There is pain that HURTS you, then there is pain that CHANGES you...

Holy cow!
I'm not even sure where to start....

Maybe the beginning?
I am a 39 year old mother of 3 kids...
I was in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship in HS, only to go on to marry the guy, have 3 kids, try my hardest not to smother him with his pillow in the night... for 11 long-ass years, then I left him. After that was over and we all picked up the pieces, I met a great guy. I had known him in HS as well, but we weren't in the same crowd. I got to see what a truly happy, healthy relationship was like. He treated me like a queen. Treated my kids great. But he left us to go work overseas. We were together for 7 years, 5 of them we were married. All of those 5 years consisted of him being gone, and only coming home once every 4-6 months for R&R. It took its toll on our marriage and we agreed it just wasn't going to work anymore. We are now just about to sign our divorce papers. I never thought that he and I would end up where we are now, or that I would end up having my life taken over by a narcissist, a man who came into my life at a time when I was the most vulnerable. What had happened is this... when my soon-to-be ex husband and I decided to split up we both agreed in our separation papers that we would start to rebuild our lives apart, that meant dating too, we were both pretty lonely by then and were ready. I started hanging out with an old friend, he was divorced as well. We slept together a few times and I had got pregnant. It was a horribly stressful time. Neither of us thought that keeping the baby was a good idea. My kids would have never forgiven me. They were the main reason why I was so against going through with the pregnancy. He had his reasons of not being around to care for a child and it not being fair to me or him or the unborn baby. So together we decided to have the procedure done where my body would abort the fetus by taking a series of pills. We went through with it, he was there for me the entire time. Afterwards it was just better to cut our losses and not stay in contact. He will occasionally reach out and ask how I'm doing, we'll small talk but that's where it ends. I don't have feelings for the guy so it was pretty easy to let go. I know he genuinely cares about me but that is as far as it goes.
I went through a horrible time after that. I felt a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness among so many other emotions because I had always felt that if I was ever faced with a situation such as that, I'd most likely make the choice to keep the baby, to do the "responsible" thing. But that just wasn't the case. You really don't know what you'll do until it happens. People can sit and say.."well I'd do this" or "I'd do that" and will sit and pass judgement. I lost a close friend because of my decision, but I had a lot of support from my sister and my mother. I never told my kids about it. They just thought I was sick, although they could tell that I was very much depressed and would ask me if I was ok a lot. I felt terrible because I know my sadness effected them, of course. But after a while, a time full of many many prayers and a lot of therapy, I was able to pick myself back up and continue on. It is still something I think about every single day, who wouldn't? But I still know that I made the right decision for myself.

