes and I don't know why.. But now I do, spiritually speaking I believe this man was sent to me in my life to show me what was wrong for 47 years with me, I had not loved myself, had no self esteem and let it all happen. I was awoken to myself and now I am not just reading and healing on this but on my own journey of how to beat co-dependency.

I had never had a good relationship in my life even though I had been married twice before, I really never had any man there for me in any way. And this last relationship being the worse. In the human sense I hate what he did to me, how he treated me, but in the spiritual sense, I do love him and he was to date the greatest love in my life because he gave me something that no one ever did. Self awareness and starting to heal myself over something I never knew I had, or why I had been treated to badly in my life. I am a good woman, sweet caring and loving, but I was giving that to everyone else and never to myself. But I am now on the road to that healing and hoping for a brighter better future with all the knowledge I have discovered in what was the best relationship of my life, but the most painful. He has since contacted me and still trying to see me but I have told him no, I did not feel the same anymore and that I had changed. He even told me he was still with her but wanted to see me, He said we just didn't work that way, meaning a relationship, I was good for sex I guess. You see this girl has a lot of money, his meal ticket, he wanted both. But he lost me, he will always lose, because he just cant love anyone. I wished I had been able to make him see that, as I really tried throughout the relationship to make him see what was important, but I see now it will never happen. I actually feel angry at him and sorry for him. I feel everything now, and my heart still hurting over him but Im positive now I am looking at a better future without him in it. He never gave me one tangible gift, but he gave me a gift so huge that he did not even realize. Myself.