Quitness

I woke up this morning and I had an ah ha moment. I felt within myself this unbelievable peace, something I am not sure that I have really truly felt. The feeling that all is well with the world.

It is almost 10 months since my last contact with my XN ( we dated for just over a year). It has been an uphill battle with so much back and forth movement. This was perhaps the most painful experience of my life and absolutely a big wake up call. I posted my story previously but have also been working on FOO issues. Much of my life I believe that I thrived on change and always wanting to experience new things. In addition, I tended to end up in relationships where I was doing most of the nurturing and giving (earning love). There was also a certain amount of drama in these relationships, almost the feeling of being on the edge of my seat- not knowing what was coming next (distraction). It certainly kept me busy and focused outwards. There was not a lot nurturing within my family of origin and at times my sister and I were "abandoned" by our parents. From this I believe that I got the feeling that I was not loveable and needed to earn love. With keeping busy and focusing on others, I never had to face up to my real fear- being truly afraid that I was not loveable. In relationships when I was treated badly, this just confirmed my worst fears- that I was not loveable. I was definitely looking for love in all of the wrong places.

I met my XN about 10 months after my husband and I had separated and he had moved to another province. My ex-husband ( we are now divorced) was very needy and tended to suffer from depression, which required a lot of support and understanding, and a certain amount of drama around his moods. I do not think that he was a narcissist but tended to require a lot of nurturing. After he was gone, there was a "void" in my life. The XN fit the bill - not only was he needy but there was definitely a lot of drama associated with him. He was very emotionally manipulative and well trained in the lingo of psychology and spirituality. I was sooo sucked in. He was not what I would picture as a narcissist and he totally caught me off guard. He was not good looking, actually quite unattractive. He was shy, thoughtful, "kind", self-effacing and a "good listener." He did not brag about himself and seemed genuinely interested. Looking back now after reading this site and doing the work, I now see the red flags. Soul mate, waiting for me all of his life (yuck), wanting to spend so much time with me, no real friends except females, etc.

I did a lot of reading, went for counselling and had support from some excellent friends. In addition, I worked a lot more on my own spiritual development. However, it wasn't until I joined Goldie's group that I really started to work on my issues. I can not emphasize enough how important it is to work with someone who has a tremendous amount of experience in this area. It was through the group that I began to totally open up and be honest with myself. I was forced to look inward and face perhaps my biggest fear. " I am not loveable." What I found was that I am infinitely loveable just for being me and no other reason. I am really beginning to understand this and will not let anyone take this from me again. It makes me sad that I let someone treat me the way they did. However, I forgive myself and have learned from this. Believe me, no man is worth losing your self. It felt like I had sold my soul to the devil but now I have it back!

So, this morning I wake up and know all is well with the world and there is this wonderful quietness, love, and acceptance within. I wish this for each of you here. I am not saying my journey is anywhere near over, but I have not felt this good in a long time and it feels wonderful to be free.