It was a couple months after that experience that I met my Narcissist. We'll call him "J".... after what I had been through, with my marriage falling apart and then my abortion, J came across as someone I could lean on. He was a "love-bombing" sonofabitch!! I just didn't know what that felt like! All I knew was that I had this amazing man who was showing me exactly what I needed to see and hear!! He was super sexy and confident and honestly said all the right things at all the right times, it was like he could see into my soul and read my mind! He had some serious game!!! He came across as a "bad boy" too, something that was super fun to me. I fell pretty hard pretty fast, he claimed he did the same, he claimed we were "soul mates." He claimed we were always supposed to find each other and life together was going to be amazing. I believed him because I had NEVER in my life felt the chemistry I felt when we were together. And the SEX??? OMG!!! He was addicting. He came across as being just as addicted to me as I was to him. We text and talked for hours on the phone 2 weeks prior to actually meeting in person. I felt this bond with him, he would say the same... "I have bonded with you like I have never bonded with anyone" He came across as someone I could trust fully. I made the grave mistake of telling him about my pregnancy ordeal, he would hug me and tell me that he was there for me, but it always seemed like it was just "surface concern" I figured it was because we were talking about me being with another man. Because J was VERY possessive of me. He couldn't stand to think about me with anyone else but him. But he knew I had been of course. Just like I knew he had been as well! He seemed obsessed over it for the first few months we were seeing each other. It would come up a lot. He would absolutely freak out, I would tell him that our pasts shouldn't matter, we were each others future, but he just could not help himself. He would tell me... you are MINE! all of you, every square inch of you is mine. Now that you are with me, you'll be ruined for anyone else, and you'll always come back to me. He would say it, but try to come across as joking. It was so odd, but it felt good in a strange way to be wanted so badly by a person. Because as he was saying these things, he was treating me like a princess, constantly telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was for finding me, but then as time went on, his next breath was that I was a whore, a slut. That the reason why I had to get an abortion was because the guy who got me knocked up didn't want me. I was trash to him and he didn't want me to have his baby. So I had no choice but to get rid of it, and what kind of person did that?? I knew different, I knew what the situation was, but J insisted that his version was the true and REAL story. He raked me over the coals about that time in my life until I almost couldn't take it. He said to me... "I had you up on a pedestal, I held you in such high regard, when you never deserved it, I can't even look at you the same way, you are someone who lives their life in such a way, that they deserve what they get. Karma BITCH.... "
I would be there broken and sobbing and he would then swoop in and tell me how sorry he was for saying all of those horrible things, that he just loves me so much and it hurts him so much that I would do such things that his emotions just get out of hand and that he needs help with keeping them in check, that I made him want to be a better person and he needed me to help him. Then things would be fine for a while
All during this time we were breaking up and getting back together. Constantly. He liked to fight and break up over text. If I tried to call him, he wouldn't answer his phone, he was such a coward. We would only see each other every other week, so that was how his cycles would go. We lived an hour apart, I would come back to my house when I got my kids back from their dad, when they'd leave, instead of being alone, I would go stay at J's house. He would start to be horrible to me when we were apart, withhold saying anything nice to me, he wouldn't tell me he loved me, or that me missed, and if he did, it was only because I would say it first. He established being in constant contact from the very beginning of our relationship, so when he would not text me for an entire day and I would be sad, he'd say... "oh I was busy, ya know, I have to WORK??" I would feel like an ass. He did this with so many things between us, now after educating myself, I know it as "gaslighting" I thought I was going crazy. But other times he would text me all the time. He owns his own business. Another thing, he would NEVER come to my house. I always had to go to his. If he had time at home alone, you'd think he'd make a little effort and come my way, or over the weekend, he might say.. "baby, you always come here, this time I'm coming to you" but if he had a night or 2 home alone, he'd stay home, now that I think about it, he was most likely cheating on me, I'd bet my life on it. I actually caught him talking to this girl who was probably one of his regulars, someone who let him use her when he was running low. I felt so sorry for this girl.
He was pissed at me because I was in the city where he lived, I was dress shopping with my daughter and some friends for an upcoming dance, this night I found out that he had gone over to this poor girls house. He told me he went to sleep with her but that he could "seal the deal" because he could only think about me. So he left her sitting there... He told me to look at it as a blessing, and it be a testament of his love for me because he couldn't go through with it. BITCH PLEASE!!!

He never had any desire to meet my family. In the 10 months that we were together, my sister and her family met him once. My kids were only around him a handful of times, which they didn't seem to mind, they HATED him. My youngest daughter who is 13, she wouldn't even act like he was in the same room if he happened to come up to my house. She said, "Mom, he hasn't done anything to me, but I can feel something when he is around, and its not good. He gives me a bad bad feeling and I will NEVER like him, so don't expect it!" I was broken hearted because I was in love with him. But everyone around me could see what he was doing to me, the anxiety, the crying. I would try to hide it, but they knew. He never met my mom.
Our time spent together was always in HIS element. At his house, around his family, he didn't really have any friends. Those times we were together, even tho I always had this aching guilt in my chest, because I knew my family didn't want me with him, our time together was always good. I look back on it now and realize it was because he was showing me the J I fell in love with, not the real J. It was the Narcissist cycle, horribly bad when we were apart and he'd make nice when it was time for me to make my way back to his house and we would "make-up". He was always suspicious of me. My daughter was a Cheerleader and my son plays HS football. Of course I had to be involved, I went to their games, had to do fundraisers, serve team meals etc. but I always had to hear about it. J would say.. "ohh, you just wanna go get looked at by all the dads and the football players." or "OHH, you are just wanting to live vicariously through you daughter, you have such a boring pathetic life that you have nothing else better to do with your time than to be a lame-ass Cheer Mom."

