Viola's story

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#1 Sep 17 - 9AM
Viola22
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Viola's story

Hello everyone, my name is Viola and I’m a Narcoholic. Currently 12 days no contact.

Here is my story.

I met N- a little over a year ago at a work event in the small city of H-, not too far from Z- where I live. I had heard of N- as someone with an interesting personal background close to my own, so I decided I would approach him in friendship. He had given a very impressive talk the day before and I had briefly congratulated him on it, but he had barely acknowledged me. That day, at the coffee break, I spoke to him again and mentioned the fact that I knew his personal background; he suddenly shifted his gaze toward me, looking me straight in the eye. ‘Really?’, he paused, looking at me intently. ‘What’s your name? What do you do? Where do you work?’. On came the questions and the conversation became lively. The coffee break was soon over and although he had been sitting across the room, he came to sit right next to me, making me feel uncomfortable but flattered. We sat through the next session together, occasionally whispering remarks about what was being said. Afterwards, as we were standing around in the middle of a group of people, N- whispered to me “Would you like to go out to lunch somewhere?”. I nodded enthusiastically.

I will skim over some of the details. Let us just say that lunch was an intimate affair which lasted over two hours. That he paid for everything. That he was the perfect gentleman throughout. That he looked genuinely disappointed when he heard I had a partner and a child. “I guess this was not meant to be”, I said. That he hinted we might meet one day in the overseas city of M- where he lives.

After he chased me some more at the event and we travelled back to Z- together, I was left reeling. At first, I hadn’t felt anything for the man apart from curiosity, amusement and even mild annoyance. After so many hours in his company, my head was so spinning I could barely stand. I spent the weekend gazing at the card he had left me, staring at my phone, day-dreaming, agonizing about whether to call him or not. In the end, I waited a couple of days and wrote a short email. The response came within minutes. We arranged to see each other but he was unsure of the day. He asked me for my phone number and I gave it.

A few days later, he was still supposed to be away. On my way to work I got a call from a strange number at 9 am. It was him. He had travelled all night and was raring to meet. It made me frantic. I rushed from work to a doctor’s appointment to our newly agreed meeting point, buying myself a new dress in the process. We had our second ‘date’. Once again, he was the perfect gentleman, paying for everything, being a great listener, giving me full attention. By then I was completely smitten and it was obvious that we were at least platonic lovers. He walked me (followed me?) practically all the way home and wrote me four emails on the next day. We agreed to meet again a few days later.

We then spent an entire day together (“I am completely available”, he said). He paid for lunch and drinks, we went for some romantic walks. I said I didn’t know how to handle this. I wanted to stay faithful to my partner but at the same time I was pining for him. But he was going back to M- anyway and I suspected he had a girlfriend of some sort. He assured me he had nobody, was not interested in anyone at the moment, least of all the pretty, young things he works with. As we parted, he grabbed my hand and gazed at me meaningfully: “We will miss each other, but it is nice to miss…we will write to each other.” Within minutes of me walking on, my phone rang : “I miss you already…I almost ran after you…”. That evening, he sent me so many texts I worried I might get caught.

In the next few days, I waited for some kind of call or text or email to say he had got home safely and was missing me. None came. I waited a couple of days then texted him. He texted back saying he had lost my number. He was silent for a few days, maybe a week or so. I was aghast. What was going on? A week before, I had been the centre of this man’s world and now I was nothing? I texted him something like “Do you want me out of your life? If so, that’s ok.” I hinted he might be a womanizer. He texted back saying “I'm not. It’s very difficult for me to court someone for whom I have no feelings”. With that, he sent me reeling again. I called him overseas. We talked and talked. I confronted him with his baffling behaviour. He tried to justify himself. I said let’s try and talk at least once a week and he half-heartedly agreed to a weekly slot. But when I tried calling he was unavailable and later told me he was vacationing in Y-. More silent treatment. I kept pouring out my heart in writing but his emails grew shorter and shorter, less and less empathetic. A friend of mine suddenly dropped dead and he had no words of consolation. I turned to electronic stalking. One day, a photograph of him and a good-looking, middle-aged woman appeared on Facebook. There they were, close together, basking in the sun. I scoured the Internet. Found out the woman had a place in Y- and understood that he was probably staying with her. Was sick to my stomach.

“How could you?” I asked him in disbelief. “How could you do this to me?”. “Hey, do you think I’m a monk? I do not lead a ascetic life!”, he responded. “But you lied…”, I think I said tearfully. At that point, I feel stupid, used, devalued, discarded.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. A close friend of mine gets dumped by a Narcissist. Sends all her friends information on NPD. I read it with gaping eyes and cannot believe what I’m seeing. This. is. it. This is N-. This. is. what he does. This. is. how. I. feel. My friend is almost suicidal. “Watch out!”, she says, “Protect yourself!”. I decide to go No Contact. Not so hard as he is giving me the Silent Treatment anyway. I cry my eyes out. Write some pretty good stuff. Get published. Gradually, I stop looking at his Facebook profile 5 times a day. I try to mend my relationship with my partner. Try to rebuild myself. Try to feel grateful for what I have.

Fast forward 9 months no contact. I have a new life, a new promotion. I am at the top of my game except my personal life is dull, my family dysfunctional, my husband anxious, angry about his life and withdrawing affection. Enter the Hoover. It takes me literally 2 hours to reply to N’s email, which he writes in a cool, relaxed tone of voice, as if nothing had happened. We talk on the phone. He alludes to his past behaviour half-jokingly, half-apologetically. I laugh. “You really are something, N-!”, I say. We meet again. Same courting behaviour from him. I act colder and more detached than before as I know what he is. But he turns on the charm, the humour. He wants to meet me again the next day. My partner is away and I have no-one to rely on for support. I start misremembering what happened in the previous year. All my fantasies start flooding back - if they ever went away in the first place. I still want to know what it would be like to be with him. Like a typical addict, I start thinking I can control this. I can have just one cigarette and not resume smoking. I can have just one kiss, one embrace and get back to my life. I let it happen. I kiss him. He kisses me back. It’s so intense I can barely describe it.

He flies back to M-. We text and speak a few times. I’m still initiating all communication but convince myself it’s okay since that way I’m in control of what’s on my phone or email. The weeks pass. I ask him if we can talk one night and he says maybe. He calls but I’m busy with my kid and cannot pick up. He doesn’t leave a message. Later on, I text “Are you available?”, he texts back “I’mAfraidNot”- an hour later. The timing and the typos speak for themselves. On the next day, I tell him that I understand he is polyamorous but please can he not shove it in my face, it turns me off. He tells me not to worry, that his life is boring and he has no gorgeous creature in his bed at night…I say “Well I do hope she is gorgeous if I’m being shunned in favour of her!”. But it’s no use trying to keep a brave face: I’ve been D&D’d and am in pain. I text him the next day but it hurts to act like everything is fine. My life feels in tatters. The silent treatment has started again, in fact it’s probably been there all along. I decide to go No Contact and seek professional help.

Sep 17 - 8PM
trouble
trouble's picture

I can relate

Sep 18 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
Viola22
Viola22's picture

Thank you Trouble

Sep 17 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville Hunter

Sep 17 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, Viola and welcome

spinning

Sep 17 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Viola22
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Thanks!