The craziness of it all

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#1 Dec 19 - 10PM
movinon2day
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The craziness of it all

Ordered my book " The Path Forward" will here in a few days. I am optimistic. I have been just getting my thoughts out on paper and decided to vent.
After eighteen of marriage to a mean, manipulative man I finally worked up the courage to divorce him. I had dreamed of that moment for most of our marriage. I mean literally dream about it and wake up disappointed it wasn’t real. Always in my dreams there was this relief, a weight lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe. I always thought that the reason I didn’t leave was because I was scared of him and he intimidated me. But after 4 years of single life and being treated for depression 3 of those years I realized it was more complicated than just being scared.
After 6 months of medication and therapy for codependency I was much better. I understood the codependent relationship with my ex. I did anything necessary to avoid confrontation. Lie, steal, hide things etc. It was mostly emotional abuse and only a few times physical but I was scared of only the mental abuse. He put a pistol to my head once and I wasn’t scared at all. Just stared at him but bouncing a check or forgetting to do something he told me to do. Terrified me because the screaming and hours of being put down cut me deep. However, after a few years I understood codependency much more. I realized it went back to my childhood. I was the peace keeper. I had the overwhelming task of making sure nobody was upset. I would lie for my siblings to keep mom from getting upset and to keep them from getting in trouble. I went to great lengths to maintain the peace. I still do it to this day.
After 4 years of being single without any healthy relationships. I have learned how my mental condition is keeping me from healthy relationships. One reason I am drawn to unavailable men, emotionally and literally unavailable. I had many friends with benefits. In the beginning it made me feel wanted, desired and sexy but always left me feeling worthless. I tired of it and was ready for a relationship with a good guy. I met one and we hit it off but within a few weeks I realized he was emotionally unavailable but he was up for the casual sex. At that point, I was getting angry with being treated like that. A few months alone without any guy contacting me, I met a guy at work. Looking at him, I thought not my type but something about him. He invited me to go have a drink and I thought why not. He was so charming. I knew he was after sex and I turned him down. I knew he had a girlfriend and he explained a situation that he was in and was unable to break up with her. Well, he was persistent and came over to hang out one night. I was not going to have sex with him. However, within an hour I was naked in bed with him.
Here I am after a year of a roller coaster ride of emotions with him. After beating my head against the wall trying to understand what happened. I started doing some research. He is a text book narcissist and I am addicted to him. I tried ending it 50 times in a year only to start right back up. It was so unhealthy for me mentally and physically. I knew I needed to get away from him because he was not good for me. He lied and manipulated me to keep me as his side chick while he lived his life with his girlfriend. He even went as far as saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. He just had to get the courage to end it with his girlfriend. When I got tired of waiting I ended it again. He gave me a date that he would end it with her and ask me not to date anyone. As the day approached I seen his actions didn’t match his words. I ended it again but we were still talking. Then within a week, he ended it with her and told me that he had slept with someone and felt terrible. Said he needed to be single and couldn’t be a one woman man. The air was literally knocked out of me. I begged and pleaded to meet him and he flat out refused. I was crushed. Within two weeks, he dating this girl he slept with and two months later. They are in a relationship.
I tried the no contact but unblocked him and waited a week and replied to a message. I said that I heard he was doing great with his new girl. Well, I avoided him at work for a few weeks and then he walked into my office and ask could we not be friends. Looking at him, my heart melted as usual. Then he proceeded to say that he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t being faithful. That actually made me feel better. Then I said, yes I wanted to be friends. I felt good for those two days at work. Then we were talking on the phone and I said lets hang out but you better behave. Bad idea, we had sex. Though we talked about everything again and I told him that what hurt was, he swore he loved me. He wanted to be single but then couldn’t stand to be alone and he chose to spend it with this woman and not me. It made me feel like nothing. He never committed or said “I did love you”. When the day before he said He did love me and still did but couldn’t be faithful. The nice night ended with me feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be considered his girlfriend only his side chick.
Though today I went back to him and said I wanted us to be friends and tried telling him that we will never be happy unless we change. He agreed. I told him that he was a narcissist. That he used and manipulated people to meet his needs. Though he was good person; he recognized that he did that and admitted to me many times. He didn’t like it about himself but he didn’t know of any other way to be happy. He wants to love but doesn’t think he can. He can be with the perfect woman and once he has her hooked he had to find another because he needed more validation. I told him that if we don’t change we won’t ever be happy because we continue to go down the same path with the same result and people always get hurt, including ourselves. He agreed and wanted to know how we can change.
Here I go, trying to fix him. I felt good about it but then I go through so many emotions. I became angry and started plotting ways to get him caught cheating by this new girl. That felt good to think about a little revenge. Then I go back to that feeling of rejection and it hurts my heart. Then I say I have got to go NO CONTACT again. So I blocked his number. I feel relieved at the moment but waiting for the next emotion to roll through. I seriously think I am going to drive myself insane or I’m already there.
Thanks for reading my babbling.

Dec 22 - 3PM
Journey
Journey's picture

No contact is the only to get

Journey on...

Dec 20 - 2PM
rosedewittbukater
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Good for you

Dec 22 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
movinon2day
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Good For you

Dec 20 - 11AM
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

Hi movinon. Welcome to the

Dec 20 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
movinon2day
movinon2day's picture

Very Insightful

Dec 20 - 8AM
BlindNoMore
BlindNoMore's picture

You said yourself that he

Dec 20 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
movinon2day
movinon2day's picture

Nail on the head