I couldn't go to him with anything that troubled me. Especially if it was about us. I would be told I was crazy and being drama. When I had never been told that before in my life! I am a very even-tempered person, but he could get me from 0-80 in 2 seconds flat. I wasn't myself and I felt it. I can't tell you how many times I would panic and thing... OMG! I am going nuts! I have GOT to get away!!! If he could feel me start pulling away from him, he would panic and turn on the charm to bring me back in. Sometimes I would just be so tired of the constant knot in my stomach, I felt I needed out. I would try. But I could never get away long enough to get strong emotionally.

I could go on for hours and we were only together for 10 months. He has put me through hell. We have been broken up for about a month now and he still continues to put me through hell. This last time we broke up, I knew it needed to be THEE last time. I had to be done. I had been reading about all of the signs of a narcissist and he checked every box. I felt so free but so sad at the same time. This time I turned him down when he wanted me to come over while my kids were gone. I started not responding to his texts. He got on Facebook, which he regularly blocks me on when he's mad at me, he unblocked me long enough to stalk my page and find new names of males that I had recently became friends with. He felt I owed him an explanation, if I was talking to anyone else, etc. I didn't respond, and I ended up flat out telling him it was none of his damn business what I was doing and with whom I was doing it with!! I had read about the "No Contact" rule and so that is what I started to do. He left me alone for a couple days, thinking that I would end up texting him out of desperation, when I didn't, he FREAKED. I felt the wrath of a narcissist losing control of his main supply. His obsession. He started threatening me that he was going to tell everyone about what a whore he feels I am. Including my soon-to-be ex husband, and also the guy he thought I was starting to see. J felt that I had moved on too fast, when all I was doing was making new healthy friendships, to get me out of the house and to make myself stronger. He threatened me that he was going to post some very explicit pictures of me on a porn site and let a few people know about it. He then started calling me and texting me constantly telling me that he was having a crisis and was not in a good way and if I ever had any feelings for him that I would either text him back or answer his calls, I continued to not reply, of course it was all a lie. He told me that I was a c*nt and that he was through with me and said that I was going to get what was coming to me. He proceeded to hack my Snapchat account and send horrible messages to my son about me. He sent sick and disgusting messages to the guy who he thought I was starting to see. The next morning I find out that he had indeed made a degrading disgusting post about me on a porn site along with our private pictures. He has humiliated me and tried to ruin my life. I told him to not contact me or my children again. He left me alone for about a week. When all of a sudden, on a Saturday, a day he knew I didn't have my kids, he reached out to me. And was trying to pull off his sweet sweet self. I was utterly flabbergasted. He completely ignored what he had done to me and my kids. He would take no responsibility for his actions. He would only say... "I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you, I have made so many mistakes with you and I know I can't take them back, but I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you'd just let me.." He honestly thought that what he did to me could be apologized away with a few texts. I continued to not respond, and if I did, I would only tell him to leave me alone. I got a lawyer, I have a stalking injunction being served on him any day now, and I am pressing criminal charges against him. So far he has 13 3rd degree felonies pending against him. Luckily I am in a state that distributing "revenge porn" is illegal. I am pressing charges to the full extent of the law. I have luckily saved every single threat and abusive text and email he has sent to me, along with the super creepy ones saying how he wants to come and take me away and start over, all the screen shots of the website he posted on etc.

He will not listen to me and he doesn't respect my boundaries, all I have is my pending lawsuit and keeping up with the No Contact rule. I keep getting emails from him, the last one was him telling me that he was going to quit trying to make things right with me out of respect to this most "amazing" girl he has found, and how blessed he feels to have found her. That's if she even exists. He just sent me another email late last night with 2 Youtube video's with songs that he feels represents us and how he feels. He is absolutely delusional and its not getting any better. I am scared to death he will never leave me alone. I feel suffocated.

I hope he burns in hell.